Broken

“I don’t want to be a broken woman!” I exclaimed before I burst into tears (trust these tears to be accompanied by catarrh, can’t I just remain pretty whilst I cry? 🙄)

He tried to comfort and reassure me by stating that he would never step out on our relationship.

I sniffed and opened the glove compartment of his car, ravaged through it for tissue paper to salvage what was left of my fine girl. My make up was already runny.

I dabbed at my tear-stained face and whimpered a bit. His words had done just a little to quell my fear. In the days preceding my emotional breakdown, a series of questionable events had occurred which had sown a seed of doubt in my heart.

Before those events, I had absolutely trusted him and never allowed my head to accommodate the thought of any infidelity towards me.

You see, I am currently in a long distance relationship which was mostly beautiful till it became a mixture of beauty and pain.

I returned home and tried to continue with life as I knew it. However, I couldn’t shake off the sinking feeling that had managed to take up residence in the pit of my stomach.

One evening, I stumbled upon a piece of information that made me believe that there had been a breach of trust.

I proceeded to reach out for more information, my worst fear was confirmed.

A breach had occurred!

My first reaction was to laugh, a sad and bitter type of laughter. I felt like I had just been told a bad joke which left a sour taste in my mouth.

My second reaction was to to flee. I felt like the room was closing up on me, I had an extremely strong urge to be surrounded by family. So I booked the next available flight to the city where all my close family members were (he lives in the same city).

When the plane landed, my first destination was his house. I knew he was out of town and I had his spare key, so I took a cab to his house to drop off the engagement ring he had given me and pick up a few things.

Then I headed to my family house where I was welcomed with warm comforting hands, that was all I needed at that moment. Their love was sufficient.

After I had a moment to catch my breath, I proceeded to recount my findings to my family members. Their responses varied from “that’s how men are” to “wow! That’s disgusting” to “know that you are allowed to react however you feel like.” I was filled with a myriad of emotions.

The following days were filled with drama and sprinkles of chaos.

We have resumed our wedding plans because I am still absolutely in love with him or am I? Can you still love someone you don’t completely trust?

I think so but I don’t think it can be the same undiluted naive love.

I think i now love him in a way I never knew existed; a love with caution and occasional fear of the unknown. A love where you can no longer give your all because you feel the need to protect your heart and sanity, trying to ensure that you aren’t completely shattered in the event of a recurrence.

He found a way to break me and destroy my naivety. Now all I’m left with is barely alive trust and series of out of the blues triggers.

I miss the pure love that I once had for him but I’m choosing to heal and be at peace with this new love.

Will I ever be able to trust him again? I sincerely hope so.