Healing.

He held me close as I snuggled up against him. His gentle kisses on my forehead warmed me. He carefully traced the outline of my brows and gently ran his fingers over my ears, “You have cute ears.” And then he held me tenderly against his slow rising chest. I closed my eyes and smiled, I love him…
OK. Pause. Let’s back up here… that sweet moment was between me and a guy I had met three weeks prior to this “tender” moment. Suffice to say, we only dated three more weeks when my feelings were too overwhelming for him. Loser.
I won’t even sugarcoat it, I am a hopeless romantic and want so badly to be loved, adored, appreciated. All the things anyone would love to feel. I am that sad-looking puppy waiting to get some belly scratches. Watch me! I can twirl on my hind legs, treat? Love? This fault of mine has led me to have the most broken hearts of anyone in the world! OK. Maybe an exaggeration, BUT! That’s just how passionately I feel, you guys!
I have fallen in love with countless men and I can’t help it. Each one has taught me something and I learn every time what I want and don’t want. If only I could piece together all those qualities and make the perfect man for me. I believe he’s out there passionately writing me love letters and waiting for me to say “I love you” on the third date.
I digress.. sadly the moments with these men I have dated since my split from R are indicative of my relationship with R and the trauma it created for me, along with major insecurities. In my marriage, I was always vying for his attention. I never felt loved, appreciated, and he never cared for me the way I did for him.
After this last experience where I dared to open up more than usual to a man I thought would be the thoughtful partner I needed, I am choosing to pause. I realize I need to work on myself instead of searching for that validation, happiness, and approval from men. I need to find it in myself first. I need to accept myself. Make myself happy. Reflect on everything I have done and how far I have come and be proud of who I have become.
Tomorrow, Monday, Nov. 4, I am starting somewhat of a weight-loss journey but it’s also more of a sense of accountability and seeing a project through from beginning to end. I am already doubting myself and thinking I’ll give it a few weeks and quit but I can’t do that. I need to do something for myself and discover parts of me that I have lost in my marriage, parenting, and most recently in jobs where I am not valued — giving me the same insecurities I felt in my marriage. (I will elaborate more on this one later because all these variables add or subtract to your overall well-being!)
I have managed so many projects in the work that I do, it’s time I manage my life and get my shit together wholly from my mind, my body and my soul. You can follow my path and cheer me along or laugh with me when things go awry on Instagram @happy.healthy.healed.
