The Hamsterdam Herald — The Sam Antics’ Week 2 Quick Hits

The Hamsterdam Herald is the totally legitimate official media outlet of the borderline legitimate Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League, founded in 2013 and having since grown to 20 members among 12 teams headquartered across the country. I think we still have a website, but I can’t remember the login info. THH has big things popping this season, including The Sam Antics’ weekly Quick Hits.

Football is a brutal, violent game. That savagery was on full display across the National Football League in Week 2. Adrian Peterson, Arian Foster, Danny Woodhead, Doug Martin, Thomas Rawls, Jonathan Stewart, Donte Moncrief and Ameer Abdullah — plus quarterbacks you don’t care about like Jimmy Garoppolo, Josh McCown and Jay Cutler — all went out with injuries of various severity. It was an ugly weekend.

Lineups (and owners) across the Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League were also ugly. Let’s take a look at some of the ugliness (I can only take so much), some rare beauty and the rest from a wild Week 2 in the HFFL.

THE UGLIEST: CONWAYLEB — AKA YOUR NICKELBACK BOWL EARLY FAVORITE

I guess let’s just start with the ugliest of the ugliness and get it over with.

Co-owners Brandon Conway and rookie biaaatch Caleb Everett decided a name change was in order following their disastrous Week 1. It’s gonna’ take more than that, fellas.

The artists formerly known as Team Bitch Better Have My Money are now Team Bench Warmers after the bench outscored the squad’s starters in Week 1. In a truly unprecedented (yet super appropriate) move, they went out and lived up to the new name by AGAIN having their bench outscore their starters — this time by a slimmer margin, 57.5–54, but still. Conwayleb’s bench is beating their starters 149.5–130 through two weeks.

This week’s 54-point output — nearly doubled by opponent Hassle and Flow (The Sam Antics’ LOCK OF THE WEEK) — represents the seventh-lowest score since Hamsterdam expanded to 12 teams (2014–15).

WORST WEEKS IN HAMSTERDAM HISTORY
TEAM — SCORE — WEEK
1. Ryan Hummer — 40 — 2014–15 Week 7
2. David Stearns/Tim DeGrasse — 49 — 2015–16 Week 5
3. Brett Falhaber — 50.5 — 2015–16 Week 16
4. Ryan Hummer — 51.5 — 2015–16 Week 5
5. Ryan Hummer — 53 — 2014–15 Week 16
6. Ryan Hummer — 53.5 — 2015–16 Week 4
T-7. Sam Elliott — 54 — 2014–15 Week 12
T-7. Brandon Conway/Caleb Everett — 54 — 2016–17 Week 2

(Looking at this list, it starts to make a lot of sense why Ryan added Rookie of the Year Sean Hummer as a co-owner this season.)

Conwayleb might not be a one-hit wonder at cracking the top-10 of worst weeks ever this year, either. Among the “studs” on this roster: the aforementioned Abdullah and Martin plus fellow injury bug bites Brandon Marshall, Sammy Watkins, Rashad Jennings and Jimmy Graham.

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THE BEAUTIFUL: BRANDON STYLES — AKA THIS WEEK’S (BLACK) WHITE KNIGHT

In a week lousy with ugliness, leave it to supermodel Brandon Styles to be good looking.

B. Styles’ 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win squad shook off its Week 1 tie by humiliating the Hummer Bros. with 154.5 points’ worth of beatdown. Cam Newton (29 points), Matt Forte (29), Travis Benjamin (26), the Broncos’ defense (21) — these dudes popped off in a total team effort that saw only one starter (kicker Stephen “All of My NFL Team’s Offense This Week” Hauschka) fail to reach double digits.

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GAME OF THE WEEK: Ben There Raped That 113–103.5 The Go-Hards

Andrew Prentovic, Travis Thal and Kevin Wallace are becoming regulars here. And winners. Meanwhile, two-time defending champion Drew Bontadelli is off to an 0–2 start to the year. The previous sentence is really the only reason I included this bit.

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THE REST: EVERYONE ELSE — AKA MOSTLY UGLY BUT SOME OK LOOKING

Wins in the high 90s are hard to justify as a Cheap Win of the Week (Minoriteam Winning’s 97.5–82 victory against The Money Team; Dak My Bitch Up’s 98.5–84 win against #SundaySelfies) despite them coming against some pretty bad, albeit injury-plagued, lineups. Also your favorite THH columnist’s favorite fantasy team, yours truly’s Deez Nuts Got ’Em, is 2–0 through a West Coast road trip to begin the year. This might be the only 2–0 team Blake Bortles ever plays for.