Day 12: Mental Health Week — Speaking Freely

As I said yesterday, my posts this week will be short. It’s finals week. No explanation needed.

However, I still want to continue my daily creation project and I very much want to contribute to the conversation going on this week about Mental Health Week. I’m just going to speak briefly about a thought that occurred to me today as I was speaking with a friend.

First of all, I live with depression. It’s hard, and it’s not something I wanted to admit to myself (or even others) until a few years ago. I was afraid I was broken; I thought that I was just too sensitive; I blamed myself for not being able to handle the weight of life. My whole life, I’d been told that these thoughts were right, by family members who were supposed to comfort and protect me. Instead, they encouraged my self-blame and further intensified by depression symptoms. However, after time and a lot of incredible open conversations with friends, I’ve been able to come to terms and accept what I live with. I’ve begun seeking help from professionals, and I’m not sorry for who I am and the battles I fight.

But that doesn’t mean that the shame doesn’t go away forever.

I’m so grateful that the conversation about mental health is being broadcasted and discussed by many people to many groups! Even though a lot of people still believe dangerous myths about mental illnesses, so many more are being educated and are spreading the word that mental illnesses are both serious issues that need attention and also just a part of life for many people — they are not less human. I’ve been able to have many open, honest conversations with friends and even co-workers about depression (both mine and theirs) because people are becoming less afraid. But the stigma still exists, even in my mind.

Just today, a good friend of mine and a coworker was explaining her reason for choosing a new job and place to live. She said that it was because of her depression, and she was taking active measures to provide herself with a healthier, more positive environment. But the moment she began talking about depression in front of one of our other coworkers, a voice in my head said, “Shhhhh! Don’t talk about THAT with them! They don’t understand. They’ll make fun of us. They’ll see us differently. Shhhhhh!!!!”

I didn’t say these thoughts allowed. In fact, I praised my friend for her honesty and thanked her for talking about it with me. But it still shocked me how quickly my fear came. In some moments of weakness, I’m still playing by the old rules: that I can’t talk about it, that my depression is inherently disturbing, that I’ll scare away people…

But I have to remind myself, like I do almost every day, that it’s ok. I’m ok. I can talk about it when and if I want to, and when I do, I shouldn’t be ashamed.

So to everyone or anyone reading this, especially those with depression: don’t be scared! Fight the fear! With or without depression, you are beautiful and important and valuable. There’s a lot people don’t know about depression, but you’ve been given an inside look. You know. You know how hard it is and how stigmatized it can be. So use that! Use it to find yourself help and to help others! We can help educate others and make mental illness a normal, healthy conversation. We can connect with others like us and make them feel connected and loved.

Don’t let depression, or the negative stereotypes about it, silence you. You’re not crazy or broken or ugly. You have a unique voice and stories, and you deserve to have the right to share those when and if you want.

I’m rooting for us. Have a good day and keep the conversation going!

~River