The Hamsterdam Herald — The Sam Antics’ Week 5 Grab Her Right in the Predictions

The Hamsterdam Herald is the totally legitimate official media outlet of the borderline legitimate Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League, founded in 2013 and having since grown to 20 members among 12 teams headquartered across the country. I think we still have a website, but I can’t remember the login info. THH has big things popping this season, including The Sam Antics’ weekly previews and predictions. And yeah I know I said this column would be up Friday, but hey I guess I lied.

There have been plenty of big moments and great performances in the history of the Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League. I don’t personally remember most of them, mainly because I haven’t been a part of them, but I’m sure they’re there.

What becomes more memorable are the lowlights — the henna tramp stamps, the infamous belly button piercing, Nick Boroughf starting Johnny Manziel in a playoff game, Brandon Conway and Caleb Everett having their bench outscore their starters in back-to-back weeks, etc.

In fact, Conwayleb’s lowly 54-point effort back in Week 2 this season sent me on a research and discovery quest to create the definitive list of the league’s all-time worst performances. I call them the “Sub-60s.” Sure, a weekly point total in the 60s, 70s or 80s is pretty shitty, but it’s a whole other level of suck if you can’t break 60 points.

So, here it is. I’m proud to present to you the official list of the all-time worst weeks in Hamsterdam history — not including the “Lost Year” of 2013–14 during which the league only included 10 teams and operated under a different (read: super shitty) scoring system.

THE SUB-60s

TEAM — SCORE — WEEK
1. Ryan Hummer — 40 — 2014–15 Week 7
2. David Stearns/Tim DeGrasse — 49 — 2015–16 Week 5
3. Brett Falhaber — 50.5 — 2015–16 Week 16
4. Ryan Hummer — 51.5 — 2015–16 Week 5
5. Ryan Hummer — 53 — 2014–15 Week 16
6. Ryan Hummer — 53.5–2015–16 Week 4
T-7. Sam Elliott — 54–2014 — 15 Week 12
T-7. Brandon Conway/Caleb Everett — 54 — 2016–17 Week 2
9. Brandon Styles — 54.5 — 2015–16 Week 9
10. Ryan Hummer — 56.5 — 2015–16 Week 12
T-11. Brandon Conway — 57 — 2014–15 Week 7
T-11. Sam Elliott — 57–2014 — 15 Week 14
T-13. Pat Hasler — 57.5–2014 — 15 Week 9
T-13. Drew Bontadelli — 57.5 — 2015–16 Week 2
T-13. Ryan Hummer — 57.5 — 2015–16 Week 6
T-13. Andrew Prentovic/Travis Thal — 57.5 — 2015–16 Week 10
T-17. Brett Falhaber — 58 — 2015 Week 6
T-17. Brandon Styles — 58 — 2015–16 Week 16
T-17. Ryan Hummer — 58 — 2015–16 Week 16
20. Andrew Prentovic/Travis Thal — 58.5 — 2015–16 Week 11
T-21. Drew Bontadelli — 59 — 2014–15 Week 2
T-21. Ryan Hummer — 59 — 2014–15 Week 15

Some statistical analysis:

Most appearances: Ryan Hummer — and it isn’t even close. The Man, The Myth, The Hummer owns four of the top six and eight of the 22 worst weeks in Hamsterdam history. Since adding Rookie of the Year contender Sean Hummer to the franchise this season, it’s been an up-and-down scoring season — 125.5 and 124 in wins, 87 and 77.5 in losses — but nothing threatening Sub-60 status. Way to right the sinking ship there, Sean.

With Hummer clogging up the Sub-60 “leader board,” no other HFFL members have more than two appearances on the list. That group includes Brett Falhaber (Only twice?! Wow, well done!), yours truly Sam Elliott, Brandon Conway, Brandon Styles, Drew Bontadelli, Andrew Prentovic and Travis Thal.

The one-and-dones include David Stearns and Tim DeGrasse (But standing strong at No. 2!), Pat Hasler and Rookie Biaaatch Caleb Everett, who only needed two weeks in the league to make his mark on the record books.

So Hamsterdam, you’re on notice. Post a historically shitty performance and you’ll forever find yourself among the rest of the league’s deplorable Sub-60 performances.

On to the picks!

No. 1 Ben There Raped That (4–0) vs. No. 4 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win (2–1–1)

Our “Top of the Table” section of this week’s matchups begin with undefeated Andrew Prentovic, Travis Thal and Rookie of the Year front runner Kevin Wallace putting their perfect record on the line against Brandon Styles, whose 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win roster is littered with the dreaded Qs and Os of injury bug bites.

BTRT is due for a loss sooner rather than later, but not this week.

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Ben There Raped That

Scoring Stats
Ben There Raped That: 433 points — 2nd in league
4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win: 484.5 points — 1st

No. 2 Deez Nuts Got ’Em (3–1) vs. No. 3 #SundaySelfies (3–1)

Bye Week Blues and a few injuries are abound in this other Top of the Table matchup, where yours truly has had to resort to starting Joe “Please Be Elite” Flacco while praying the Odell Beckham Jr. debacle of a season continues in full force.

Zack Coomer and Cam Papp are riding a two-game winning streak of comfortable victories in which Coomer never once felt comfortable — despite the fact #SS leads the league with the fewest points against all season.

The Sam Antics’ totally unbiased prediction: Deez Nuts Got ‘Em

Scoring Stats
Deez Nuts Got ’Em: 424 points — 3rd in league
#SundaySelfies: 408 points — 7th

No. 5 Disorderly Conduct (2–2) vs. No. 8 Team Bench Warmers (2–2)

Thanks to a Drew Brees bye, Brandon Conway and Rookie Biaaatch Caleb Everett are guaranteed to actually make the right decision at quarterback for just the second time this season. Off to a great start, Conwayleb.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Sean Hummer just continue to disrespect A.J. Green by playing him at the flex. We get it, your wide receiver trio is crazy good — doesn’t merit rookie Will Fuller nabbing a WR spot over Green, right? Whatever.

The Sam Antics’ predictions: Disorderly Conduct

Scoring Stats
Disorderly Conduct: 414 points — 5th in league
Team Bench Warmers: 345 points — 12th

No. 6 Hassle and Flow (2–2) vs. No. 11 The Money Team (1–3)

The boom-or-bust nature of Pat Hasler’s running backs (Devonta Freeman and Todd Gurley, plus pretty consistent LeGarrette Blount at the flex) is the most exciting part of this matchup. I mean I know he managed his lone win of the season against yours truly, but Brett Falhaber’s team is in shambles. It’s either Tyrod Taylor or the waiver wire at QB this week with Carson Palmer out, plus a bunch of other players on a roster that just could have really benefited from, oh I don’t know, maybe another $17 or so at the auction draft. Oh wait…

The Sam Antics’ LOCK OF THE WEEK prediction: Hassle and Flow

Scoring Stats
Hassle and Flow: 408.5 points — 6th in league
The Money Team: 346 points — 11th

No. 7 No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal (2–2) vs. No. 12 The Go-Hards (0–4)

It’s been “on to No Mean Yeah” for Drew Bontadelli all week as he’s still searching for The Go-Hards’ first win of the season. I’m still having a hard time determining why the goings have been so hard for The Go-Hards, but I guess having the third-highest points against so far doesn’t help much.

David Stearns, Tim DeGrasse and Cris Vasilov are rocking a .500 record, but have actually scored 17 fewer points than Bont so far this season. Part of me wants to go out on a limb and make a bold UPSET OF THE WEEK prediction, but… I just can’t.

The Sam Antics’ prediction: No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal

Scoring Stats
No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal: 368 points — 9th in league
The Go-Hards: 385 points — 8th

No. 9 Dak My Bitch Up (1–2–1) vs. No. 10 Minoriteam Winning (1–3)

New starting QBs all around!

It appears as though the titular Dak Prescott may at last get his first start of the season this week for Nick Boroughf.

NB may not have Dez Bryant suiting up this week to catch passes, but he does have…

The $39 Jordan Reed Tracker

25 receptions, 263 yards, 2 TDs — No. 2 TE

Meanwhile, Clayton Jenkins and Lamar Styles finally have Tom Brady available to them — prompting them to drop Joe Flacco, so if he pops off for yours truly CamCoom knows just who to thank,

Does a No. 10 beating a No. 9 actually count as an upset? Eh, whatever.

The Sam Antics’ UPSET(?) OF THE WEEK: Minoriteam Winning

Scoring Stats
Dak My Bitch Up: 420.5–4th in league
Minoriteam Winning: 356.5–10th

The Sam Antics Prediction Tracker
Last week: 6–0*
Season: 19–5**

*I swear!
**I went 6–0 in Week 1. The dog ate my homework, or something.