Verge
I am a man of integrity…am I?
In July 1983, I was conceived at a military hospital; I was born & bred in a military oriented household, my parents served 20 plus years in the United States Air Force.
From adolescence, I blossomed into a young man; gender roles guided my assimilation in regards to accepted behaviors. Tolerable — Interdisciplinary Falsehoods taught me to live a double life; peer to peer interaction coaches us to intertextually evolve in the shadows i.e. “Fake It Til You Make It.“ Hence, we sacrifice our own wants and need for the admiration of our parents and peers.
“Your sons will take the place of your fathers; you will make them princes throughout the land.” Psalm 45:16
High School — I shouldered the military achievements of my parents by participating in JROTC; integrity was the gospel for us young men and women.
“Integrity first — It is the inner voice, the source of self-control; it is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking.” — Google
Lifeless integrity…
I graduated high-school and continued my education at a four year university; I masked this allotted span with schoolwork and socializing.
I dug a hole for myself…
I made headway in college. I was on the verge of divulging all deceits — yet again I repressed the relevant ardor — I continued to,“Fake It Til You Make It.“
I underwent intrinsic self-loathing consequently due to the tolerable — interdisciplinary falsehoods; this helped influence the basis of my adolescence and some of my twenties. It was like I was frequently trying to gut myself so I could replace myself with someone better.
I romanticized the idea of living without deceit, but in the mean time I fancied the hearts and souls of women. I abandoned my desire and shrouded the severity of my deceitfulness; my authentic self was buried as I reinvented a new identity. I knew my peers and deceased mother would be proud — MATRIMONY.
Oh, I dug myself into a hole, by what means do I dig myself out?
Subsequently, I started graduate school and discovered I am only submerging myself in guilt. Hold your fire — guilt? The absence of integrity which was deep-rooted into my psyche from infantile to maturity was making me miserable.
THE LIE “I can transform myself into the person everyone expects me to be.”
“Fooling yourself can have devastating consequences, especially in the domains of money, career, sexual identity and relationships.” — Kat McGowan
Divorce — Dreadful, Failure, Heartrending, Egocentric, Bitter, And Happy.
Please Somebody — Throw me shade so I cannot shine; give me a reason to put an end to this two-faced lifestyle. I stumbled onto what we can label as motivation i.e. My ex. There was a pang of guilt, I learned a valuable lesson and I appreciate what I have now.
You did it, you told the truth to yourself.
You aren’t hiding any longer, tell the world.
Time lag… it is now 2016, 18 years have lapsed since my mother’s death. I have been divorced for approximately four years and I continue to camouflage the truth once again. Where did the integrity go? By no means, did I deny transparency — there is an onus authenticity which was taken without consent.
Dear Father,
I refrain from keeping in touch; I hold a secret that will forfeit our relationship.
I like men, I have liked men since age 12. I remember at age 12 my mother taking heed to those latent gay tendencies I inhibited; she quickly hashed those by stating,” If you are gay, I will disown you.” I immediately learned how to,“Fake It Til You Make It.“
The Theatrical Conclusion — Hollywood -The Double Agent
For years, I played a double agent, I lived two lives. I consolidated and embedded society’s beliefs, attitudes, and values when it came to my moral behavior. Without incident, I provided an artificial carved image to support my male peers as they drooled over those of the opposite sex; I upheld this image for 20 years. 20 years of bearding your authentic self is exhausting, 20 years of cowardice lies. It takes a lot of energy to live with a mask on, trying to be all things to all people, or trying to please everyone. If you are on the verge of coming out, just do it for your sanity, be your authentic self. You can only ‘Fake It’ for so long, what if you don’t have the time to ‘Make It’?
“Everybody dies but not everybody lives.” — Nicki Minaj
