Knowing your parts, with their respective strengths and weaknesses, gets you closer to freedom
Disclosing the meanings of names.
In my earlier years as a Seeker of Truth, I worked with my body and I trained my mind, because I longed for peace and I wanted to escape my fears. Later on, there was a different quality to my search: I was driven to find answers to specific questions.
“If I have a God-like essence, a Divine True-self, where is that unchangeable, unshakable core in me?”
“If it is the truth that Life chose to manifest through the human being I am now, what does it mean then to live well?”
Throughout my search, I discovered my parts. I will disclose them as I share with you the origin of my method’s name. I didn’t realize that it was important explaining why “The 3M System” is called this way, but I learned that names are important and people care about their meanings. So I dedicate this article to disclosing the meanings of names.
I’ll begin with Melinda. My first name is known in Hungary and the USA. Bill Gates’ ex-wife is probably the most famous Melinda. I have it thanks to my mother. She actually fought for it against my grandmother from my father’s side who counted as the most influential elder and wanted to name me “Star”. My mother’s insistence to give me this name came from her overwhelming admiration for the heroin of an opera tragedy “Bánk Bán”. Melinda was the wife of the deputy of King Endre II of Hungary, a beautiful and virtuous woman. Her purity was her strength and her weakness. She was coveted by many and wrongfully accused of unfaithfulness. Following a series of intricacies, she became the victim of deceit and eventually she committed suicide by drowning. This is the name that my mother insisted I must have. So I started out in life with a heavy backpack loaded with longings for recognition and dangers of victimization.
My family name, Asztalos, is the Hungarian translation of “Carpenter”. Beside a legacy of pride and strong individuality conferred by my father’s family, I like to associate this name with Jesus’ family business. I see it as a physical expression of my millennial connection to Jesus. The synopsis of my book (pinned to my profile) entices with a story about my previous life as a hermit Christian monk. In my current life however, I seek essential truth underneath religion. That’s why after getting into two types of Christianity, on November 5, 1999 I’ve become a Buddhist as well. With that initiation, I got 3 more names. The Lama recognized me as a female embodiment of enlightened energy and I was called Karma Pema Khandro, translated Destiny Lotus Dakini. Destiny is self-explanatory, Lotus means the absolute feminine, and Dakini means Tantric deity.
With 5 names for myself, I naturally gave some consideration to naming my method of consciousness development “The 3M System”. I just wasn’t keen on publicly sharing all the background information. However, I understood that names and definitions are important. We may not get stuck in them, just as we may not get overly attached to concepts; however, we may acknowledge their importance for clarity purposes.
The meaning of my method’s name has a surface explanation and another in-depth. First, the initials of Melinda’s Mindful Movement are 3 M’s, so that’s simple. The deeper meaning of “The 3M System” is what I wasn’t keen on sharing because it discloses my parts. Throughout my search into self-understanding, I discovered that the human being I am in this lifetime features 3 different Melinda’s and none of them represents my True-self. Hence, the choice for the word “system” when naming my method. According to the dictionary, a system is “an interconnecting network, or a complex whole”. And that’s exactly what I understand my human self to be: an interconnected network of 3 M-parts, with body, mind, personality, ego, conditionings, strengths and weaknesses, and a True-self that cannot really be located. Together these form a complex whole: the human being I am now.
Disclosing my parts feels like stripping naked but, instead of revealing my physical body, I am revealing my mental and emotional inner self. The ego is of course included in each reveal.
May my sharing inspire you with the intensity I feel as I dissect the human being who I am and reveal all my naked parts for you to see. May this reveal enable and encourage you to venture into your own dissection, and may you thoroughly enjoy it, knowing that the point of this analysis is actually a synthesis. I take myself apart, so I can put myself back together again, in a more honest, accepting and loving way.
The ultimate goal of “The 3M System” is to support authentic living. The following dissection, analysis and synthesis are important stations on that road.
I will refer to the 3 Melinda’s I discovered within me as my three M-parts. They are all female, although my “scientist-self” often gets mistaken as a manifestation of male energy.
The “scientist-self” is the first M-part and I call it the Amelia Earhart piece. Amelia Earhart is likely the world’s most celebrated aviator and the first woman who flew solo over the Atlantic Ocean in 1932. Her international fame improved public acceptance of aviation and she was an enormous inspiration to women, encouraging them to both expand their horizons and to pursue their passions, especially in flying.
In me, she represents the fearless explorer, the progressive thinker, the revolutionary who dares to experiment in order to prove the validity of her dreams. Amelia’s fearlessness was her gateway to her wisdom: “Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace”. She surrendered to her life purpose by doing the one thing in which she could experience the flow of being. To her, peace equated to what she experienced while she was flying: “no borders, just horizons — only freedom”.
Must be noted though that I do not identify myself with Amelia Earhart. Or any of the 3 women after which I named my parts. They are symbols for my M-parts which I recognized, accepted and learned to love.
My Amelia-piece makes me a private person, socially selective and often seen as odd because crowd-mentality does not attract me even slightly. I don’t believe that something is right just because it has been in a certain way for an exceedingly long time, or because it is done like that by most people.
This M-part lives by the adage “Find out who you are and do it on purpose”. It feels empowered and wants to empower others to dare to be themselves. It aims to reach the highest potential that can be manifested. It is an exciting and admirable part, but one that has little tolerance for weakness, passivity, and despair. Especially when they come from within.
The strengths of this M-part are determination and purposefulness. They get hardened by the weaknesses of this M-part: the fear of not being any different from everyone else and of not bearing significance. The ego here is crushed between the pressure to stand out and the fear of not knowing how to be average.
Thanks to this first M, I believe that the human life is a privilege and an opportunity for spiritual growth. It makes me recognize opportunity in challenge, and not back down. It gives me courage and an overwhelming thirst for freedom. It empowers me to take on the responsibility to be my own person.
This M-part confers tenacity and perseverance to the human being who I am. Deny or ignore it, and it demands my attention by pressuring me to succeed. Observing this pressure and working with it, without giving in or suppressing it, helped me discover the weaknesses of this M-part. And when I surrendered to its fear of insignificance and I gave permission to the Amelia M-part to fail, I became free. The pressure subsided as I assured it that I would love it anyways. The stress to achieve and to demonstrate my worth dissolved because this M-part was acknowledged by its most important critic: itself.
The human who I am is grateful for the fortitude of this M-part and approaches its weakness with loving acceptance. Thus I am free to profit from the stregths.
The choice of what to do with the life we have belongs to the individual. Each person decides whether s/he is part of the problem or part of the solution. Inhibiting uniqueness and fearing or disrespecting individuality are ways to create problems for the self and for others.
Never block who you think you are, but rather explore it right down to the smallest details. You will see much ego, but that’s OK, because the ego is harmless when watched. Problems arise only when it rules. By accepting all that you are, you create space within your being and in that space your True-self can come out to play.
When doing your own dissection, try to identify your different parts with their respective strengths and weaknesses, and try to address them from the position of the human being who you are. This exercise will activate your Observer-self, and that will get you closer to experiencing yourself as clear consciousness in human form.
The second M is the “lover-self” and I call it the Veronica Franco M-part. Veronica Franco was the most famous “honored courtesan” in Renaissance Venice, who did much more than provide men with intellectual, cultural and physical pleasures. She played music, wrote poetry and various literary pieces; she was a respected thinker and collaborated with prominent intellectuals. Through her social and literary interactions, Veronica Franco gained access to influential literary salons and published her works which brought her fame in a time when women were not allowed a public education. Her poems and letters were explicitly erotic and persuasively pro-woman. Her proto-feminism found the charitable institution “Casa del Soccorso”, which protected young Venetian women from the dangers of prostitution. Thus, Veronica Franco can be described as an independent-minded courtesan, an accomplished intellectual, an influential writer, a philanthropist and a compassionate woman. Her legacy continues to appeal to modern readers in the 21st century as much as she did to women and men of the Renaissance nearly five centuries ago. She certainly accomplished the mission she set out on: “I resolved to make a virtue of my need”.
The second M represents the passionate lover in me, who loves and honors love in all its forms: the physical (sexual love), the emotional (compassionate love), and the spiritual (unconditional love). This M-part makes it possible for the human being I am now to be completely attuned to the body in which I live. It enables me to feel my heart and to enjoy my body, and thanks to it I can teach others how to love. Although nowadays I don’t risk the Inquisition coming after me for encouraging people (especially women) to enjoy sex, pleasure is still a delicate subject, tainted by shame, guilt and other mental pollutants. And what a pity that is, considering that sex is the gateway to transcendental love, through which clear consciousness can be accessed and experienced.
Lao Tzu said:
“Love is the source, and love is the end also. So, one who misses love, misses all. But do not misunderstand love as an emotion; it is not. Love is not an emotion, is not a feeling. Love is the subtlest energy, subtler than electricity. The very substratum of all energies is love”.
After defining love this way, Lao Tzu explained that when Love expresses itself through us, it first takes the form of sex — this is manifestation through the body. At the next level, in my interpretation when the mind is aligned with the body, Love is higher, deeper and subtler. A next level is reached when there is alignment between the body, mind and soul. Here Love expresses itself as prayer. Lao Tzu mentions a fourth level as well, which belongs to the unmanifest and cannot be named.
To me, this is when the human being is connected to the Universal Truth and the limitations of being human dissolve. Then Love is transcendental, and sex evolves from 1) natural and flowing, through 2) very deep, “forget yourself completely in it” deep, when there is a temporary freedom from all ego-identifications and conditionings, all the way up to 3) a total orgasmic experience, when there is just being, just freedom, without any adding. There is just being and just freedom instead of “being something” and having “freedom from something”.
It must be emphasized that I am talking about consensual sex here. All participants need to choose it freely and mutual respect is an absolute must. Violations of any kind are not a matter of true sex; instead they relate to power and are expressions of perverse energy, which is the opposite of the love energy that expresses itself through conscious humans when they have sex.
I believe that making this distinction is especially important. Should Socrates have made this distinction, his wisdom would have been even more enlightened. Instead, he promoted a harsh judgement of the body: “our body creates thousands of annoying pursuits with the need for food. Moreover, if some sickness finds us, it raises barriers in our pursuit of being. We are flooded with romances, desires, fears, illusions of all sorts and foolish babbling. And because of it, not a single right thought comes to us”. Socrates only saw the limitations of the body, whereas through the Veronica Franco in me, I see the body’s amazing possibilities and gifts, which warrant celebration and gratitude.
The body is the gateway toward knowing ourselves and it offers us wonderful possibilities to enjoy this life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying our favorite food or delighting in a beverage. Watching or listening to something beautiful are uplifting experiences that inspire creativity, kindness and decency. The same goes for sex. The retributions which were (and often still are) attributed to those who are capable of genuinely enjoying carnal pleasures, create obstacles for the development of consciousness. Instead of distracting people with punishment and preaching restraint, it is much more sensible and beneficial to teach people how to enjoy the right way. When we feel joy, our ability to think, say and do the right thing, increases.
I believe that no one is vicious because they are happy, and people who do despicable things are deprived of feeling true joy. Wrongdoers feel miserable themselves. After all, we cannot give what we do not have, so a person who is filled with bitterness and apprehension will spread bitterness and apprehension. Differently, people who are taught to enjoy the pleasures that the body allows, are filled with joy and gratitude, and that is what they spread into the world.
There is nothing wrong with pleasure, quite the opposite: we got free will so we can choose to experience pleasure and to channel its wonderful energies into thinking, saying and doing good.
Problems arise from excesses, not from the pleasure we derive from sensory, bodily, or carnal satisfaction. But excesses are a matter of the mind, not of the body. The motivation behind excesses is hunger for power. Underneath that hunger is ignorance.
I believe that all confusion about sex and the association of pleasure with filthiness is failure to understand that the true nature of sex is Love. Hence, sex may be kinky, as long as it is an expression of love energy. But in order to truly enjoy sex, we must give the body its rightful place in our structure as human beings. The body is the closest home of our True-self and of all our parts. It has its own intelligence and we ought to learn how to listen to it and how best to take care of it.
The teachings and techniques of “The 3M System” are a good start. Learning to take care of the body the way it needs to be taken care of, means that the body will help us figure out our minds and make sense of our lives. Ignoring the body means reinforcing the lack of wisdom which is the cause of all suffering. Keeping people in ignorance was desired by those who coveted power and wanted fearful submissive followers; hence, the witch-hunts and the prosecution of courtesans. They were dangerous because they understood that sex done the right way has enormous potential for freeing humans.
The second M-part is the most spiritual part of me, which understands and loves Love. This M longs for togetherness in the deepest sense and surrenders to belonging. The weakness of this M-part is the need for togetherness; the capacity for melting together consciously is the strength.
Once I accepted my need and allowed it to be; it could no longer rule over me. The antidote of longing is diving into the depth of it, observing what happens when it is not satisfied. But I’m not talking about becoming a horny celibate as Ram Dass put it. I’m talking about self-honesty. Never underestimate the power of stating your need simply, directly, calmly. An urge that seemed impossible to manage suddenly becomes a free choice and you’re fine either way.
Self-honesty is the key that opens the door toward enlightenment.
“The 3M System” encourages us to discover our different parts with their respective strengths and weaknesses. It teaches us how to observe ourselves and how to develop the skill to create space within our being. By that exercise we get to function through our True-self.
The third M-part is the “child-woman-self” and I call it the Norma Jeane Mortenson/Baker. It is the most vulnerable, but also the most playful and innocent M-part. Deliberately I did not name it the Marylin Monroe, because I believe that Marylin was only a part of Norma Jeane. I also believe that Marylin’s enormous success came from the innate childlike innocence and open vulnerability which were authentic Norma Jeane traits. Marylin became the object of unprecedented popular adulation thanks to the warmth and wistfulness exuded by the human being who was Norma Jeane. The determinations to overcome failure and to perpetually learn were remarkable strengths of Norma Jeane, which made the creation of the icon Marylin possible. However, Norma Jeane carried deep wounds, which needed acceptance. Her agonizing fear of abandonment was fueled by Marylin’s overwhelming popularity. And in-between Norma Jeane never experienced the acceptance she craved: the unconditional love that she is enough, good enough and still adored even when she is without Marilyn’s luminosity.
Marylin’s idealized image was wanted by the entire world, but no one cared to love Norma-Jeane’s fallen-apart and broken pieces. They were buried and the woman suffered of terrible loneliness as the human being she was could not be genuine. Although Marilyn remains the ideal of femininity forever, Norma Jeane was never granted an authentic life.
The “child-woman-self” is the M-part that needs care and protection, it is innocent and naïve, easily frightened but also carefree. This part of me can make the human being I am laugh with her whole being. It is the cheerful player who delights in the game and never ruins it with competitiveness. It is the dreamer who dares to always hope for a happy ending. But it is also the M-part that harbors the fear of not being good enough and of not being loved when weak, imperfect or broken.
“Stop crying; no one loves you when you are weak” — such a cliché expression, used carelessly by so many parents in the 20th century, mine included, a very powerful cliché that destroys a sensitive child’s self-esteem.
In all honesty, let me put forward that I grew up in what counts as a good home and I had a strong family base for which I am grateful. I was encouraged and supported to develop both physically and intellectually. I was raised to grow strong, but weakness, emotionality and fear were not tolerated. I had to suck it up and fake being strong. In order to obtain my parents’ approval, I had to pretend that the Norma Jeane in me had not existed. The result: paralyzing fear that my secret will get revealed, most prominent in my nightmares which took the form of entire series with connected episodes.
Although lacking a nurturing environment and often wishing even praying for different circumstances, I grew up accomplishing success as a top student and a winning athlete. The Buddhist tradition teaches us that we get the precise conditions which we need for the level of consciousness development at which we are. In other words, it was karmically decided that my parents’ intolerance for weakness would offer me the best conditions for my spiritual growth.
All good in theory, but I had no experience with failure; my parents had eliminated that option as failure could not happen to their daughter. Imagine the gamble this attitude took, and the catastrophe I faced when eventually I did fail as inevitably we all do at some point in our lives.
Working through failure was a laborious process. At first, I was surprised. Then, I was crushed. Afterwards, I began handling it scientifically. I sought reasons, formulated hypotheses and designed experiments. Like a clumsy child who stubbornly insists to learn how to skateboard despite having no talent whatsoever, I fell over and over again in my attempts to eradicate failure from my life. Bruised and sore, it eventually dawned on me that maybe failing is the point. So I sat with it, and it was no fun. I was amazed by how strongly I wanted to correct it somehow. But I reminded myself to just let it be: “Let’s see where it gets us. Don’t worry, I still love you even though you failed spectacularly” — these were the magical words that put my child-woman-self at ease. The 3rd M-part got relaxed as it was accepted and even loved despite its weakness.
However, the conditionings my parents planted in me lived on through my relationships. I was desperate to please and I was determined to be whoever my men wanted me to be. In each relationship I sensed what he wanted and I played the role until the inner tension became unbearable and heralded the end of the relationship. Then, almost instantly I began another round of the same cycle.
After 2 decades of leaving one husband and a number of decent boyfriends behind, I got really good at running away from relationships whenever my “child-woman-self” predicted danger. This part of me caused much disturbance in my life and I couldn’t help but notice my partners’ exasperation whenever my “child-woman-self” surfaced. Observing the often negative developments, gave me the brilliant idea to eliminate the “child-woman-self”. Thus, I focused on my other two parts, the “scientist-self” and the “lover-self” which were strong and polished.
My efforts were rather quickly rewarded; soon my life was sparkling with success. I seemed to have it all under control, I thought I had it all figured out, and I was declared irresistibly perfect. For the first time in this life, I felt that I truly belonged to a man I completely trusted. I was adored, it was wonderful, and I tasted joy I did not imagine was possible. Along came peace, as I was freed from fear. Or so I thought. But in truth, Life just granted me a breather before the more profound lessons began.
Some years later I found myself abandoned. It never happened before. The fall was proportional with the awesome highs I experienced previously in that extraordinary relationship. I thought I would die, and frankly it didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time. The glaring reality that despite my best efforts I still didn’t figure it out and I had failed playing the role I took upon myself, came down on me with a massive crash.
My other parts could not pull me through this time and I had no power to do damage control. So I just sat with it. Let it bleed.
I remember lying on the floor, lost in my own victim story. Nothing made sense anymore and I didn’t care. Paralyzed with fear and imprisoned by self-loathing, I couldn’t move. But there was one being there with me who taught me the most valuable lesson. My feline soulmate helped me shift my focus. As I tasted my own tears, I finally began asking the right questions:
“How can somebody else deem me worthy of love, if I don’t love all of myself?”
“How can I live authentically if the strengths of my parts are loved but their respective weaknesses are rejected?”
“How can I be truly free if I rely on external validation?”
Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. It was clearly time for me to do something else.
I went back to the origins of my problem, and I addressed the little girl within me. I recalled specific events from my childhood when the “child-woman-self” was unwanted, ridiculed, or even shamed. I visualized my complex adult-self present in those events, and I directed it to give the little girl the protection, understanding and love she was denied. The need to suppress weakness subsided as I gave my Norma Jeane permission to be.
It was the biggest breakthrough I achieved thus far. I ventured on an entirely new street. It resembled how Portia Nelson (American singer, songwriter, actress and author) summarized her life in 5 chapters:
Chapter I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I don’t see it, I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there and I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open; I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V: I walk down another street.
The liberation that followed my new understanding was riveting. The human being I am in this lifetime was never before more contented. My worth was no longer depending on external validation. I saw Life manifest through me, through all of me. Ironically the isness of Life, the light of clear consciousness was shining brightest through my weaknesses.
