AUTHOR’S NOTES: This sketch was first written in 2012. It was revised in 2022 for a live reading of GO SKETCH YOURSELF on the Twitch channel for the Pack Theater. This was inspired by a period in 2012 when every GOP politican who was vocially supporting anti-choice policies revealed that their knowledge of female anatomy was deeply limited. (For further details, Google “Todd Akin”.)
INT: RADIO BROADCAST BOOTH-DAY.
LANCE REDBACH is sitting in his usual perch where he’s been broadcasting since the Clinton Era. The mike is hot and so’s his mouth. The on-air music is gutbucket rock.
LANCE
And we’re back! Welcome to hour two of the Lance Redbach show! I am he who is Lance Redbach! Broadcaster extraonarde! The Last Angry Man on radio! In the kingdom of the pussified blind, I am Nick Fury with a hard-on of righteous indignation!
(Half-beat.)
Well, I’m not gonna lie to you folks, the Supreme Court finally kicking Row V Wade in the bait and tackle makes me happier than a Socialist getting his welfare check. And what makes me even happier is now that the GOP set their sights on their Birth Control pills, all the Ladyistias have gotten their Che Guvera underoos in a knot.
(In fake lady voice.)
Ooohhh, I can’t get my baby blocking pills anymore. How can I get through my Friday night gang bang without my Baby-blockers?
(Regular voice.)
You know what? Here’s a bright idea! Why not count up the number of pills you have left and make those the number of times you can have sex ever again without getting married. Then either get married or keep your legs shut!
(Half-Beat.)
Anyway, the phone lines are open. The number is 1–888–55-LANCE. I want to hear from all of you Redbach Rangers out there.
(Hits line one.)
Dearborn, Michigan. Steve, you’re on the air.
STEVE (FILTERED VO.)
Hey Lance! Long time listener, first time caller. I just want to say that I’m in total agreement with you on Row V. Wade.
LANCE
Thank you.
STEVE (FILTERED VO.)
But I do have to correct you on one point.
LANCE
Okay.
STEVE (FILTERED VO.)
The birth control pill isn’t taken every time the woman has sex. To be effective, she has to take it everyday. You see…
LANCE
Okay, Steve. I’m gonna stop you right there. Everyone knows that women have to take the pill before sex to keep the Stamen from coming out of the vagina.
STEVE (FILTERED VO.)
The Stamen?
LANCE
And a Baba-Booey to you too.
(Clicks him off.)
I’m sorry, folks. We try our best to screen all our calls before we put ’em on air. But every now and then, a real whack job manages to slip through. Can’t be helped. It’s just one of the lovely quirks you get with live radio.
(Hits line two.)
Stockton, California, Mike. You’re on the air!
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
Yeah, Lance. I was calling to ask you about your take on the Ukrainian War.
LANCE
Not our circus, not our clowns. Biden should have never gotten us involved…
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
But I was listening to that last call and I gotta ask, what the hell did you mean by Stamen?
LANCE
Seriously? You don’t know?
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
No, sir.
LANCE
You sound like a young guy, Mike? What are you? Twenty-One? Twenty-Two?
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
Twenty-Four.
LANCE
Married?
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
No, sir.
LANCE
Well then, it makes sense you wouldn’t know this.
(Half-Beat.)
The Stamen is a tube that’s inside a woman’s vagina. It’s six to seven inches long and mostly muscle covered by a thin layer of skin.
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
Okay…
LANCE
And unless a woman is using The Pill, when she’s having sex, this tube shoots out and wraps firmly around the penis. It then undulates upward, forcing the semen into the uretus, causing conception. But it only comes out when she’s aroused which makes this whole “Pregnancy from Rape” nonsense all the more kooky.
(Chuckling.)
No Stamen. No baby, that’s just Biology 101. Anyway, I hope that answers your question.
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
Yeah…
LANCE
Now getting back to Ukraine…
MIKE (FILTERED VO.)
I’m good!
We hear a click and then a dial tone before Lance closes the line.
LANCE
Well, I’m glad we could help Mike out. Not the usual kind of talk we have on the show but I did bring up the topic. So that’s on me.
(Clicks Line Three.)
Portland, Oregon. Jack. You’re on the air.
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
Yeah, Lance. Let me first say that I’m a licensed OB/GYN. I graduated from Stanford with Honors. Been in private practice for ten years.
LANCE
Yeah, it’s only a two hour show, Jack. You coming anywhere near a point?
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
Yeah, my point is this. Everything you just said to that last caller…WAS INSANE! Not just incorrect. Not just biologically impossible but completely batshit insane!
LANCE
I’ve gotta ask you to watch your language, Jack. There are kids listening to this show.
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
There is no such thing as a Stamen in female reproductive biology! I can’t even conceive of where you would even hear of such a thing!
LANCE
Where everybody hears about that sort of thing. From my older brother.
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
What?
LANCE
Yeah, during a camping trip when I was twelve.
(Half-Beat.)
Seriously, where was I supposed to hear about this? Public school?
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
For the love of God, man! You’re in your fifties! Do you even know what a vagina looks like?
LANCE
Sure I do. It’s round, it’s several flaps of skin with tendrils coming out of them and a little round mouth like opening in the center.
JACK (FILTERED VO.)
(After two beats.)
You idiot! THAT’S NOT A VAGINA! THAT’S THE SARLACC PIT FROM “JEDI”!
LANCE
YOU’RE THE SARLACC PIT FROM “JEDI”!
He clicks off the phone line.
LANCE
Jerry, that’s two crank calls in one segment! I need you to do your job and screen these calls. Okay?
(Beat.)
Get on the ball!
(Clicks on line.)
Okay. Mercer Island, Washington. Floyd. You’re on the air!
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
Yeah, Lance. I’m a long time listener and…I don’t want to be rude…
LANCE
Glad to hear. It’ll be a nice change of pace today.
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
But I have to ask you something. You’ve been married three times, right?
LANCE
Four. But aside from my accountant, who’s counting?
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
So, my question is…have you ever seen this stamen?
(Pause.)
I’m not trying get to personal here…
LANCE
No. No. That’s fine, Floyd. Look, for whatever reason, this is becoming a thing. So let’s get this out of the way.
(Beat.)
I have never personally seen the stamen but that has been by personal choice.
(Beat.)
You see, when my brother told me about the stamen on that night, it…well, I’m not going to lie. It kind of freaked me out.
(Beat.)
The idea of this tube of muscle grabbing on to my John Thomas and just…squeezing the juice out me, literally. At that moment, I decided to never, ever have children.
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
Really?
LANCE
And honestly, I’ve never regretted it. It’s given me the freedom to focus full time on my first love, broadcasting. And you, the loyal Redbach Rangers have reaped the rewards.
(Beat.)
And surprisingly, none of my wives have had any problem with this. They understood that marriage with me wasn’t about sex but rather a deep, spiritual connection. At least, my present wife Beverly understands that. The other three were just lying, backstabbing whores.
Pause.
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
Oh my God…I’ve been listening to you since I was Thirteen.
LANCE
Well, it’s always gratifying to hear from a long time fan…
FLOYD (FILTERED VO.)
But now I realized that I’ve wasted my life! I’m going to apologize to my wife and give a hundred dollars to NPR.
Click and dial tone. Lance takes two beats longer to close the line and then he speaks.
LANCE
Well…three crank calls in one segment. That has to be a record.
(Half Beat.)
Anyway, we’re going to take a quick break to pay some bills. You folks listen to our fine sponsors while I have a very long talk with producer Jerry. This is the Lance Redbach show. Coming from the Triumphal Radio Network. We’ll be right back.
Two count then…
JERRY
And we’re clear!
LANCE
Oh, Christ…
JERRY
By the way, Lance. Your brother is on line three. He says it’s important.
We hold on Lance’s suddenly frightened face and then…
CUT TO BLACK…
THE END.
