The Hamsterdam Herald — The Sam Antics’ Week 9 Predictions Out For Hummer

The Hamsterdam Herald is the totally legitimate official media outlet of the borderline legitimate Hamsterdam Fantasy Football League, founded in 2013 and having since grown to 20 members among 12 teams headquartered across the country. I think we still have a website, but I can’t remember the login info. THH has big things popping this season, including The Sam Antics’ weekly can’t-miss predictions — still without a sub-.500 week!

Short and sweet this week, as I’ve still got to pack and prepare for joining my fellow Hamsterdonians at the wedding celebrations for our own Ryan Hummer (#DicksOutForHummer).


No. 1 Ben There Raped That (7–1) vs. No. 7 Minoriteam Winning (4–4)

They survived four weeks without Tom Brady to begin the year, but now Clayton Jenkins and Lamar Styles are turning to… Ryan Fitzpatrick(?) on Brady’s bye week. They also legitimately might not have a healthy, non-bye week flex option on the roster as of Saturday morning.

Andrew Prentovic, Travis Thal and Kevin Wallace might not have a healthy, non-bye week tight end on their roster — there’s got to be at least one Green Bay Packer out there they don’t already own, right?

SCORING STATS
Ben There Rape That: 830 points scored (4th in league); 724 points against (LOWEST! in league)
Minoriteam Winning: 782 points scored (7th in league); 745.5 points against (4th-lowest in league)

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Ben There Raped That


No. 2 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win (5–2–1) vs. No. 12 The Money Team (2–6)

Oh boy.

Arian Foster would rather retire. Jamaal Charles would rather have another knee surgery. The “All-Stars of 2010” running back duo have come up with elaborate excuses to avoid further playing for Brett Falhaber’s The Money Team squad, and now three other consistent starters are using byes to avoid suiting up for this dumpster fire of a fantasy franchise.

Maybe Tyrod Taylor (131 points this season, 16.4 points per game — QB No. 10) will finally get a shot in the starting lineup over bye week-ed Carson Palmer (103 points, 12.9 ppg — QB No. 17).

Meanwhile, Brandon Styles is just straight out here crushing it. “Rob Gronkowski (75 points, 9.4 ppg — TE No. 4) on a bye? Fuck it, I’ll just throw in Kyle Rudolph (63.5 points, 9.1 ppg — TE No. 9).”

#FunFact: B. Styles has outscored Bretters by an average of 33 points per week this season.

SCORING STATS
4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win: 913 points scored (HIGHEST! in league by 61 points!); 772 points against (5th-lowest in league)
The Money Team: 649 points scored (LOWEST! in league by 64 points!); 775.5 points against (6th-lowest in league)

The Sam Antics’ STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK: 4 Da (Fuckin’!) Win


No. 3 Deez Nuts Got ’Em (5–3) vs. No. 9 Team Bench Warmers (3–5)

After Antone Smith’s Thursday Night Football “performance” — AKA “3.5 points and a season-ending injury,” Brandon Conway and Rookie Biaaatch Caleb Everett are now the proud owners of THREE Tampa Bay running backs out with serious injuries. Only Conwayleb.

Yours truly is just hoping the Blake Bortles Garbage Time Bandwagon Express keeps chugging along… Legitimately a terrifying hope to rely on.

SCORING STATS
Deez Nuts Got ’Em: 852 points scored (2nd in league); 818.5 points against (3rd-highest(!) in league)
Team Bench Warmers: 713 points scored (11th in league); 804.5 points against (4th-highest in league)

The Sam Antics’ totally unbiased prediction: Deez Nuts Got ‘Em


No. 4 #SundaySelfies (5–3) vs. No. 5 No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal (5–3)

Early contender for Game of the Week right here. That is, as long as David Stearns, Timmy DeGrasse and Cris Vasilov can field healthy (and competent) wide receivers. And what wrong decisions will Zack Coomer and Cam Papp make this week? Always exciting to watch.

Who is Coomer more of a proud father for — little Otis Coomer, or Matt Ryan? Otis mostly just sleeps and shits. Matty Ice is out here throwing for 27 fantasy points on Thursday night. It’s a toss-up.

SCORING STATS
#SundaySelfies: 778 points scored (8th in league); 743 points against (3rd-lowest(!) in league)
No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal: 754 points scored (10th in league); 738 points against (2nd-lowest(!) in league)

The Sam Antics’ Prediction: #SundaySelfies


No. 6 Hassle and Flow (4–4) vs. No. 8 Disorderly Conduct (3–5)

OK yeah sure Pat Hasler decent team under-performing blah blah yadda yadda, what really matters is all the questions I have about Ryan (and Sean I guess but not really) Hummer.

How much fantasy football work you think Ryan’s put in this week leading up to the wedding? How about Sunday, how much football does this then-newly married man get to watch? How many times do he and Julia do it Saturday night? Over/under set at 15, any takers?

SCORING STATS
Hassle and Flow: 784 points scored (6th in league); 777 points against (6th-highest in league)
Disorderly Conduct: 764 points scored (9th in league); 930.5 points against (HIGHEST! in league by 107.5 points);

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Hassle and Flow


No. 10 Return of the Dak (2–5–1) vs. No. 11 The Go-Hards (2–6)

This was shaping up to be an “exciting” matchup between two of the bottom three teams in the standings. Then the artist formerly known as Dak My Bitch Up had to have Mike Evans (32.5 points) and Julio Jones (21) pop off on Thursday night and it feels like the drama is lost as Nick Boroughf is off to a huge 56.5-point lead entering the weekend. The tough luck just continues for two-time defending champion Drew Bontadelli, who also as of Saturday morning does not yet have an active tight end for the week.

Thanks to injuries, we’ve sadly gotten used to seeing NB’s lineup not include a certain special tight end over the course of this season, but this week it’s because of a bye. Still, the dude is crushing it, so here’s this…

The $39 Jordan Reed Tracker

42 catches, 415 yards, 3 TDs, 1 concussion, 78 fantasy points — 2nd among TEs

SCORING STATS
Return of the Dak: 788.5 points scored (5th in league); 823 points against (2nd-highest in league)
The Go-Hards: 835 points scored (3rd(!) in league); 791 points against (5th-highest in league)

The Sam Antics’ prediction: Return of the Dak

The Sam Antics Prediction Tracker
Last Week: 3–3
Season: 33–15*

*I went 6–0 in Week 1. The dog ate my homework, or something.