Listen Closely: “Work From Home” by Fifth Harmony

My introduction to pop group Fifth Harmony was at the most recent Wrestlemania where they interrupted my mediocre wrestling experience with surprisingly good, but extremely formulaic, singing.

I severely underestimated who they were when Fifth Harmony was introduced. They have some staying power, the song “Work From Home” has been on the Billboard charts all summer long.

The song has been everywhere, but I hadn’t really taken a chance to listen to it. When I finally did listen to it, I was horrified.

Work From Home” isn’t what it seems. It’s a song discounting the importance of social contracts, climate change, and assorted other issues.

Listen closely.

I ain’t worried ‘bout nothin’

Global warming is bringing like unavoidable repercussions within 100 years. The world’s only superpower has a decent chance of electing a human rutabaga. The stock exchange is as high as it is in part due to the subprime home and auto loans that brought the recession in 2008. Some group called Isis (pronounced “Iz Iz”) does stuff that is pretty messed up. Your optimism is astounding and appreciated.

I ain’t wearin’ na nada

Look, I know climate change is still a few decades away from changing human civilization in real visible ways, but you should still be worried about it….you should also wear clothes.

HEY! Global warming doesn’t mean endless summers either! Winter seasons will become more violent and clothes will be even more necessary.

I’m sittin’ pretty, impatient, but I know you gotta

Put in them hours, I’mma make it hotter

I am getting impatient with your blatant disregard for our only planet! Why would you want to make shit hotter?!

I’m sending pic after picture, I’mma get you fired

“Hello, FBI? A group of five women called ‘Fifth Harmony’ are overloading the servers of all the major cell phone carriers by sending picture after picture..and server power usage is one of the leading causes of pollution. They’re also trying to get me fired.”

“Hello?”

“….”

*Sighs heavily.*

Yeaaahhhhhhhh, they’re pretty hot.”

I know you’re always on the night shift

But I can’t stand these nights alone

And I don’t need no explanation

’Cause baby, you’re the boss at home

I feel like you do need an explanation. Many Americans don’t believe humans have caused climate change. The evidence is overwhelming.

You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work

But you gotta put in work, work, work, work, work, work, work

You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work

Let my body do the work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work

It is reasonable to say that the idea of work is part of the reason mother Gaia is in such dire straits. Modern civilization is predicated on the concept of bigger and faster. Our machines can get us to work faster, but we destroyed land to clear way for them and burn incredible amounts of fuel to move them. Anything to make ourselves richer, right? Glad you’re contributing to the dialogue, Fifth Harmony!!!

We can work from home, oh, oh, oh oh

We can work from home, oh, oh, oh oh

Brilliant! Great suggestions. Reduce our carbon footprints by eliminating the need to drive to work! Oh oh oh oh, that’s a good idea indeed.

Let’s put it into motion

Sure! Let’s make signs. Protest the refinery. And build some windmills!

I’mma give you a promotion

Haha! Well, I do powerful appreciate your respect for my delegating skills, but this whole thing was sort of my idea. It’s not really your place to be offering promotions, but thanks anyway! Haha!

I’ll make it feel like a vacay

Okay, the promotion thing was somewhat innocuous, I can live with that, but you can’t just say you’re going on vacation when we’re getting our projects off the ground! Time is of the essence, and…

Turn the bed into an ocean

THIS IS PLAIN CRAZY! Coastal flooding could turn the bedrooms of nearly 40% of Americans underwater! Turning beds into oceans is the LAST thing we need. It would be the last thing many of us would ever do! You’re erratic and irresponsible. I believe my faith in you was unfounded.

We don’t need nobody, I just need your body

And now you’re exploiting me! You’re exploiting all of us!

Nothin’ but sheets in between us, ain’t no getting off early

…….wait a minute, are you trying to have sex with me?

I am so sorry! I got off on one of my rants way too early. There were clearly lots of jumping off points in that first verse, and I am passionate about climate change….

I also think I understand why so many women aren’t interested in getting with me. I go WAY too far with things, lost in my stream of consciousness, not really interested in hearing what anyone else says. That’s a major turn off. Oh, shit, there I go again. Haha. Wow. I am so bad at this.

Thanks for holding up that mirror. I am paying attention. And yeah, I’ll grab your number.

Girl, go to work for me

Can you make it clap, no hands for me?

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!

Take it to the ground, pick it up for me

Look back at it all over me

Put in work like my timesheet

You are quite aggressive with your micromanaging!!!

She ride it like a ‘63

I’mma buy her no Celine

I can switch gears again! Let’s again talk about how cars are ruining the environment. Especially older American made cars like the 1963 Chevy Impala! No regard for the skies. And don’t get me started on beauty products. What a horrible way to make money! Enforce insecurities that don’t need to exist and profit off of them. This smacks of immoral behavior!

Let her ride in a foreign with me

What kind of car are you going to do this in, dude?! Cars. They’re all awful, like you. Leave these ladies alone! I thought they were going to help change the world!

Oh, she the bae, I’m her boo

And she down to break the rules

Like the rules of being cloaky about their collective shit? Yeah. Definitely. First, I think they want to be an activist. Then they want to get with me. Now they wants to get with you. There are some unwritten rules RE: social decorum are being sullied left and right.

Ride or die, she gon’ go

I’m won’t judge, she finesse

Whatever.

I pipe up, she take that

The Dakota Access Pipeline will end up being a terrible blight and monument to our destruction, but whatever.

Putting overtime on your body

This sounds unpleasant. But so is existence. Enjoy your death trap, everyone.