Chronicles of a Heavy Hearted Young Woman

I was having a mental battle within myself, trying to decide whether to approach this topic with all seriousness or with complete humor. Considering the fact that I have been blessed with the gift of ‘indecisiveness’ -thus my blog name- I decided that I will just let whatever happen, happen. So, here we go.

I have been blessed with a ‘heavy heart’. I feel deeper than normal, thus causing me to hurt more than normal in a mental sense . Wow, God spared nothing when it came to blessing me with all the ‘short end’ qualities: indecisiveness, heavy-heartedness …I’m short too by the way. Thanks God. Anyway, my heavy-heart has caused me to love boundlessly, constantly try to see the best in people (of course there are some exceptions), and feel so much pain from a situation that my mind goes into a sort of mental apocolyse. I also over analyse situations but that’s one of the burdens of being a young woman. Or the stereotypical young woman. Whatever. My job isn’t to be politically correct. In fact, I don’t have a job. I need to get one. Crap.

Back to the issue.

Some may say my condition is depression. And it probably is. I mean, I tried seeing a doctor about it but she was like “Okay, we’ll call you later.” And they never did. I mean , damn. Like I deal with rejection all the time: from my crushes, to my friends, to scholarship programs, to school. I mean, I could be the poster child of rejection. But the hospital too? That’s savage. So, I decided to just deal with matters myself…like I always do. I mean, I really don’t care for talking to a shrink. I’d rather listen to music or something. Music sounds better…no offense, therapists. And I know I won’t kill myself or something ‘cus the thought of causing pain to those I love would destroy me (plus Hell doesn’t seem like the coolest place to be…punny). Religious perspectives aside, I would never feel fine with causing pain to my loved ones. So the whole ‘depression’ theory is more of a side effect than a diagnosis for my heavy heart. Damn you, heavy heart! Can’t you just allow society to diagnose you?

Back to Religious persepectives. I would really like to have a conversation with God one day concerning my condition. I imagine it going something like this:

It opens in a scene where I’m in heaven, after having died in my sleep at a reasonably old age, and listening to good music.

Me: Hell yeah, I made it. Oops. I mean Hallelujah!

God: Yeah, you did kiddo! Congratulations. I’m so glad you’re here. But first, I believe you wanted to ask a question.

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. Wait, I just thought of-

God: Really? You want to do this?

Me: You know I do.

God sighs, smiles and dims the lights from the sky and then everything turns black and white. A dim light shines on an orchestra of angels as they begin to play a familiar melody. God comes out in a synthetic fur coat and begins to sing.

God: Hello, it’s God. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet. To go over, everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya but time’s only a unit of measurement….

The light shines on me. I am wearing a matching coat with God courtesy of God’s Heavenly Angels Limited(badass level inifinity!).

Me: There’s such a difference between us. But that’s expected ‘cus you’re God and I’m not….

We turn abruptly to face each other and begin to sing the chorus together. When we are done, the crowd goes wild. Best. Parody. Ever. Everything goes back to normal.

Me: That was epic you have to admit.

God: I guess.

I catch that smile creep up His face.

God: Okay. Question.

Me: Right. Why did you give me such a heavy heart, God?

God: The best hearts are the heaviest, my child.

Me: Well that’s a lame excuse. No offense, God. You totally pulled a Jesus parable moment on me.

God: That’s what I do.

God thinks He’s so funny. He is though.

Me: Okay, please elaborate.

God: First off, I know it sucks. But you have to rememeber that the problem is not that you have a heavy heart. The problem is how you interprete what it’s telling you and how you respond to it. Mother Theresa had a heavy heart. So did Robin Williams. And so do I. You’re not the only one. I give you all heavy hearts not to punish you, but to let you feel the way I do. It’s the world that makes the whole process complicated. The world bears so much pain in it and people don’t love each other the way they should. It kind of makes people like you, who face personal battles as a result of the world’s wickedness, become overwhelmed. But that’s why you need to look to me. And that’s why I need people like you, who feel the world in all the right proportions, to make a difference in this world ‘cus only people like you know how much pain mankind’s wickedness is causing the world.

Me: Wow. Why do you have to make so much sense.

God: ‘Cus I’m God.

Me: But wait, I can’t make a difference. I’m dead.

God: No you’re not. You’re writing an imaginary conversation between the both of us in your blog post. You’re also meant to be reading for finals today. So, I suggest you go and do that. But I’m glad you wrote this blog post. I know you have a lot on your chest right now so it’s good to clear things up. I’m also estatic that your writing again. I love you and I always will.

Me: I love you too, God. Okay, I’m gonna go back to the real world now. Thanks for the pep talk. It might not work 100 percent but at least it will give me something to thing about.

God: I know. You’re welcome, my child. Oh and one more thing.

Me: Yes, God?

God: Don’t over analyse the situation. Guys are weird and annoying. Just do you, boo-boo kitty. Everything will be fine. I promise.

I blush a little.

Me: God! You’re totally acting like my mom! She’s always stalking me on Facebook. Now you’re stalking my mind!

God: It’s our jobs.

I give God a big hug and tell him farewell and get put back on this earth. Crud. Well, it was good while it lasted.

So, that was interesting. It’s crazy what writing does for me. That’s one blessing I will forever be grateful for (and my mom, and everything else).

I’ve decided to reintroduce myself (I didn’t even do that in the first place).

Hi. I’m a girl who suffers from a heavy heart. But I’ve decided to not let it be a burden anymore. Today, I’m gonna try and interprete my feelings better, and not let my self doubts, the pain I feel, or the overdrive of emotions consume me. I shall instead consume them, so that they norish my body, mind and soul, and push me to be that powerful, stong person that I have and will always be.

Wish me luck. And if you decide to join me on this journey then come on…

Let’s be badasses together.