Checking For You
I have been looking for a place to write about my feelings, thoughts and inspirations. For a minute, the notepad on my phone worked. Like I said, for a minute.
Why do I feel the need to suddenly take the bull by the horn and write this? I have been having the most emotional and intense 2017. Responsibilities, work, friends, family, lover and at some point by brain was literally on fire and I started to fight the things that held me together. Love, spontaneous decisions, music, random laughs, food, vodka (I promise I’m not an alcoholic), literature and the list now that I think about it is endless…
I felt like I was alone, the sad reality is that we truly are alone in the world… We are the only ones that truly know how we feel when we sit up in our bed late at night wondering what life is really about. Still, we are never truly alone save we choose to be. Quite the oxymoron but give me a moment to explain.
The first time I had surgery in my life, I remember waking up after to seeing my sister and mum smiling at me, I basically asked for my earring for the top of my earlobe which I pierced a few months ago (silly me, right?). Next time I woke up, I wanted to move to a private ward and I could hear before I drifted back to sleep my family trying to sort the financials. I woke up and realized I was still there and spoke about it, this time it was sorted but they said I had to wait till morning but my aunt was having none of it. She carried me herself to my new room (quite risky, but I really just wanted a private ward).
Fast forward to the middle of the night and my elder sister who was staying with me was sleeping beside me and rubbing my back because somehow it helped with the pain. The point I’m trying to make here is that my family was there, I am never truly alone. Friends? I had a couple who came to visit and kept on calling, others didn’t care enough. This helped with the reality that not everyone holds you in the same position as you do them.
I have grown from the girl on the hospital bed, who made the life changing decision to leave the family business and start her own thing House Of ZETA (which has been constantly evolving), to my current job and struggling to find who I truly am with all the things happening around me by other people validating my efforts.
The truth that I am becoming comfortable with is that I am checking on me, constantly. I am on the journey to find myself again and truly be happy and at peace with me and the world around me. I am beginning to accept things beyond my control. I am going with the flow and most of all I am making sure that I never forget what keeps my blood pumping in the morning.