Alternative Therapies For Cycling
When a recent conversation with a stranger surprisingly veered down a mystical path espousing the benefits of Crystal Healing, my inner sceptic immediately piped up with an internal dialogue more powerful than the compulsion to risk life and death at a level crossing in the Paris-Roubaix.
Fighting back the relentlessly pounding voice of reason, I managed to tolerate the conversation without having to physically extricate myself from what seemed a rapidly-deteriorating and hazardous situation. It quickly brought to mind that famous quote — usually mis-attributed to Mark Twain, and probably by Greg King:
‘Don’t argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.’
I dug in and patiently listened to what the crystal advocate had to say.
‘I know this is going to sound like hippy bullshit but I got this new crystal recently and I can really feel it energising me. It actually makes me tingle.’
There was certainly no arguing the first point. I continued to listen, offering a considered and only slightly inflammatory question: ‘Are you sure it wasn’t radioactive?’
Then I got to thinking, what if there is some merit to crystal healing and other pseudoscientific alternative therapies? And what if their power could also be harnessed in arenas outside of the mystic realm— arenas where science and medicine have always been a bit clouded, like bike racing?
Proponents of these types of therapies will often say things like, ‘If I believe that it helps me, then it does.’
So why not apply this sort of faith in a higher power to cycling? After all, the cycling industry is full of pseudo-scientific claims such as:
- GT’s famous Triple Triangle frame design can help you win both XC and DH World Cups.
- Zertz viscoelastic dampers can help you win Paris-Roubaix
- Formula 1 technology will make you a better rider, both offroad and on.
In light of this, here are some great ways that you can incorporate some equally robust alternative therapies in to your competitive cycling.
Crystal Healing
According to those un-imaginative skeptics over at Wikipedia…
‘…scientific investigations have not validated claims that chakras or energy grids actually exist, nor is there any evidence that crystal healing has any greater effect upon the body than any other placebo.’
But we all know that you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia. In support of this argument, the popular user-compiled fake-information site even includes an extensive entry on hoaxes that have been discovered on its own website.
It seems pretty reasonable therefore, to ignore the (probably poorly researched and referenced) assertions being made against the benefits of crystal healing. Until such a time as Wikipedia clears up every hoax on its website, I’m going to take the view that crystal healing does actually work.
Take this phrase, for example, where I’ve highlighted in bold, italics and with [square brackets] a few key elements from Wikipedia’s entry on crystal healing that, if taken to be a hoax, transform the article into a clear and robust rebuttal against arguments refuting the scientific basis of this practice.
‘There is [no] peer reviewed scientific evidence that crystal healing has an[y] effect. It is considered a [pseudo]science. Pleasant feelings or [seeming] successes of crystal healing can be attributed [to the placebo effect, or to cognitive bias (which occurs when the believers want the practice to be true and see only things that back up that desire)].’
Given that the order of the words in the phrase above might have been altered by any one of the 70,000+ anonymous collaborative Wikipedian pranksters, it’s fair to take articles published on Wikipedia with a grain of salt — which is also a powerful crystal.
Taking this idea further, there’s good reason (and by this I mean no reason) to assume that crystals have the power to align more than just your Chakras. Why not harness their powerful mystical energy to smooth out a wobble in a buckled wheel? This would put an end to the inconvenience of having to trudge down to your local bike shop after you’ve turned your hoop in to a taco.
With the right combination of potent healing crystals, you should be able to get that wheel straight without any annoying spoke replacement, nipple tweaking or tension adjustment. The downside is that you may have to start purchasing your bike tools from somewhere like this:
Occult Tarot Cards
Tarot Cards have been used to divine revelatory information for over two hundred years. The typical deck consists of 22 trump cards (the Major Arcana or greater secrets), and a further 56-card Minor Arcana (or lesser secrets), which are divided in to four suits — Swords, Wands, Coins (or Pentacles) and Cups. A skilled cartomancer is able to divine meaning from the order in which cards are randomly selected from a shuffled deck. Some of the special trump cards include The Magician, The High Priestess, The Hierophant, The Hermit, Wheel of Fortune, Death, The Devil, Judgement, and The Fool.
Consider yourself the fool though, if you can’t see the significant efficiency gains that a competitive cyclist can garner from a Tarot Card reading. An accurate reading will determine the outcome of your races in advance. After all, there’s little point turning up to a race that you know you won’t win or at least podium. You’ll save time (otherwise wasted competing in events that you don’t win), save money (otherwise wasted on race entries and travel expenses), and save on component wear-and-tear (by competing less often). That means a triple victory for your competitive cycling exploits plus the chance to tap in to a collective unconscious that can provide important insights in to your past, present and future.
For those keen to take something away from their divination reading, the Tarot deck conveniently doubles as a spoke card collection that you can use to give your wheel some mystical intuition about upcoming potholes or tram tracks.
Homeopathic Sports Nutrition
The incredible medicinal benefits of homeopathy have also been practised for over two centuries. Based on the simple principle that like cures like, various active substances are progressively diluted in water, counter-intuitively causing their healing powers to grow ever stronger. You can find out all about how homeopathy works on one of my favourite websites, http://www.howdoeshomeopathywork.com/.
Despite the fact that the laws of physics and chemistry preclude homeopathic mechanisms from having any effect, and that at many common dilution levels there is little chance of even a single active molecule remaining in your homeopathic water solution, once again the possible benefits to the competitive cyclist here far outweigh most of these annoying facts and scepticism.
Just imagine the mileage you could get out of your next sachet of electrolyte powder when diluted to a concentration of just 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.
Japanese Reiki
Mountain bikers know the frustration of bleeding hydraulic disc brakes in order to eliminate air bubbles from the system. However, a skilled Japanese Reiki practitioner can use the principles of universal energy transfer to get those bubbles to the top of the fluid reservoir and in to a state of equilibrium with little more than the intuitive power of their palms.
Then all you’ll need to do is pop the cap off the reservoir to let the air escape. No more messy syringes, bleed nipples, lever pumping, or delicate agitation while simultaneously trying to prevent hydraulic fluid from contaminating your disc rotors.
These principles are equally effective at directing tubeless tyre sealant to the region of a small puncture or cleaning out the dirt that is slowly disintegrating your headset or bottom bracket bearings.
As there is currently no central body for Reiki accreditation, you can probably learn all you need to online and then look forward to the convenience of a lifetime of clean and simple bicycle maintenance.
The Future of Alternative Therapies in Cycling
Clearly, there are plenty more alternative therapies eagerly waiting to be embraced by cycling. Faith Healing or Psychic Surgery might provide a more reliable and cost-effective way to repair damaged carbon fibre frames and Urine Therapy should probably form part of any serious rehydration strategy. Personally I’m hoping that someone can discover a way to harness the powerful aromatherapeutic benefits that undoubtedly reside within a moist chamois at the end of a 5-hour ride. I reckon a whiff of that would make anybody tingle.
