Who I Would Actually Want To Talk To Me When I’m Wearing Headphones

Don’t fuck with a queen in headphones.

Recently an article was shat out from the crusty bowels of the Internet on a site for PUA’s, aka pick-up artists, aka “fragile men who think women are not sentient humans with agency, but prizes to be won as a reward for certain behavior.” You know, because relationships are a game and if you collect enough compliments and say them in the right order a woman’s legs will fall open and she will owe you her time and body. Achievement unlocked. This particular article gave advice on how to approach a woman wearing headphones, because when a woman does something that says “I want to be left alone” don’t pay any attention. It’s just a challenge to overcome, like when she crosses the street to avoid you, or baits you with flirty banter such as “I do not want to have sex with you.” (Read: this PUA shit is rapey as fuck and don’t ever be fooled otherwise.)

As someone who wears headphones everyday— sometimes without even listening to anything — for the exact purpose of sending the message “DO NOT ENGAGE” to the outside world, I have had a long hard think about who I actually would welcome approaching me when I’m wearing headphones. Here is the specific, comprehensive list. Any variation at all is unwelcome. Okcoolthanksbyyye.

1. Simone Biles flying at me

2. Billy on the Street

3. Dana Scully and/or Gillian Anderson

4. Hillary Clinton

5. Drake

6. Olaf from Frozen

7. My mom, but only if it’s an emergency

8. All four Obamas plus the dogs, because they want me to be in their family Christmas photo

Don’t make me choose.

9. Jordan Catalano or Brian Krakow, but not both

10. Malala Yousafzai

11. Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon, but only if they are together and in character from Thelma & Louise

12. North West, so I can rescue her

13. Lily Tomlin

14. The German Shepherd from this video

15. Colin Hanks, but only if we are also at Costco and he is handing out free samples of Bagel Bites

16. Sigourney Weaver

17. Serena Williams, but only if she snapchats the encounter

Let’s go on a quest.

18. Falkor the luck dragon from The NeverEnding Story

19. Maya Angelou

20. Allison Janney

21. Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep, but only if they are together and in character from Death Becomes Her

22. Carrie Fisher and her dog Gary

23. Arya Stark and/or Maisie Williams

24. JK Rowling

25. Idris Elba

26. Ursula the Sea Witch

27. The entire USA Women’s Olympics Basketball Team

My special agent.

28. Agent Dale Cooper

29. Justin Trudeau

30. Sinbad (the comedian, not the legend. Although I would argue the comedian IS a damn legend, am I riiight?)

31. The Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus

32. Rupert Giles and/or Anthony Head

33. Liza Minelli, so we can go for tea

34. Jon Boyega and Oscar Isaac, but only if they are together and in character from The Force Awakens and also holding hands because they are in love

35. The Ghost of Gene Wilder

36. The Ghost of Gene Kelly

37. The Ghost of Jean Stapleton

38. The Tenth Doctor

39. Shonda Rhimes, but only if she lets me spend an hour telling her how much I love her/lets me cry on her for an hour, whichever happens first

40. Everyone else leave me the hell alone, I’m listening to a podcast that is far more interesting than you’ll ever be

Several total bosses have written their own alternative guides on how to talk to women wearing headphones. Here is my fave.