Month of Me. Opening Pandora’s box.

Yesterday, I shared this blog with my Psychotherapist. It’s funny when you hear yourself say some of this stuff aloud. It seems so trivial. Are my problems really problems? Or is this all in my head?

At any rate, I feel writing this stuff and sharing it with the people closest to me, it makes me feel like I’m not going to let it consume me any more. Like I’m taking a stand against my depression and not giving it the upper hand any longer. It’s the first time in my life I’ve opened up this much. It’s a bit frightening and I feel very exposed. But somehow it feels right.

After my appointment, I went to storage. I packed my whole life into a 10'x12' unit back when my ex and I split. I started to clean it out a few months ago. It’s chock full of memories of the life I used to live. I’d really like to clean it out and move on from it all. So I’ll tackle it box by box. Otherwise it seems like a daunting task. So I picked a box and opened it up. This box I happened to choose, it was the perfect box to start with.

It was a box of clothes. Normally a box like this would end up in a clothing bin. But not this one. This was a box of expensive, dressy clothes. Stuff I had bought myself when I lost weight years ago. In fact, i dont think I had ever unpacked it his box after moving when I got married. It sat in my basement unopened until now. It had delicate skirts, colorful blouses, all things that reminded me of a happy time and an achievement I had once reached. Some of it is definitely too small, so I’ll hold onto it and see it as a new achievement as I’m able to slip into them. I went through the entire box and pulled out anything that was no longer in pristine condition. The rest are going to be washed, ironed or dry cleaned. It’s given me an idea for a new task that will help me with one of my goals. I have 4 closets in my apartment chock full of clothes. They aren’t sorted or easy to look through. And there’s lots of stuff I never wear mixed in… So it’s hard to look through and choose things when I’m getting dressed. I tend to reach for the stuff that’s freshly folded in the laundry basket. Not the stuff hanging in plastic from the dry cleaner.

So I’m going to choose a day and dive in. I’ll make a donation box and part with anything I don’t see myself wearing. The rest will be freshened, sorted and organized so I start wearing them. The few days lately where I’ve gotten dressed up and did my hair and makeup definitely gave me a confidence boost, so I think this will be a day well spent. I’m going to try to do it Friday or Saturday.

I’m off to day 8. Spending it in the city doing some sessions being held by a few companies talking about technology and best practices in my field. Will hopefully be some much needed ‘brain candy’. Afterward, meeting a friend I havent seen in about a year and a half to catch up. I do feel a little of the ‘Oh my god I’m leaving the house’, but I’m choosing to ignore it. I know when the day is done I’ll be glad I did it.