Prince Harry wants to go to university. But where should he study?
He’s fifth in line to the throne, he’s tall and athletic, he knows how to sink a pint and get loose. Prince Harry is everyone’s favourite Royal for good reason.
Being actual fun means that Harry wasn’t so hot when it came to education. He left Eton with two A-Levels — a B in Art and a D in Geography. These came after he took the difficult decision to drop History of Art after his AS Levels.
After that Harry took a gap year in Australia and Lesotho, and you could argue that he’s been on one ever since, bar the few hundred days in he spent in Afghanistan flying an Apache helicopter gunship over the heads of terrified peasants.
Now the Prince wants to go to university, more specifically to Yale to study Law. But we all know that’s bullshit. If Hazza is studying anywhere it’s the UK. We’ve tried to figure out where he’d fit in best.
We’re going to immediately dismiss this one because his brother went there. We all know that going to the same uni as your sibling, even if it’s a good fit, is just plain weird. Don’t @ me on this. I know I’m right.
Birmingham is nice I guess. Lovely campus and all that. Good nights at the union I hear. Birmingham is in the middle of the country and it suits being in the middle. The uni reflects that. It’s just sort of there, a bit above average, a bit less than spectacular. Prince Harry has travelled the world, prosecuted a war from the seat of a high-tech killing machine and he has a mate called Thomas van Straubenzee. He is literally too much for Brum.
Whisper it but I think Prince Harry might be perfect for Bristol. Hear me out. Bristol is a hive of posh boys running away from their trust funds, their horrific boarding schools and their futures doing exactly the same thing as their fathers. Is Harry not ticking every single one of those boxes with a massive, fuck off red cross? Let’s parachute him into Churchill, give him the number of a good dealer and find out what happens. My bet is that his brain won’t be able to produce a single drop of serotonin by third year.
Cambridge has form with grads doing seriously offensive things. Sacha Baron Cohen invented Borat. Just ask someone from Ireland what they think of Oliver Cromwell. Harry’s incredibly rogue decision to turn up to a fancy dress party dressed offensively suggests he’d fit in pretty well at Cambridge. Well, at least until he triggers every single Stepford Student on campus for playing strip billiards at one of their bops.
Prince Harry was the honorary president of English Rugby in 2015. I’m sure that and pictures like this will endear him to the locals:
Hazza was packed off to Ludgrove boarding school at the actually kinda sad why would you do that to a little tiny human person age of seven back in 1992. Then again being stuck in a posh, cold, claustrophobic world is the perfect prep for a three year stint in Durham isn’t it?
Harry looks great in a kilt. Let’s put Edinburgh on the maybe pile.
Harry learned to ride a Shetland pony in the womb so he’ll fit in with all the girls you’ve ever met from Exeter who learned how to ride a horse at about the same time.
Here’s a list of the Prince’s favourite London nightspots: Boujis, The Box and Mahiki. A table at The Box starts at £200 per person. Hull’s best club is called Welly.
It’s not going to happen is it?
I was going to tell you Harry that Leeds, glorious Leeds, would be your best choice. You could bomb out, necking tinnies outside your Hyde Park dump and think about how similar the vibe is to Helmand Province. You could get ready to throw on another fantastically inappropriate Nazi costume before another epic Otley Run.
But you know what? You’ve already got Leeds out of your system haven’t you. Both of Harry’s major long-term girlfriends, other than the British Army of course, went to Leeds. Cressida Bonas and Chelsy Davy are both ex-Leeds students and both ex-Prince Harry daters. You’ve probably had enough of the place.
The Prince’s favourite film is the 1964 classic Zulu. It’s a film about a battle in the Anglo-Zulu War in South Africa in 1879. But I’m not really selling it to you. Basically it’s a film about some posh British guys in uniform getting swarmed by thousands and thousands of people. If Harry rocks up at Liverpool something similar will happen, he’ll turn up in Chibuku and Waxxx or wherever, and a thousand girls with big hair who can’t keep their cool will attempt to overwhelm his defences. And to be fair, most of them will be from JMU.
Harry allegedly smoked his first blunt when he was the tender age of 17, something that he probably shares in common with the people who light up Fallowfield house parties every weekend. Still, I’m not sure about Royals in the north. Manchester gave us Morrissey and the Peterloo Massacre, it all feels too chippy for Harry to be comfortable there.
Posh, frequently hammered and a damn good time: these are the people who go to Newcastle. They could be Prince Harry. And it’s not like you need great grades to get in.
Harry is too much for Nottingham to handle. More on this when we get to Trent.
If they’re fucked off about Cecil Rhodes, what the hell are they going to make of Prince Harry, a walking, talking, uniformed reminder of the fact that Britain used to sail over to other countries, point a huuuuuuuuuge cannon at the natives and demand they hand over all their valuable spices? Hint: they’re not going to like it.
Queen’s University Belfast
You know what they love in Belfast? People who’ve been in the British Army.
I’ve been thinking about this one my dear Prince, and low key voice: it might work. There are fucking loads of girls at Ro Ho. Loads of ’em. And in my experience they’re both safe and fit and fun. Yeah, maybe, the nightclub there where you can buy toast is kinda lame but you do like girls. Take home point: there are lots of girls at Royal Holloway. Also: it’s called Royal Holloway and you know, you’re a royal, you do the maths.
Mate, if you want to totally bomb the fuck out go to East Slope, they’ll look after you. They’ll probably also get you really into LSD, so it’s a high risk, high reward situation.
Imagine the fifth in line to the throne ripping his shirt off and whirling it wildly around his head as the Baywatch theme tune pounds out of Ocean’s speakers. Imagine five thousand people doing it with him. Imagine it.
Did you know that (and this isn’t actually a fact, it’s something I read on the internet somewhere but whatever, let’s treat it as a fact) Kate Middleton’s parents find Harry’s manner rude. His banterous unconventionality means they aren’t crazy about him. York is essentially a city and a university in the image of the Middleton’s. It’s polite, it has tea rooms. The best club, now closed, was also a Chinese restaurant. Tame.
written by will lloyd
Originally published at thetab.com on March 16, 2016.