Awake, Alone

I woke up an hour ago.

Nightmare spattered sleeplessness fueled by insomnia and anxiety brought on memories of being isolated and very much alone. Current feelings… puzzle piece… overlayed… sad match the memories.

Ethereal friendship, friends afar, friends I’ve met once or never all of these are one thing.

But to be cut off in real life is inexplicably painful. I feel alone. I am alone. Tonight I hear the fan whiring, the dogs snoring, the cars rumble by the road. The world is teaming but I am alone.

I remember this feeling from highschool. The feeling of being socially outcast, of being one of something but not with something.

I remember this feeling from being a chef in a one person kitchen. The feeling of being in the same space as others but being alone because even though you are with them you are obviously not one of them.

It's a crippling feeling to be this alone to experience isolation, I've felt it much in my life and I had hoped that was over. I know these feelings well.

I remember these feelings from when I exited. I remember the feeling of being with the world but no longer of the world because inside I'd died a long time ago. I seek refuge online, in books, in writing... But mostly in my own head. My mother once teased me for talking to myself, she did not realize I was listening to myself. Becoming your own friend is difficult when you naturally feel so ambivalent towards wether you make it or you don't. And suddenly you realize if you don't you'll have no one to listen to, because you're listening to yourself.

I hoped those feelings of alone-ness of passed over-ness of deficiency and of heavy sadness which feels invalid through the simple fact it is unacknowledged would never be a part of my life again.

But I woke up. Tonight I woke up.