Thank you Mister Prime Minister
Mr Prime Minister Verhofstadt, I must say from DC we were quite frightened by your many past stands occurring at the European Parliament over your vision of Europe, the EU, the Euro and the solutions you gave in your astonishingly worrying book “Europe’s disease”, that we of course did not read, but does not prevent us from making a valuable judgment over it.
Mr Prime Minister, as we have been working so hard to Make America Great Again with emphasizing on the fact from now on it will be America first, it is superfluous to portray you the anxiety we had in our towering HQ when we, first realized that on the other side of the Atlantic was lying a full continent. In a second time, realizing that this continent shared similar life standards as ours, and thirdly when we learned that we share military partnerships with this continent. Useless to explain you the widespread sentiment of horror and disgust among our team when a historian we found on Craigslist (you should try it, it’s terrific) summed up the deep bounds we had no idea linked both our continents over the Atlantic.
Going from a bad news to another, as an African kid jumping from a land mine to the next, we realized that President Juncker, the leader of your continent, was not the sole man in charge and could be challenged, particularly by highly popular politicians like you. That is when we focused on your speeches. And, I still thrill while even recalling what we heard.
Because you have to understand something, Mr Prime Minister. The whole principle of Make America Great Again and America First, only works if other countries are keeping on serving us. In other terms, we intend to make this policy work only by making sure that other continents are not progressing in the meantime, with the risk of outmatching us in the long run, together with making sure that we take what is benefiting us and reject what is not. I think you very well know what I am talking about, Mr Prime Minister, as our British friends understood that in the greatest possible way.
So, when thinking about the different continents and countries spreading on our Earth, we were not quite afraid by any competition. Let me tell you that frankly. Between the countries that have the military powers but an economy that doesn’t even match the one of our redneck states, or on the contrary those with decent enough economies but with military capabilities we could destroy with a toothpick, or finally those with strong economies thanks to local resources and semi-enslavement working classes, interesting military forces (understand me, by interesting I mean countries we could totally wipe out, but which would require a particular effort that we are quite unready to provide) but whose populations are silenced and therefore countries as attractive for foreign investments as pictures of my mother-in-law are to me when I have a boner. We did not quite feel impressed to say the very least. So when we discovered your continent — that must have been so discrete for the past decades for us not noticing it by the way, but it is another topic — and particularly you and other European leaders, Mr Prime Minister, we immediately felt the danger.
If your continent, with its tremendous financial capabilities, Economic power and military forces would to become more attractive and considered a safe haven for foreigners, it would jeopardize our entire policy. Because to be honest, we know we cannot destroy Europe, we can however greatly impact it, but Europe remains a harsh competitor at every level.
Thanks to the Almighty, our British friends started to do the job for us. But it is not sufficient nor fast enough as our team might only get 4 years in office, and that would be without counting the many impeachment attempts that we are already quite ready to face. So it is of utmost importance that your continent remains unnoticed, absent of the International stage, considered unreliable, weak and old while we are going to re-center on our country and abandon the Global stage. In other words, Mr Prime Minister, we were hoping that would not fill the vacuum left by our absence or you might very well become the leading force of the next century.
Therefore, keep on closing your borders, militarizing your streets and most importantly keep on the good path you are heading toward as to make no decision at all on any international issues.
As that is stated Mr Prime Minister, I wanted to reassure the deep sympathy Trump’s team feels for you as you preciously fulfill all our hopes. While your books and speeches could have — it’s true — worried us for the ambitions you developed for Europe, your acts, though, remained our pride.
Writing a book “Europe’s disease”, portraying yourself as a defender of Europe, sharing countless short videos of you battling and engaging anti-Europe politicians in the Parliament arena and right after attempting to ally with this Italian Euro-skeptical genius Beppe Grillo, is just brilliant. This particular achievement was literally far beyond our own expectations. We should have felt it however while watching and reading you, as the similarities between you and our own President stroke us when realizing how deeply attached you are to the crown, the gold and the marble of the palaces, the pageantry, the light and the glory that in reality seem to be your sole motivations. Even though we sometimes felt disconcerted by your stands, as you are very convincing Mr Prime Minister. And sincerely, I do totally understand that staying in the Belgian political arena is not really worth your ambition and talent. Who would really want to stay in Belgium when the much tempting lights of the EU are only footsteps away in Brussels (except this evil Paul Magnette)?
We understood that you are a great PR, that “likes” and comments on your countless short videos designed for your social medias fan pages are an obsession to you (and your team), therefore we would like to offer you a position at the Secretary of Communication here in DC for helping us shape a better International image for our President Trump. In the meantime, we would be very happy to introduce you to some Hollywood’s finest in order for you to develop your strong skills.
Do not worry Mr Prime Minister, your current political alienation remains temporary and is a classic. I even heard your French neighbors have an idiom for it: “la traversée du desert”, how cute.
People are not as smart as they think they are Mr Prime Minister, and you will make a tremendous and globally acclaimed come back in few years. In the meantime we will closely monitor President Juncker for his remaining 3 years to make sure that he also keeps up with the terrific job he is already doing.
Thus for that Mr Prime Minister, I want to thank you from the deepest of my heart and will not fail to read your book and laugh while doing so.
Expert in International Affairs and Advisor to the finest.