CHOOSING TO BE ILL
Up until now I fear I have been one exasperating woman convinced that I have the answer to everything — my own and others’ problems. When family and friends have been ill have I been sympathetic and understanding? No. I’ve told them in accordance with my belief that our minds control our bodies, to discover why they are causing their problem/choosing to have it/doing it to themselves. Now I feel well and truly ‘hoisted by my own petard’.
There are two levels of ‘knowing’ of course. Rationally being aware of what is happening and intuitively understanding why it is happening. Rationally I know why I am making my body ill but I don’t intuitively understand because I am unable to stop doing it.
Yes, I am consumed with the fear of taking what I intuitively believe to be the ‘next step’ in my life . My Buddhist teachers used to say that when we truly experience what we are doing to ourselves as suffering, then we will spontaneously drop it.
I am finding this illness very painful and uncomfortable. I don’t want it. I truly believe that my mind is causing me this illness and my Doctor agrees with me, and yet for some reason I will not stop doing it!!!