Today I read an article on Scientific American called “What If.” People around the world sent in their what if and some of them aches my heart.

I also have one What If.

What If on that small road of the poor village I could have foreseen what will be waiting for me ahead. Will I just cling onto my mom’s hand and told her that Me oi, I need nothing but your hug around my back when I’m tired. I need nothing but your unconditional love. I need nothing but the warmth of your body. I need nothing but you being there when I’m most tired and desperate.

Had I seen this future, would I walk down the same road. I became an adopted kid. I work so hard in school. I moved to another country where I gain access to a stellar education. I’m where I wanted to be, where she and my grand-dad wanted me to be. I have an awesome boyfriend, great bonding with my siblings, I have a good academic record and great friends. I get to be who I am. I’m where I have always wanted to be.

But

Deep down in me, there’s still insecurity. There’s still fear and scars that no matter how much I try, I could never forget. It has become a part of me.

And I wonder. What if that day I had said no. How would my life turn out. Would I become just another engineer, another employee in a corrupt society. Will I manage to get a scholarship to study abroad. Would I be happy. All the things I have sacrificed to get this. Although my reward is high but I always wonder does it worth it?

Time is a one way constant flow. And there’s no turning back. There’s so many what if in this world, but there’s only one reality.

//

The other day I woke up, and suddenly sth comes to my head. I have read a post about an old guy looking for a woman he met years ago.

And there was that one particular sentence that struck my mind:

“ But as I cast this virtual coin into the wishing well of the cosmos, it occurs to me, after a million what-ifs and a lifetime of lost sleep, that our connection wasn’t missed at all.”

And for some reason a sentence occur in my head “And if it’s true that under this cosmos, starts and planet aligning does determine our faith, and even though our stars might never cross again, I sincerely hope that yours will always align well.”