Pilot Episode: Guy’s Global Grub

“Hey, everybody! I’m Guy Fieri and we’re jetting out. That’s right baby, we are taking a trip to find the greatest and most off the hook restaurants in the world. This is Guy’s Global Grub!”

(“Guy’s Global Grub” theme song starts to play. It’s a tune composed by both Sammy Haggar and Kirk Hammett called “Grab Your Flavor Passport”)

“We will be trekking up to Sweden to meet a chef who specializes in using jolts of electricity to make perfect meatballs.”

(Guy takes a bite of a meteorite-sized meatball, spotted with several small circles of black char.)

“That’s Carmen Electra-fying, bro! We’re also making pit-stops to the land down under, Gold Coast, Australia, where two retired divers are taking fresh caught seafood from great depths to great heights!

(Guy makes a slurping sound that will not be described for the benefit of readers with weak constitutions)

“Mother of Pearl, that’s a great scampi, but, our first stop is to the remote island of Tulagi, a British Colony with just over 1,000 people on it for some of the most unique barbecue on the planet. Welcome to, “Papua Que Guinea!”

(Background music changes into a Sammy Hagar/Dick Dale/Alice Cooper collaboration entitled “Sunburnt Stomach.”)

(A shot of CHEF ALBERT DAHMER cooking in the kitchen. The Chef, having the appearance of Droopy Dog meets goth Abe Vigoda, places a plate on the sill of the pick-up window)

“Sir Loin Tips”

“Chef Albert Dahmer has been cooking up his own exotic takes on traditional American Bar-B-Que since 1998.”

DINER AT RESTAURANT: “The food is so fresh.”


“After venturing to an island in the middle of Oceania, Chef Dahmer learned how to cultivate the land and bring the flavors of his Waco, Texas upbringing to a whole different flavorsphere!”

ANOTHER PATRON: “I hadn’t had American inspired food until I found ‘Papau Que Guinea,’and now I’m here every night! It is getting harder to find friends to go here, though…”

(Guy and Chef Dahmer are standing next to each other in a kitchen which is noticeably disheveled and has random spots of blood on the interior walls. The song ‘Cabo Wabo Man’ by a generic ska band starts playing in the background.)

“So, how did you find this island that has just over 1,000 people on it?”

“It is a little less than 1,000 now.”

“Oh, right! It’s winter in the Southern Hemisphere. It isn’t tourist season!”

That is not why.

“I’ve been hearing lots of people tell me to try the ‘Roasted Finger Potatoes.’ That’s not exactly traditional barbecue food, right?”

“I assure you, there is nothing traditional about it.”

“Do you put a rub on it or something?”

“Yes, I also marinate them. The process makes the uh, potato meat, very tender and the porous nature allows the marinate to soak all the way through.”

“This is wild, man. Hey, what kind of potatoes are those? Are they coral based potatoes?”

“In a sense.”

“It almost looks like you’re removing bones from them.”

“…..In a sense.”

“So, how long do you fry these puppies up?”

“It depends on the quality.”

“Right, the old saying, “No two coral potatoes are alike.”


(A song called ‘My Heart Is a Prism of Partially Hydrogenated Corn Oil” by Scott Stapp begins to play in the background. Guy is talking to more customers at the restaurant, however each shot change shows less and people.)

“How are the potatoes?”

PERSON IN RESTAURANT: “They are delicious. They have this taste that is so unique.”

(Sensing the opportunity for a pun evoking roaster finger potatoes, Guy pounces)

“Would you say that you, ‘Can’t put your finger on it?’”

(Person in restaurant makes a horrified noise and then there is a sound of gagging/vomiting. “Crisco? More Like Bliss-Co” by Smash Mouth begins to play)

Person In Restaurant: Oh, God…….

(‘CHEEEEEZZZ WHIZZZZZ’ by Poison is the next tune playing)

“Next dish…..The ‘Sir Loin,’ easily one of your most popular dishes. Care to explain how this is made.”

“In which countries does this show air?”

“The United States of America and several less-important ones.”

“I do not want to make this dish for the cameras. It’s a restaurant secret.”

(The sound of vinyl scratching, and the guitar riffs of C.C. Deville fortunately stop. Guy’s expression completely changes from ‘bleached happy cherub’ to this.)

“Cut the cameras, everyone…. Listen, jerk, I’m Guy Fieri. I am the King. I am the King Maker. From the hours of 11pm to 5 am, I am in 100% of all households that have drugs and their televisions on. If my face is framed and hung on the walls of any given restaurant, the property value skyrockets. I can make you. I can break you. Show me how you make The ‘Sir Loin’….Turn the cameras and music back on, everyone!”

(Guy flips a switch in his head, and he is back to the person we all know and love.)

“So Chef, let’s make the ‘Sir Loin!’ I am stoked to see it.”

(Chef Dahmer now has even less expression on his face)

“Okay. The first thing to do when making the ‘Sir Loin’ is to grab one of the flanks marinating in the walk-in refrigerator. Would you care to assist me with this?”

“As Mayor of Flavortown, sometimes my responsibilities take me into fridges. I see no problem with this.”


(Guy, perhaps unaware, perhaps resigned to his fate, walks towards the fridge. Chef closes the door behind him, twists a dial, and a red glow seeps through the cracks of the walk-in door. The ballad “Last Walk Through The Buffet” by Meat Loaf starts playing from behind the closed door. The camera pans to the face of the Chef mouthing the word “Donkemole” and fades to black.)

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