The insecurities of the human condition or the challenge of being enough and knowing it

Through my struggles, I have learned how to hold firm in a storm, not by holding on to whatever (or whomever) I can find, for as long as I can, but by trusting that the one thing that truly matters in this conditioned world will never let go of me as long as I am part of this conditioned world myself: the clear energy of being, the is-ness of Life.

When I leave from here, the me as I know it and its associated fears and insecurities will no longer be relevant. I become part of something else. It will be a different story.

For now, my job is to understand and experience that there is something greater than the constrained human being state, and that something is part of me. Some call it God and others the Universe. To others it is consciousness. Whatever name you ascribe, it manifests through space. Space, as in the opposite of the crowdedness of disturbing feelings and thoughts, and the tightness of limiting beliefs and judgement.

When I truly surrender to being honest with myself, when I allow myself to be naked, fully exposing my weaknesses, accepting and even loving myself with them, for them, not in spite of them, it is then that I create space within my being. It is then that I function from a place of trust. In turn, when my decisions and my choices are trust-based instead of fear-based, the results of my actions and interactions are positive and the human being I am is more stable and contented.

This is true also for weaknesses masked as strengths such as vanity, opportunism, narcissism, and addiction to power, manipulativeness and even exploitativeness — if you have any or all of these traits, try being honest with yourself about them. You can admit these traits to yourself; you do not need to make a public statement. Be true in your acceptance and space will be created. These traits are wounds, and the wound is the place where the light enters you.

I know that in my essence I am clear consciousness. I know that when I function through my true self, the light of God or the Universal Truth manifests through me. I know that in my human form I have a body, a mind, an ego and several layers of conditioning. I have different parts and on good days, they all get along just fine. Other times they are in conflict and then it’s crucial that I can fall back on my consciousness development, on knowing that I am not only my thoughts, and I am not only my feelings; I am not my possessions, and I am not what I do.

I am not my body or my mind, and I am not my ego. I have those, but I am that which looks through my eyes, hears through my ears, and feels through my fingertips. I am neither the pictures in the mirror (that is what others see of me), nor the one who looks into the mirror (that is what I show of myself). What I truly am is the mirror behind the imagines — the surface of the mirror, which never changes, like the calm depth of the ocean underneath the moving, growing, crashing waves. Or like the steady presence of the sky, neither threatened by its clouds, nor boasting its majestic rainbows.

When I function through my true self, clear consciousness shines beyond (or underneath) the dualistic shadows of my attachments and my aversions. Through my true self, I live in equanimity and I am free.

Knowing this does not mean that parts of me should be denied. The ego may not be who I really am, but as a human I need to embrace it, or else I would live in constant struggle. My thoughts and my feelings may be troublemakers, but they are very real to me, and I need to respect their existence; only then I can experience peace within. Invalidating my feelings and discrediting my thoughts, hurts. It may be the ego that takes affront, but it is me — the human in the body — who feels it. The more honest I am with- and about myself, the more I embrace my ego with all its aspects, the more space I create. And space gets filled with wisdom — the nectar of clear consciousness.

Then again, embracing my ego and accepting my imperfections, weaknesses and broken parts does not mean that I am giving up on the possibility that I can live through my true self, or the God-like nature of clear consciousness that is beyond the struggles of duality. I am not giving up on my highest potentialities; instead, I accept that the best version of myself comes forth when I live in peace with all my pieces.

Life as a human being is a balancing act. We need to live the limitations of the human condition in order to realize that we are limitless beings. We need to make friends with the ego in order to transcend beyond it. We need to become aware of the crowdedness of all the concepts which we create and nurture within ourselves in order to experience spaciousness and relaxation.

Today I am searching for the right publisher for my book “The Crack” in which I present the method of consciousness development that I created after my PhD: “The 3M System”. Today there is clarity in me even when fear arises because there is space in me. Today I know that I am enough; moreover, it was never a question of how much or how good I am.

But I remember the times before today. I remember resisting the curriculum of being human. I remember obsessing about being perfect and desperately trying to avoid suffering. Twenty years ago, when I struggled with the inner crowdedness in which everyone who tries to work through their insecurities gasps for air, the space in which my book exists and grows today, was only enough for this poem:

Prayer for purity

Melinda Asztalos, March 2002, Partium

I was not supposed to be born here,

This world is not the one that’s mine,

But Temptation did fly there

And invited me inside.

So now I’m here,

Burning in the fire of my own loneliness,

And I’m scared.

Will I fall apart?

It might happen one day,

When my Faith will go away

Far away from my lonely heart.

I’m drifting tired in the cage of Life,

Trying to find out who lives inside of me,

Making an attempt to do the Good,

To share what’s nice,

Paying back for mine or other people’s sins.

That’s why I beg you: feel me!

Leave the judgement and the asking,

Let your senses free –

To feel the feeling there in me.

Don’t ask, just feel.

What you’re able to,

What I let you to,

What your memories bring in your mind,

When you wake up in the middle of the night.

When you smile at me although you’re crying,

When you pretend you’re happy meanwhile you’re hiding,

Then I know your inside hurts and your heart is dying.

I feel it all:

The hidden words,

The tears,

The passion faded,

The moments gone,

The love which harms,

The gentle way of killing.

That’s why I beg you: feel me!

Leave the judgement and the asking,

Let your senses free –

To feel the feeling there in me.

When you call my heart,

Or you just come to me,

If you look deep in my eyes

You can find yourself in me.

And if you’re just right there

With no questions or ideal hopes,

Finally you’ll see the real me and you’ll care

’cause you will recognize my inner voice.

And your charm will rise the brightest light

In the dark room of my chilled body,

It will flash fire to all ashes which remind

Of a dead creature who was once — or still is — just me.

Your eyes will inspire with life

The depth of my hanged meshes,

Your soul will be reflected in my foggy sight,

And we both might be allowed

To forget about the crashes.

That’s why I beg you: feel me!

Leave the judgement and the asking,

Let your senses free –

To feel the feeling there in me.

The difference between the light of clear consciousness that could shine through me 20 years ago and today is directly proportional with the amount of space I freed within my being. Creating space is the most important task we have in this human life. In order to fulfil it, collaborate with your insecurities, don’t try to get rid of them. Listen to them, they have important messages for you. Feel them in your body. Observe the sensations which arise when your insecurities mark their presence. Locate the exact spot where you feel something and specify what you’re feeling. Be as specific and as detailed as possible. Then see what your mind is making of the experience. Notice how your projections turn your insecurities into enemies. Identify the concepts which grow like mushrooms after rain and contaminate the space within your being.

Now reason with the facts: you have some insecurities. They are parts of the human being who you are. You can choose to be a victim, you can pretend that fighting them is not senseless, or you can relax in accepting yourself with those insecurities. So, what if you fail to satisfy the expectations of some norm that was made by other people who had other insecurities than yours? No one is free from insecurities and no insecurity is more acceptable or less problematic than yours. They are all insecurities, and they are all meant to help the humans who have them in creating space within themselves. The precise insecurity with which you are struggling was chosen by your soul especially as a precious crack in your personality — a window through which the light of clear consciousness shines into this world through the human being who you are.

I am grateful that my work as a spiritual teacher helps people create space within themselves and contributes to the growth of clear consciousness in our world. Please contact me if you feel that our interaction might be useful.

If you need more information on how I reached this place of inner spaciousness, please read my articles. I am publishing fragments from my book in order to make my work available to all who can benefit from it.

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