The Intentional Loneliness of Solo Travel
*Republished from my private journals, originally written in November 2015
Solo travel seems to be one of those things that is only truly understood once you do it. Even before my Pit Stop, the most common question I’d get when talking to people about my solo travels, whether at home or abroad, was why do I do it alone. “Don’t you get lonely?” “Don’t you want to share those moments with people you care about? My answer has always been, “sure, but it’s intentional loneliness.” That being said, while I know that my solo experiences and the accompanying solitude have always been valuable, I never really peeled back the layers to fully understand what I actually meant by the term intentional loneliness.
Coincidentally, last week I re-watched the film adaptation of Into The Wild during an acclimatization day in the Himalayan village of Manang. I found a “cinema,” which was in reality three benches lined up in the basement of a home, a DVD player, and a projector with a bed sheet. For $2.50, the experience was rounded out with tea and popcorn. It was awesome.
For those unfamiliar with Into the Wild, it’s story of Christopher McCandless, a fresh graduate of Emory University, who forfeited a conventional life, went off the grid from family and friends, and set off on his personal search for truth that eventually led him to the Alaskan wilderness. It’s a tremendous story about adventure, spiritual discovery, human connection, and loneliness. There are dozens of beautiful quotes and awakenings throughout the film, but his final revelation is “happiness (is) only real when shared.”
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To be perfectly honest, I can’t really argue with that. My happiest moments have come in the company of those that I love, so I’ve found myself spending a lot of time thinking about intentional loneliness and why it’s so rewarding, despite the missing company.
The conclusion I keep coming back to is that going solo makes travel limitless, particularly when it comes to personal and/or spiritual growth. One person is more nimble than two, decisions are yours and yours alone, and the best way to discover (or rediscover) one’s true self is to shed all existing impressions or judgements, whether good or bad, or from friends or enemies.
To further expand on this notion:
1. Talking to strangers is easier when alone… and strangers are everywhere.
Back in the late 80’s, my dad bought the legendary computer game, The Oregon Trail, for my sister, Elina, and me. As he stood over our shoulders watching the jerky movements of oxen pulling a wagon on the pixelated monitor, we’d pull into a settlement, where (going from memory) we’d have a few options to choose from; hunt, trade, or talk to people. Of course, I’d want to hunt, but my dad stood there and continuously encouraged us to “talk to people.” Again and again he’d say it until we reluctantly clicked “talk to people” and received some good tips from helpful trail folk that helped us complete the game. Our dad’s persistence burned “talk to people” into our brains, which Elina and I still joke about to this day. Talking to people has now become second nature whilst traveling, but I’ve still found it to be much easier when alone, both for myself and for the people I encounter. Whether the conversations are started for information, directions, recommendations, or simply mutual interest, there tends to be more comfort when there’s just one person to address, which seems to lead to many more fruitful conversations.
2. Preconceived notions don’t exist when you’re solo, leading to more honesty, truth and perspective
Expanding on the first point, when you’re not tied into a previously formed social construct such as a friendship or a group, you can simply be one human connecting with another when meeting someone new. There’s no concern of judgment and I often find the result to be transparent and deep conversations that evolve faster than they would at home. As recently as last week, I was speaking with a new French buddy, Sylvain, who I had met trekking. I told him my story about burning out, having a panic attack in front of my entire company and generally feeling lost. He followed by telling me about his mother, who had sadly lost her battle to cancer earlier this year. He explained how his relationship with his brother and sister had always been strained, but the togetherness that came with the passing of their mother completely galvanized the family, bringing them closer than ever. It was only about an hour that we spoke one-on-one, but it was enough to solidify a friendship and provide perspective that I’ll carry with me interminably. While it’s rare to have these moments at home or while traveling as a group, they come early and often traveling solo.
3. You get to play the “yes game”
Just say yes is an informal rule I’ve set for myself while traveling, which can be super exhilarating and lead to amazing stories. It’s a simple rule; just say yes when presented with any opportunity or invite, regardless of how tired or jet lagged I might be and how ridiculous it might seem (within reason, of course).
- Should I join a bunch of Chinese ravers to go to a warehouse party two hours away? You betcha.
- Should I ride on the roof of the beat down Nepalese bus because the inside is full? Yep.
- Should I stay out and go bar hopping with locals I just met in Tokyo, even though I just got off a 16-hour flight and haven’t showered or slept? Of course.
- Should I go skinny dipping at 4am with some random Eastern Europeans? Obviously
Sometimes, saying yes leads to nothing particularly special, but other times, the experiences can be absolutely unforgettable. Either way, you’ll never find out if you say no. Just say yes. Do it for the story.
4. You’re only accountable to and responsible for yourself
If you fuck up, there’s only one person to blame and that’s you. There are many hard lessons to learn when traveling solo. It might be a missed train, a lost reservation, or an injury, but there are times that it sucks terribly to be alone and you wish you’d have familiar faces around. However, it’s at those moments that you realize how self-sufficient you really are and you are fully capable of pulling through those low points. Conversely, if you feel like changing plans, leaving a place early or staying later, there’s nobody to consult but yourself. You can do as you please and blaze your own trail. In either scenario, it’s a truly liberating feeling.
5. In reality, you’re rarely that lonely
Yes, you’re away from your home, your friends and your family, but everywhere you look, there are kind faces and the possibilities of new friendships. Travelers are a welcoming, like-minded bunch and some of the people I’ve met on the road have become friends for life. When looking back at my solo travels, there are very few negative instances of loneliness and the good most definitely outweighs the bad.
Loneliness isn’t always a bad thing, especially when it’s intentional. It’s incredible how much you can learn about the world and yourself by living out of a backpack and being left to your own devices. It can lead you down many unexpected paths and into many new connections and experiences. In terms of my Pit Stop, solo travel has been an absolutely essential element and its playing out as it always has; providing me with enriching experiences, friendships and insights that just wouldn’t be possible without embracing loneliness.
