The Hamsterdam Herald — The Sam Antics’ Week 2 Previews
The Hamsterdam Herald is the totally legitimate official media outlet of the borderline legitimate Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League, founded in 2013 and having since grown to 20 members among 12 teams headquartered across the country. I think we still have a website, but I can’t remember the login info. THH has big things popping this season, including The Sam Antics' weekly previews.
Let's try something fun. Let's run through the Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League Week 2 matchups by order of their watchability rankings.
1. Deez Nuts Got 'Em (1-0) vs. No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal (1-0)
We're only actually guaranteed one 2-0 team in Hamsterdam after this week, as this is inexplicably the only matchup between 1-0 teams in the league's second stanza.
But these teams' Week 1 wins couldn't be much more different.
The Sam Antics' favorite fantasy writer's favorite fantasy team, yours truly's Deez Nuts Got 'Em, took down the two-time defending champion to open the 2016-17 season. The three-headed West Coast attack of David Stearns, Tim DeGrasse and Cristof Vasilov got to play the league's worst team of the week, as highlighted in the Week 1 Quick Hits as the Cheap Win of the Week.
The Sam Antics' squad was built around DeAndre Hopkins and Ezekiel Elliott, so naturally Brandin Cooks and DeMarco Murray carried us to victory last week.
While still waiting on Le'Veon Bell's return, NMYYMA is hoping to at least benefit from the return of Markus Wheaton in Week 2. They're also (as of this writing Thursday night) starting two tight ends. One more and their lineup would reflect the coaching staff — three tight ends. That’s a lot of Tiger Balm.
The Sam Antics' totally unbiased prediction: Deez Nuts Got 'Em
2. #SundaySelfies (1-0) vs. Dak My Bitch Up (0-0-1)
The Co-Comissioners Cup!
In his triumphant return to commissionership, Zach Coomer and (life) partner Cam Papp made some good decisions — starting Spencer Ware (28.5 points) — but also some of a regrettable nature. Their Week 1 bench featured Danny Woodhead (19.5 points), Mike Wallace (17.5) and Isaiah Crowell (14).
Currently the #SundaySelfies bench features literally all of the team’s players. Management is trying out a new strategy of emptying the starting lineup and putting all their players on the bench throughout the week until just before game time. What's the purpose of this strategy, you might ask? Opponents are denied a projection for the team's point total in the weekdays leading up to battle, but everybody knows those projections are bogus anyway. The Sam Antics can't wait for the inevitable selfies (on a Sunday, of course) of Coomer and Papp crying because they've forgotten to insert a starting lineup before 1 p.m. EST one Sunday.
Co-Commish Nick Boroughf is flying solo this season after dumping co-owner Vasilov onto the waiver wire. Borough has gotten plenty familiar with the waiver wire this season, already racking up three acquisitions there.
Also, here's your weekly check-in at…
The $39 Jordan Reed Tracker: 7 catches, 64 yards, 9.5 points — 8th among TEs.
The Sam Antics' prediction: #SundaySelfies
3. Hassle and Flow (0-1) vs. Team Bitch Better Have My Money (0-1)
In a classic case of subtraction by addition, Team BBHMM managed the second-lowest point total in the league in Week 1 —which marked the debut of co-owner Caleb "Whiny Rookie Biatch" Everett alongside Brandon Conway.
There is a strong chance Team BBHMM simply got confused about which part of the team home page is for starters and which part is designated for bench players. Team BBHMM's bench outscored its starters 92-76 in Week 1. That takes a special kind of ineptitude you can really only get upon adding Caleb Everett to your management team.
Meanwhile, Week 1 saw Pat Hasler compile the league's fourth-highest score only to lose to Hamsterdam's highest scorers. This year's Hassle and Flow team appears to be yet another solid squad fielded by Hasler, but an early season freakout could be in play should RBs Devonta Freeman and Todd Gurley continue their terrible starts to the year.
The Sam Antics' LOCK OF THE WEEK prediction: Hassle and Flow
4. Ben There Raped That (1-0) vs. The Go-Hards (0-1)
The goings were hard for The Go-Hards in Week 1, and no two-time defending champion is eager to fall into an 0-2 hole to begin the year, but that's just the situation Drew Bontadelli is looking at should Ben There Raped That continue its high-scoring ways from Week 1.
BTRT co-owners Andrew Prentovic, Travis Thal and Kevin Wallace (Any more co-owners coming aboard this year?) have moved on from last year's Hall of Fame QB (Peyton Manning) for a Hall of Fame QB that can actually still play well (Aaron Rodgers) upon joining the fantasy roster.
Like Rodgers' NFL team, his fantasy squad appears to be on a path to public ownership with literally anybody and everybody seemingly able to claim a stake of the team. I’m pretty sure there’s a waiting list.
But new addition Kevin “#FunFactsOnly” Wallace has (in like, one week) already proven more participatory, fun, funny, entertaining, endearing, engaging, interactive, smart, handsome and talented than Bontadelli in two full seasons, therefore…
The Sam Antics' prediction: Ben There Raped That
P.S. – Raise you hand if you want Sir Bars to contribute Hamsterdam matchup-and-results-related raps as part of this season's THH coverage.
Every damn hand better be up right now.
5. Disorderly Conduct (1-0) vs. 4 Da (Fuckin'!) Win (0-0-1)
A sleeper pick in the watchability ranks, this matchup might actually be interesting and worth keeping an eye on throughout Week 2 as both rosters are peppered with legitimate fantasy studs.
Ryan and Sean Hummer's Disorderly Conduct squad boasts a strong WR contingent that includes Antonio Brown, A.J. "This is My (Revis) Island Now" Green and Will Fuller.
Brandon Styles' 4 Da (Fuckin'!) Win boasts the likes of Cam “Head Still Attached — For Now” Netwon, Rob “Other Head Still Attached — For Now” Gronkowski and Week 2 Thursday Night Football darling Matt “Thank God We Were Playing the Shitty Bills” Forte (29 points).
Knowing Styles' history of being "That Guy," however, this matchup has all the classic makings of a scenario in which Gronk doesn't play in Week 2 yet holds down a spot in the 4DFW starting lineup as Styles is too busy being really ridiculously good looking to make a change.
The Sam Antics' prediction: Disorderly Conduct
6. The Money Team (0-1) vs. Minoriteam Winning (0-1)
Was there ever any doubt?
This matchup was destined for nowhere but the bottom of The Sam Antics' Week 2 Watchability Rankings.
Both of these squads would have lost to Team BBHMM's bench in Week 1. #FunFact.
Loser earns an inside track as the favorites for karaokeing "How You Remind Me" or "Photograph" after this season's Nickleback Bowl. Start warming up those vocal chords now, boys. And no, Brett, simply saying the word “photograph” will not count as singing the song.
The (Save That) Money Team owner Brett Falhaber admittedly thinks he might not be very good at Hamsterdam's auction draft format. I don't know why he would think that.
(*Recycled Joke Alert*)
As in, I'm not sure which glaring sign that he's not good at auction drafts is the one getting Mr. Falhaber along that train of thought. Maybe it was the fact he finished the draft with $17 remaining, or maybe it was the fact he never spent more than $38 on any one player.
Also, that $38 player? Keenan "Making My Exit Due to Injury Early This Year" Allen. Still in TMT's starting lineup, too, as of late Thursday. Real strong "That Guy" potential here.
On the other side of this oh-so-forgettable matchup, Minoriteam co-owners Cayton Jenkins and Lamar Styles are looking for improvement from Week 1 — which literally only actually means scoring more than a league-low 65(!) points.
But, at least Minoriteam Winning actually went out and used their auction budget to secure (former, at least, if not proving it yet) fantasy studs.
The Sam Antics' prediction: Minoriteam Winning
The return of football season has reminded me how boring the middle of the week can be. Another weekend of HFFL action is almost here!
The Sam Antics’ season-to-date prediction record: 6–0*
*I went 6–0 in Week 1. The dog ate my homework, or something.