Wonder for now.


I am doing this for myself. I do not care particularly what you or anyone else thinks, and I need to make this clear upfront. This is my personal philosophy for basically everything in life. Want to call me a selfish bitch? Go for it. Because really, aren’t we all. Think about it evolutionary. The selective pressure on humans is not so different than anything else. Individuals that are more fit survive. Those that act for themselves. Altruism is only apparent.

This is not what I want this to be.

This is my free space. And yes, it is going to jump around from thoughts to thoughts. I am not going for traditional or conventional and truthfully I HATE that I even feel the need to justify my writings to anyone else. But I feel it.

I suppose I simply wish to make my efforts which I put into a private journal at least seem like it’s not wasted. Maybe someone would appreciate it?

I am not a writer. I hardly even write at all. It’s really something I only do when I feel the urge, and when I do it’s desperate and strong and it flows and I can’t stop it. Its like how it is with my art as well, for much of the time. I do not like to go back and edit and reflect upon it but possibly I will change my ways with my writings going public. I also hardly ever get the chance to read anything that is not a textbook. Thus, pardon my terrible grammar and lack of eloquence.

I constantly feel like I have so many things to do. I did’t even have a difficult course load this semester, but with school, trying to do yoga, climb, keep my place not always looking like a slug club, and being social (and my sanity- somewhat), I really do not have much spare time. Or I don’t make it when I should.

Not my photo.. from google search of “slug”. ((I want you to think of their mucus))

Part of the reason I feel the need to outlet my thoughts may stem from the dissatisfaction I’ve had with my previous lifestyle and many decisions I’ve made. Yes I am in college so it makes sense that social gatherings use alcohol like oil to function. I think? Maybe I think it’s really my lack of self control. I’ve gotten a lot better but for a long while whenever I drank I would black out. It became so normal.

I guess for a brief history of my last few years.

When college started, I began in chemical engineering and was living in an engineering scholars dorm. I was unsure of the major going into it, but I was always good at math and science and it’s a logical major if you view college as a investment for a life with secure income and stability. It became clear this was not my goal in life. I think I very much disliked the people I was around in the dorms. Or do I really just not like people. Fuck, I would do anything to get out of living there. I wanted an escape.

I remember my first night living in the dorms, being around so many people being awkward and trying to make friends and be cool and care only about superficial surface level shit asking the same 5 questions and being fake kind to everyone. I decided to spend my time doing something enjoyable. Something that felt real. At least my dorm was on the far edge of campus, right next to a trail along a river. I walked along this trail, where there were many trees and ducks- moonlight reflecting off the water. A change in landscape from my new city. Cigarette in hand, I saw a man. He was sitting on some rocks right off the trail, looking off into the river. I thought about sitting down next to him. He seemed like the type of person that would have something real to say-unlike those bubbly babbling freshman engineers- thoughts about what causes people to behave the way they do or reflections upon a recent book he’s read. I desperately wanted to but I was nervous. I walked past. I even stopped and turned around and kinda started to move my weight forward. But stopped. hesitant. I kept to my self because I was fearful of what ? Intruding upon his time of solitude?

I didn’t realize it at the time but I think I was unhappy. I ended up having drunk sex with this guy named George. Of course, I hardly remember the actual event happening. More just waking up in his bed to phone calls because I was supposed to be going somewhere that day, so I left. By this point in time, I don’t know how many weeks, but more a month had passed since college stated, and waking up next to strangers had happened more than once. I actually stated college with a boyfriend who went to another school — blah blah — not what I think is interesting or what I care to talk about.

He’s the only one who actually contacted my afterwards though- we ate food, then went back to his place to smoke and we ended up dating months later. I HATE ROMANCE by the way so do not worry, I only mention this because it ended up significantly influencing the next year and a half of my life. I basically moved out of the dorms — and by second semester seriously only went back to grab random items I wanted. I believe I was eager to get away from things I hated and so I could be high and forget and laugh and talk about things that seemed more real.

I got off on this tangent because I lived with him over the summer as well and basically would just get drunk as fuck every night. Granted, I would be drinking the same amount as these guys who were about twice my size, and preferred wine over beer.

I am bored of this and moving on to the art project I did for my drawing final this semester.

Have you seen Jessica Jones?

I am in love with her. I made a painting of her a while back that I worked on for a long time and I actually like how it turned out. I’ve been considering trying to sell my art work and feel like I could sell this piece. So when the final assignment was to “do whatever the fuck you want” I decided to do another piece inspired by her. Except I hated what I started. I got this new medium- pastel paints that you use these sponge brush things with and do not even need water to use!- and liked it but hated how it was turning out. So I restarted and hated it. Then got the idea to do a pipe cleaner portrait based off of — -

I threw this painting party a couple of weeks ago where I laid out canvas. It was a typical college party, plus paint! It was great actually. I guess I’ll post pictures of the results:

Anyway, I also made a shitty portrait out of pipe cleaners of someone at that party and thought it was fun and wanted to seriously try a portrait of pipe cleaners. Thus the idea for my final project. When I told my professor about what I had tried and my ideas, he wanted me to get really into it and just make a bunch of portraits. So I made a couple.

My favorite is actually…..


So I was at this Mexican restaurant having some margs and I forget exactly how it came about but I ended up making a portrait out of a tortilla chip with hot cause, queso and pepper. The best part is I wanted to keep the chip to take into class, and so I was carrying the chip with me when we went to the bar afterwards. So when we got there I went to the bathroom and set the chip down on top of the toilet. At this point my phone was dying and wouldn’t take pictures with a flash so I left the chip on the toilet and left the stall to borrow my friends phone, so I could take a picture. As I was asking for her phone a drunk girl started to walk into the stall where my chip was —

“No! You can’t go in there ! I need to take a picture of my chip!”

…. she was very confused. The chip did not successfully make it home with me.

Anyway, getting a bit bored of this writing. Just in case any of you care, here is the how the pipe cleaner portrait turned out:

Please keep in mind this got a bit damaged in transportation, and someone knocked it over in class. Also it got to a point where i just needed to finish it for class. I know it’s shitty, which is why I’m posting it on here. (Its not worth anything- what else should I do with this thing I wasted so much time on). Do you know how long it takes to scrunch up that many pipe cleaners? I was actually planing on including the mid-body but fuck that! Maybe if I get that time turner I’ve always dreamed of.

Oh and I guess to link back to my life history- I just want you to know I included a brief description some of my bad decisions I’ve made because I think maybe I needed to spend too much time wasting time to realize that I want to change my life. That I do not want to just escape life anymore, or get drunk every night.

But wait — you may be thinking — didn’t you say a couple weeks ago you made that tortilla chip portrait? Why yes, that was last weekend and I had a blast.

Starting to see why my name is “Constant Confliction”?