The Hamsterdam Herald — The Sam Antics’ Week 5 Quick Hits & Week 6 Predictions

The Hamsterdam Herald is the totally legitimate official media outlet of the borderline legitimate Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League, founded in 2013 and having since grown to 20 members among 12 teams headquartered across the country. I think we still have a website, but I can’t remember the login info. THH has big things popping this season, including The Sam Antics’ weekly Quick Hits and can’t-miss predictions — this week all in one place!

Week 5 of the Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League season may have been the most competitive yet. The largest margin of victory, seen in two matchups, was 16 points — Pat Hasler against Brett Falhaber (The Sam Antics’ LOCK OF THE WEEK) and (miraculously) Brandon Conway and Rookie Biaaatch Caleb Everett against Ryan and Sean Hummer.

Other than those two, the rest of the Week 5 matchups finished with single-digit victory margins — 2.5 points (David Stearns, Tim DeGrasse and Cris Vasilov keeping Drew Bontadelli winless); 4 points (Clayton Jenkins and Lamar Styles with a rare win against nemesis Nick Boroughf); 7.5 points (Zack Coomer and Cam Papp against yours truly — I blame Claymar for dropping Joe “Elite Enough to Get My Offensive Coordinator Fired” Flacco, enticing me away from my original plan of streaming Brian “Anyone Can Pick Apart the Colts Defense” Hoyer during Blake Bortles’ bye, and yup I’m bitter); and 8.5 points (Andrew Prentovic, Travis Thal and Rookie of the Year front runner Kevin Wallace staying unbeaten against Brandon Styles).

Week 5 marked the first time since Week 1 that at least seven teams broke 100 points. The lone double-digit victor, thereby de facto CHEAP WIN OF THE WEEK? Claymar’s Minoriteam Winning (86.5–82.5 against Dak My Bitch Up).

Yours truly choosing Flacco over Hoyer wasn’t the only lineup decision to cost their team a victory in Week 5. Two-time defending champion turned lovable loser Drew Bontadelli could have gotten his first victory of the season against NMYYMA if only he’d have started Tevin Coleman(!) instead of either Lamar Miller or Carlos Hyde. And Brandon Styles, admittedly known for his good looks and not good decisions, could have been the first to knock off Prentothallace (still workshopping three-headed combo nicknames) if only he’d have started Rob “Oh Also Tom Brady’s Back” Gronkowski(!) instead of Kyle Rudolph.

But I suppose we should stop living in the past. Let’s get it, Week 6!

•••

Sure there are NFL games on Thursdays and Mondays, but I’ve dubbed this Week 6 of the HFFL season “Separation Sunday” as each squad has a chance to separate themselves from the rest of or at least one portion of the standings.

No. 1 Ben There Raped That (5–0) vs. No. 2 #SundaySelfies (4–1)

This week’s premiere matchup stumbled out of the gate with underwhelming performances all around during Thursday Night Football — Demaryius Thomas (3.5 points) for #SS, plus Emmanuel Sanders and C.J. Anderson combining for just 14 points for BTRT.

It’s still the week’s most intriguing matchup as Thallaceovic (this nickname is a work in progress, people) could separate themselves even further from the rest of the field should they remain unbeaten with every other team sporting at least two losses, or CamCoom draws even atop the leaderboard to cement themselves as a semi-legit contender.

SCORING STATS
Ben There Raped That: 533.5 points scored — T-3rd in league; 472.5 points against — 2nd-lowest(!) in league
#SundaySelfies: 533.5 points scored — T-3rd in league; 463 points against — LOWEST! in league

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Ben There Raped That

No. 3 Deez Nuts Got ’Em (3–2) vs. No. 10 Dak My Bitch Up (1–3–1)

Boroughf’s squad is like a new team every week. He’s already racked up a league-high 14(!) waiver acquisitions — and he’ll need to make another if a certain tight end isn’t able to play this weekend with somewhere between the fifth and 75th concussion of his NFL career.

Speaking of which, let’s just get right to…

The $39 Jordan Reed Tracker

33 catches, 316 yards, 2 TD, 1(?) concussion — No. 3 TE

With a win, NB could help separate himself away from the bottom of the Hamsterdam barrel. Meanwhile, yours truly is looking to separate from a crop of clearly inferior fellow 3–2 teams.

SCORING STATS
Deez Nuts Got ’Em: 542 points scored — 2nd in league; 522.5 points against — 4th-highest(!) in league
Dak My Bitch Up: 503 points scored — 7th in league; 529 points against — 3rd-highest in league

The Sam Antics’ totally unbiased prediction: Deez Nuts Got ‘Em

No. 4 Hassle and Flow (3–2) vs. No. 7 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win (2–2–1)

Here we have a pair of teams that both have to think they’re better than their (maybe ever-so-slightly above) average at best records would indicate.

B. Styles is banking on the return of Cam Newton from a concussion, otherwise it’s to the waiver wire with bench QB Phillip Rivers having already played this week. Good ‘ole Gronk earning the questionable tag yet again, too — do we have “That Guy” possibility here for B. Styles?!

While the “That Guy” possibility is limited, there’s definitely the possibility for some interesting scoring in this one should Newton want to hook up for some TDs with TE Greg Olsen — sitting comfortably in the Hassle and Flow starting lineup.

SCORING STATS
Hassle and Flow: 515 points scored — 5th in league; 488.5 points against — 5th-lowest in league
4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win: 576.5 points scored — HIGHEST! in league; 502.5 points against — 5th-highest in league

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Hassle and Flow

No. 5 No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal (3–2) vs. No. 6 Team Bench Warmers (3–2)

Well one thing is certain — Conwayleb will for sure make the right call at QB this week after having traded away Drew Brees to ride solo with Ben Roethlisberger (word of advice to college girls and motorcyclists: never ride solo with Ben Roethlisberger).

New assets via trade Willie Snead and Matt Jones are making their Team Bench Warmers debut, and Conwayleb enters the weekend with a 13–0 lead thanks to Thursday kicker Josh Lambo. The Anal Bros. may be countering with a bold strategy at their kicker position — bye-week Blair Walsh still in the starting lineup as of late Friday night/early Saturday morning. Come on fellas.

The Separation Sunday implications in this one are pretty clear — loser stays put in the meddling middle of the standings with a .500 record; winner takes a step in the right direction towards the league’s upper echelon.

SCORING STATS
No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal: 480.5 points scored — 9th in league; 475.5 points against — T-3rd-lowest in league
Team Bench Warmers: 465 points scored — 10th in league; 489 points against — 6th-lowest in league

The Sam Antics’ prediction: No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal

No. 8 Disorderly Conduct (2–3) vs. No. 9 Minoriteam Winning (2–3)

The Hummer Bros. are off to a fantastic start out of the Week 6 gates after starting Antonio Gates (2 points) and benching fellow Chargers TE Hunter Henry (17) Thursday night. Meanwhile, Claymar are off to an equally unimpressive start to Week 6 following Melvin Gordon’s season-low 9 points (“Anything can happen on Thursday!”).

Can the Hummer Bros. come from behind to overcome their early deficit? Oh, you know the Hummer Bros. love coming from behind.

The winner in this matchup of 2–3 teams takes a step towards separating themselves from the “best of the worst” category to the “worst of the OK” section of the standings.

SCORING STATS
Disorderly Conduct: 508 points scored — 6th in league; 587.5 points against — HIGHEST! in league
Minoriteam Winning: 443 points scored — 11th in league; 475.5 points against — T-3rd-lowest in league

The Sam Antics’ LOCK OF THE WEEK (I guess — do I have to have a lock every week?) prediction: Disorderly Conduct

No. 11 The Money Team (1–4) vs. No. 12 The Go-Hards (0–5)

The only separation happening as a result of this matchup is which Nickleback song pulls ahead as the karaoke favorite — I tend to picture Brett as more of a “Photograph” guy, whereas I feel like Bont strikes me more as a “How You Remind Me” purist.

Bretters’ lackluster lineup has taken another injury hit with Theo Riddick out for The Money Team this week, oh and Sammie Coates is questionable. Meanwhile, The Go-Hards get to trot out new toy Drew Brees. If Bont is ever going to get a win this season, this might be his best chance.

SCORING STATS
The Money Team: 436.5 points scored — LOWEST! in league; 495 points against — 6th-highest in league
The Go-Hards: 495 points scored — 8th in league; 531 points against — 2nd-highest in league

The Sam Antics’ UPSET OF THE WEEK prediction: The Go-Hards

The Sam Antics Prediction Tracker
Last Week: 4–2
Season: 23–7*

*I went 6–0 in Week 1. The dog ate my homework, or something.