OK, It’s Time for a New Media Strategy

The Real Jim Shady
HOLY SHIT!!!!! This Incompetent Fuck-up has your babies!!!!

Start Every Piece you Write by Saying that Trump’s a Dangerously Incompetent Fuck-Up

Let me be clear at the outset because you might be pissed off at me by the end of this piece. That’s why I want to say here and now that I believe Donald Trump to be THE racist, fascist, misogynist, money-hording, grotesque tumor on white America’s withered, shriveled, increasingly useless old-man wang. He’s a vile, authoritarian shit-stain. Is that clear enough? Good.

Now, let’s move on because, you know, I’ve been saying stuff like that about Trump and his crowd of Breitbart circle jerk bromancers for years. While a lot of people have begun to agree with me, far too many Americans still don’t. Why do some people disagree? The answer’s actually kinda simple: raising the alarm about a racist, fascist, misogynist white guy neither convinces nor frightens them. The standard lefty logic in this case might be to say that Trump’s supporters — many of whom come from working-class white communities — feel threatened. They also feel like Trump, the paranoid, white defense-mechanism-aholic, will fight tooth and nail to protect them and their beliefs.

I know, right!? The male white supremacist system that fucked everyone over for nearly 500 years in the Western Hemisphere alone feels threatened. My initial response is to say: So the fuck what? BOO-FUCKING-HOO, whiners! You miserable, disease-bringing, slavery-loving asshats deserve to feel threatened!

BUT you know, that kinda response, which I’ve delivered at length here and here, accomplishes jack-shit (who is jack, btw, and why is his shit so utterly useless?) Sure, I still wanna toss that whole Republican bag of dicks congress into the Atlantic Ocean. I wanna exile authoritarian, anti-pluralistic voices from the Republic, but that’s not gonna happen, and shit has to get done! I mean, lives and livelihoods are on the line. Peace and global warming are on the line. A woman’s right to choose is on the line. And, btw, black lives really do matter, and those lives are endangered every damn day in ways that my milky white, traffic-ticket avoiding, red-light running ass never will be.

So, what’s to be done? Hold on to your bowlers, bonnets and buttplugs my lefty friends because it’s time we get practical, here. If the intractable Republican cocksplats keep clenching their collective ass and covering their ears every time someone says racism or fascism or misogyny, how can any of those intractables be convinced to listen? BECAUSE You know what? We gotta make some of them listen. Convincing a few of them might just help to turn the tide against Adolph Twittler and his armies of pasty, soulless, power-mad sphincter-men.

Wait a minute, Shady! Isn’t trying to convince the bad guys to side with you just capitulating to conservatism? No. It’s not. Why? The great anti-Fascist, Mussolini-hating Italian thinker and genuinely badass mother fucker, Antonio Gramsci, has the perfect answer for you. He called it “the concept of Hegemony.” Yeah. I know that all you liberals hear the word and think, “Whoa! Hegemony’s bad. Evil people and dictators use hegemony to oppress the weak, right?” OMG, liberals! Read some damn books instead of hate-surfing the internet for a change! Hegemony doesn’t mean badness! It doesn’t mean oppression. It’s a complex idea, yo. For Gramsci, Hegemony means “building consensus” (sometimes that gets translated as “the predominance of consensus”). As Gramsci scholar Valeriano Ramos explains,

First of all, [the concept] presupposes that the “hegemonic class” takes into consideration the interests of the classes and groups over which it exercises its “hegemony.”

SO, What exactly does all that intellectual bullshit mean? Simply put, it means that you’ve got to fucking convince a whole lotta people to side with you if you wanna win an ideological or a political argument? You see! I told you that Gramsci was a smart, courageous mother fucker. More importantly in this case, he’s 100 percent, balls-out right! Building consensus sometimes involves figuring out how to convince precisely those people whom you’d love to see impoverished, imprisoned, and generally fucked over for their continued commitments to racism, fascism, and all the shitty isms that go with white privilege and culture. Now, let me be crystal clear on this : I don’t like convincing people to agree with me. In fact, I totally suck at it. I’m more of a rousing-the-rabble, preaching to the atheistic choir as they hold hands and sing “Highway to Hell” type-of-guy. BUT, it’s time to change strategies.

Is building consensus selling out? No. It’s not. Dig this, peeps: the right-wing plays a zero-sum game with our nation. As long as conservative whites win, the Republicans really don’t give a flying fucking shit how vile, dictatorial, and craven their leader is. So, I’m not suggesting capitulating or selling out. I’m suggesting something else, entirely. I suggest we win! Do you want to win? Then I suggest you start by asking yourself: “what kind of straightforward argument or simple meme can build consensus and block Trump’s horrendous agenda?”

Here’s where a more practical approach gets interesting. You’ve doubtless noticed that Trump’s recent approval poll numbers are hovering in the mid-30s? Those numbers are as bad as Post-Katrina W’s LOWEST poll numbers and LOWER than any of Obama’s numbers. Why has Trump sunk so low? Is it because he’s a racist douche who views women as objects, hates Islam and immigrants and — well — all brown people everywhere? Guess again!

You see, that big part of the country that voted for him now believes that Trump fucked up, that he failed to fulfill his vow to ‘repeal and replace’ Obamacare. (Admittedly, that ‘big part of the country’ comprises a lot of bitter, angry, rabidly thoughtless white people who — in a move that defies a good deal of historical and fiscal logic — feel like all the goodies and treats in our country go to the LGBTQ community or the African-American community or the various Immigrant communities, but WTF can you do?) My point is this: the same group that stood behind Trump and chanted shit like “Lock her up,” and “Trump the bitch” whenever they caught a glimpse of Hillary Clinton, feels like the way that Trump handled the healthcare repeal stunk like a sack of raging skunk ass. They fear he’s dangerously incompetent, and they’re angry about it. NOW, THAT should be the next big media meme about Trump. Stop the presses and repeat right the fuck after me. Trump’s an incompetent fuck-up. Trump’s an incompetent fuck-up.

But Shady, why should we focus on the man’s incompetence when he’s such an obviously amoral, totalitarian, racist, pig-rimming, enema of a human being? Because the argument that holds that Donald J. Trump has always destroyed his allies or hurt those with whom he sided might convince even some of worst human beings in the world to turn against him. That’s fucking why!

Look, I might have small hands, but I have a HUGE bottle

The logic is simple and the internet and media memes that follow should be simple, too. We need to repeat a singular message: When Trump re-brands something, he kills the shit out of it. Examples abound everywhere. Drinks America partnered with Trump and branded one of its high-end products Trump Superior Premium Vodka. (I know, right?! Why not just name it I Promise that Once You Drink Enough of This It’ll Seem Like I Have Monster-Sized Cock Vodka.) You know what happened to Trump Superior Premium Vodka? It sucked copious amounts of superior premium ass! In 2011 Drinks America had to stop producing the vodka here in the US because it wasn’t selling. So wait a damn second there, fireball! Did you get that? Trump made a deal with a company, the company lost a shitload of money, and the brand tanked. Donald Trump couldn’t even use his status as a billionaire playboy to convince people to get drunk? What in the actual fuck, yo? Only an incompetent fuck-up of the highest order could fail to persuade people to drink.

I promise that there are no human remains in Trump steaks — because i ate all the humans myself.

AND how did Trump Steaks, Herr Twittler’s 2007 deal to re-brand Buckhead Beef products under his own name fare? As of April 2016 the steaks were such a colossal-ass failure that you can no longer find them in stores. So the story should be clear and the media strategy should be, as well: Trump’s being on your side is as good as a death sentence. If he fights for you, you’re about as shit-outta-luck as a poverty-stricken, mentally disabled man on death row in Texas.

The proof of all of this is even in the legislative pudding. When Healthcare was re-branded as Trumpcare, it died an uglier, quicker, more humiliating death than Russell Brand’s film career. Trump failed to get his party — which, let’s recall holds significant majorities in both the House AND the Senate — to support him and to keep his promise.

YOU GET THAT, peeps? If Trump is on your side on any issue or in any undertaking, you’re about to get fucked with a dick so big it would injure a humpback whale (calm the hell down. I’m obviously NOT talking about Trump’s micro-dingus. The dick in question here is entirely metaphorical.)

So — we decent humane liberal people have been saying things like “we must protect a woman’s right to choose.” We’re right, of course, but we also need to say: If Trump is on your side on the abortion thing, you know he’s just gonna fuck it up. It’ll be like Trumpcare or Trump Vodka or Trump University or Trump Steaks. By the time Donald Trump has finished helping you end abortion, there will be toothless, pale, Willem Dafoe looking mother fuckers holding mallets and body-bags standing at the end of every birth-canal in the damned country. We’ve been saying that we need to protect immigrant rights, and of course we fucking should! But we also need to say that by the time Donald Trump has finished fighting terrorism, we’re all gonna have squads of suicide bombers camped out on our front fucking lawns day and night.

It’s simple, my friends. Yes, Trump’s a vile, fascist pig. Yes, I’d like to see him spend the rest of his miserable, bloated life in a 6x6 foot prison cell. Yes, he probably conspired with Russia. Yes, he’s probably a traitor, and he’s certainly Vladimir Putin’s piss boy. But you know what? I really want to stop Trump. I really want to remove him from power. I really want to find a way to build a strong consensus that can derail his runaway, right-wing shit-train. That means I can’t worry so much about ‘proving I’m right’ or ‘holding the moral high ground’ because it makes me feel all ethical and shit. That means that from now on, I’ll need to focus on how poorly Trump does his job, on how many lives and industries and communities he fucks up, on how many American interests are hurt by his obnoxiously incurious vanity, on how people all over the country suffer because the guy couldn’t help his allies or make a decent deal to save his damn life. And I’ll also focus on how this incompetent dipshit can’t build consensus, on how he can’t convince anyone who disagrees with him to consider his point of view. So, Just remember the mantra and recite it online and to any of the conservatives you know: Trump’s a loser and a fuck-up, and if he tries to help you, you’re boned.

Keep fighting and find pleasure wherever and whenever you can.

The Real Jim Shady

Written by

I am a pop-culture fanatic, a thinker who philosophizes with a big, scary hammer, and a master of profane erudition. When they go low, I go lower!

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