Dear Mr. Dick Les Twaddle,

You tell me you don’t have any interests because interests require money. You tell me you wish you were rich so that you could have hobbies. You tell me (unprompted) you would buy me a drink except you’re saving your money. You tell me you don’t like the restaurant I picked for our first date. You tell me other people are responsible for making you feel inferior. You tell me you don’t have any friends and it’s because of them, not you. You tell me you’ve never been in a relationship for longer than six months. You tell me all your problems in life are because of someone else. You tell me, twice in one night, that you don’t want to hear what I have to say. You tell me I don’t get to have an opinion on a topic that you assume I know nothing about. You tell me I need a lesson in tact. You tell me you’re not rude, you’re just honest and your honesty is a virtue. You tell me I have a chip on my shoulder. You tell me any issue I’m having with you is just me projecting the issues I have with myself.

Look, Dick. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll show you how I fart glitter if you show me how you shit through your mouth. I mean, really. Money is not your problem. Circumstances are not your problem. Other people are not your problem. And I’m not going to make assumptions about the size of your penis as though it somehow correlates to your utter lack of likability. No. What your problem is, is you. Only you. And all the money in the world couldn’t fix your problem. All the power in the world couldn’t fix your problem. All the women in the world couldn’t fix your problem (and frankly we’d probably just make it our priority to watch you suffer). Your problem isn’t that your mother didn’t love you enough or that your father never taught you how to play fetch. It’s you, my darling Dick.

It’s okay that I don’t like you. And it’s okay that you don’t like me. Not everyone will in life. We all have our issues. We all have our pride. We all have our insecurities that we fight to overcome. And we all have mistakes to be made and lessons to learn from.

But you? You’re just a fucking prick.