A Bald Sheep
Each time I shave my head, I have two overwhelming feelings all at once: liberation and self-consciousness.
The only way I can describe it is bittersweet. When my hair begins to fall out, it’s like living in a world where there is something looming over my head (quite literally, in fact) that I simply cannot overcome. It feels like I am wearing a t-shirt that says, “Ask me about the massive bald spot on my head.”
So, each time I shave, I am so incredibly relieved because just like that, I can once again do things such as walk around outside on a windy day without a care in the world! It’s great.
That feeling of liberation is like a high that I can live on all day. Until I look in the mirror, that is. I see my head that seems so disproportionately small compared to the rest of my body. Like I’m a reverse alien or something. I see every bump, every crevice, every imperfection of my puny little head. I usually laugh and remark on the comical glow my bright white scalp seems to shout at everyone around me.
That’s when self-consciousness begins to knock on the door of my brain.
If you know me, you know I am the queen of bald jokes. I would much rather you laugh with me about my absence of hair than you feel sorry for me. But it’s difficult for me to make jokes those first few days. All I can see is this weirdo staring back at me in the mirror. I don’t recognize her… or whatever THAT is. Let me tell you: the pity parties I throw for myself are doozies.
So there I am with a strong feeling of liberation that is quickly clouded by my own self-consciousness. It’s raw. It’s tough. It’s not pretty. Sometimes I even stuff it down like it’s not a big deal.
And in the midst of all of that, one of God’s greatest gifts to me opens his mouth to speak: My husband. On Sunday, with clippers in hand, he said, “Remember the first time I told you I loved you?”
My memory raced back to a scene at my parent’s house about two months into our relationship. Right before he shaved my head, he told me he loved me for the first time. Man, I knew I had something special.
Sunday was a similar scene, only we are now two years married (next week, that is) and a little less dramatic. We turned on a tv show, sat my chair in the front room, and he shaved what was left of my pathetic hair. Nothing special. Just me and my favorite person talking and laughing like it was a normal day.
You can bet those same feelings of liberation and self-consciousness welled up just like they always do. But in just a few words, my Jed pulled me out of my pity party and reminded me of something so much bigger than my hair: his unconditional love for me.
Today as I am writing this, one of my favorite passages of scripture has been bouncing around my head. It’s a passage that I often recite when I am afraid or anxious. You probably know it yourself. Psalm 23.
“The Lord is my Shephard.
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
There is a good Shephard who offers me — the one sheep He left the 99 to go find — a safe place, a warm embrace, and the hope of an eternal home with Him. Even bigger than my husband’s unconditional love for me is a Savior who restores my soul and calls me to walk alongside Him during the darkest seasons of life.
As we are entering a season of Thanksgiving next week, take a moment to stop and think about what’s really important in this life. Spoiler: It’s not your hair. It’s not your body. It’s not your self-image.
What’s really important is what you do with this good Shephard. Do you know the One who can lift your head high? Do you know the One who can provide peace amidst uncertainty? Do you know the One who can save you? He can cause your cup to overflow and sustain you through each season of life.
Even a season of being a bald sheep.
