[Tinder] MilfHunter (NSFW)

31st May 2016

Milf: its my first time in three years, you should consider yourself lucky!

I nod approvingly, there’s no better moodkiller to sex than bringing up your ex, the fact that it was 3 years the last time you had it, or the fact that you have a son. But i’m still thrusting and pumping like a rabbit in march.

Let’s bring this back a bit:

I sit down, Bill’s cafe in London Bridge. Really nice chilled out spot but its a stray from what i usually go for. Its the post-Southbank walk that slays the entire date so i guess i have to figure out a nice coffee/restaurant spot there at some point.

She appears, standing at a petite 5’3, wearing an orange top with a water stain smack in the middle of her boobs, she’s cute but a lot different from her photos (not really in a bad way) She also has an overbite, i begin to wonder if she’ll be terrible at blowjobs or really good. Usually one or the other.

We sit, chat about things. She has this annoying habit of bringing up her ex- something i’m really not fond of. She brings up her son too, which was shocking in a way, she mentioned it a day before but i’m still a bit dazed that i’m on a date with an actual mother. She then recovers this by telling me her dramatised life story about how she’s a rebel. She had split parents (Who doesn’t nowadys..?) and spent two years trying to find her real dad… (Then she found him, so i said ‘now what’..?)

and finally, an encore — more about her ex, great.

I actually contemplated on ending the date there. She’s nice but we’re not on the same level. I want to travel and progress my career. She only speaks about these things, with no action in sight.

I was tired of meeting ‘broken’ women and was hoping for someone that has their shit together, sadly she wasn’t one of them, but going home now doesn’t make it a fun story right?!

We walk, casually brush my hand against hers and she doesn’t move away. I put her arm in mine and we continue walking and talking. 10 minutes later i ask her to close her eyes.

Milf: why?
Me: just do it, it’ll be cute
Milf: are you gonna throw me in the Thames?

I forgot i was on a tinder date and essentially i’m a stranger. At least she knew the thames was a river.

Eventually she closed her eyes and i gave her a kiss on the cheek. Her face turned red.

We got to the bar/pool place i usually go to and start playing. Unlike the last date i brought here (Goddamn Zoogirl), she can actually play, though not too well at least she’s trying.

More kisses on the cheek and a JD coke later, i get a peck on the lips.

This is going faster than i thought. She said she’s a lightweight and a tiny amount of alcohol gets her drunk, she starts ordering doubles.

We finish the game and sit down on the couch. We can either end here or continue. We decide to come back to my house, i stopped at burger king along the way. (Same BK as the one in ‘bloodbrothers’)

We get home, Netflix on and clothes start flying off. The cheeky shit was wearing a padded bra- her boobs are much smaller than what was initially advertised.

She climbs on top- and im like ‘dafuq’. What is it with girls not using condoms? I tell her to get off me (lovingly) while i run upstairs and get a condom.

I get it, put it on and do the deed. Not too bad. She was on top for a bit but got tired as she hasnt done this in a while, that’s fine.

An hour or so later she gets a taxi home and i have another tinder story to tell. Not bad for a sunday!