[Tinder] Romania: Return of the king
August 26th
Im superbly jetlagged. I’ve just landed back in London less than 8 hours ago and i’m on a Tinder date already.
Ive had a lot of wine and im well on my way to ‘drunk ass’ed hobo’ town. Im staggering down the escalator. My tolerance for wine has lowered as i age, and the jetlag doesnt help. Nature dictates i should be deep into a rem sleep right now but im knee deep into more wine.
I look down and its a cute asian brunette talking on her phone. My hands were unknowingly magnetized and attached to her ass. People were staring. I mean i dont blame them, im drunk and im just groping this girl down the escalator. She looks back and gives me a kiss.
I cant even remember her name.
As usual our story begins before i had some alcohol in me and on a fast track to ‘im going home in an ambulance’ mode. I had an early dinner with a friend in Shoryu- a nice ramen place based in Covent Garden. After that we roamed two bars and got a drink in each. I am tipsy. I establish that i am now a lightweight.
I wandered over to London bridge to meet Romania- our Tinder date for the evening. My phone rings. Its her.
Her: is that you?
Me: yeah im just outside the station.
Her: that’s you with the backpack right?
Me: … Yeah.
This fuckin backpack has served me well but is also destroying my swag. I can sense her giggle at the mention of it, i dont let it faze me. We start walking, she’s a nice petite girl wearing a lacy top and tight jeans. Super cute. She asks me how old i am. I say 25. Mistake.
Her: what? I thought you were 27? Your profile said 27.
I stumbled. I changed my age to 27 to appeal to a more mature demographic, i didnt realise id get called out on it. I made up some shit which she didnt buy. She kept badgering me about it, and frankly it was amateur hour. I totally forgot. She made sure to call me out on this throughout the date.
The evening dawns and we get a few drinks. There’s a busker in front of us providing a super nice ambience. We spoke and flirted. Even the guy next to me laughed at my jokes. I was on fire.
Her: dont you have to go?
MILF was meant to come over for bootycall. But since she’s playing games i just decided to cancel on her. My night was free and im having fun.
Me: no, my friend cancelled so im actually free now.
Her: well im not- you said you had plans so i made plans too.
Me: just re-schedule, say you have diarrhoea.
Her: cant cancel on my friends!
It was 8:40. She has to go at 9. We walk past tate modern and she wants to venture in. ‘I know the place well’ she says.
Drags me in, security guard looking at us like we’re terrorists.
Her: i know this exhibit pretty well.
Me: really? Looks like you just want to drag me in dark places.
Her: how bout i not drag you in there? (Points at a very dark corner.)
Dragging my arm she powers through and pulls me towards her, facing me, her back against the wall.
She pulls me for a kiss. 9/10. She knew her shit.
This happens a few more times and i begin to feel dazed. The mix of adrenaline, dopamine, jet lag and alcohol is getting to my head. She mentions there’s beanbags in the next room. Woooh i get to sit down!
We sat down. Immediately she puts her legs across mine, arms around my neck and leans in- beckoning me for a kiss. She really knew her shit. She starts kissing my neck, slowly towards my ear and back into my neck. She stops- realises there’s still people around us.
She’s definitely a wild one. Jackpot.
We exit the gallery, she really needed to go apparently, but amidst the walk to the station she wanted to sit down, the irony since she’s been rushing me for a while now, saying ‘im so late’ at 2 minute intervals.
She tells me im the first guy she’s seen in three months. (Which is apparently a long time.) she asks me how many girls ive slept with. I was dumb and told her ‘double digits’.
Double fucking digits? I guess i tried to prove how attractive and how sexually active i am but ‘double digits’ ? Seriously? If i can slap myself i would. What a fucking dumbass.
We sit down at the bench, her legs across mine. I said i wanted to demonstrate (Kiss her seductively)- i mentioned its unfair she teased me on the beanbags and i didnt get a chance to return the favour. I want this girl to know who she’s messing with.
I start by pulling close to her lips but not actually kissing her. Kissed her neck slowly.. And up to her ear. She starts laughing. She says i dont need to demonstrate, ‘double digits’. You really are a fucking idiot sometimes.
She notices my raging hard on.
Her: ooh, what’s this? She playfully taps my crotch.
Me: you cant do that!
Her: yes i can! (Taps it again)
Me: what if i touched your boobs?
Her: go on, i dont really care.
She says as she grabs my hands towards her chest. Any other time i would’ve been game but for some reason i feel like im playing into her game- something i’m very cautious. The moment you’re not in control is the moment you lose. So i didn’t let it phase me and just ignored it.
We started power walking to the train station. She apologised for dragging me across london. Throughout this part which is quite uneventful she did three things in a cycle:
1.) complain about her being late
2.) kept complaining about my ‘fake age’ (amateur hour)
3.) apologising for dragging me across london.
We didnt actually talk about anything else in this last part and this continued on until i was on the escalators in the train station.
Her: Thanks for today and sorry i have to leave. I had a great time. Text me when you get home.
I wish i can say this is the end of the date, but unfortunately and staying true to reality i texted her asking if she wanted to come round later. Im super jet lagged and wide awake anyway, i could do with some company. She declined and we left it at that.
We’re talking now and we’re set to do something next week. Interesting first date.
