dear self, I wish you knew;

All the abandoned cabins full of dreams, hopes and bucket lists in the depth of my head, bruisings and scars on my body, on what used to be my quivering heart, all the unwatered seeds of what could’ve bloomed, the rotten chemicals like forsaken corpses of war heroes and criminals soaking in my blood, making me worse-better-worse-better-worse in a never ending loop, ugly white lies I tell you, and everybody, ugly black truths that I never admit, and what’s left of the crippled feelings that once ran between my heart and my brain, none of it, none, I had control over, and I hope we can survive it — not.