The truth about home education
Wether you chose this route or it chooses you. You are faced with the overwhelming notion that you are going against the grain and already doing something society deems as “wrong”, for me with no alternative available, this route, a path which as frightening as it sounded had a light out of a very long and painfully dark tunnel. it’s a heavy burden to have on your shoulders, judging eyes and the unknown. In one hand it’s exhilarating your doing something completely different to the sheep of this earth, you are finally becoming a Shepard and leading a way based on your own circumstances and experiences and knowledge… that you have so much freedom to be who you are or in my case and my families… to discover who you truly are, strip away all of those placed expectations and limitations and follow your own unique and personal journey. On the other hand I continue to have this small nagging feeing “am I doing this right?” I have no measure but is that because I was brought up in a factory based society? where measures were placed, where your worth and values were weighed in education and how standardised testing slotted you into a box. That having a degree made you a better person and that your job defined who you are. This is probably always going to be a personal battle in my mind… my past, one that got me here today… against a future that I am helping create for my child. I also have a strange notion that I’m being self indulgent and dare I say it a little selfish although Many say how selfless I have become. It’s a huge responsibility and after four years it still engulfs me like a tidal wave, I still question am I doing the right thing? Even though I know deep down that my daughters mental health and well-being is so much better, she is becoming a whole person and is full of life and love and every day we feel blessed that we can live this chosen path but that little voice of doubt still creeps in with the same question.
It takes strength, courage and determination to follow this road or create a new one and build what is right for you and your family. At the very beginning it felt like a sacrifice and allot of loss. That I gave up on an entire world that was known as our life. Work, friendships (or what I thought were friendships) our daily routine all faded… until I realised that what I had known for so long was just a facade, a reflection of what we are supposed to be. You start to see all the possibilities and the narrow tick box path that we were on had widened and had many routes we could follow. When that feeling of freedom finally kicks in you feel exhilarated with the endless ways in which you can live your life and the constraints that bound you down are now gone, the notions that you can go anywhere… do anything drives us to live our lives in the most fullest way we can.
That one negative question still rattles around in my mind and as we meet others in similar situations the comparing begins, you see what others are doing and succeeding in and wonder if your child should be doing that too, the decisions on what is available to what your child actually needs causes a dilemma. My only way to solve that gap was to fill it, if I can’t find what we are looking for then I will create it, I will find people and places, I will do what is right for us and concentrate on what matters most. But what matters most to us may not matter to others and that can become difficult especially when numbers are necessary. It also creates a secular style of thinking and that troubles me to the core, the needs of your child shouldn’t outweigh others needs to the extent of exclusion the more you concentrate on an individual path you loose sight on sense of self and worth and those around you. I’ve witnessed it, been part of it and it breaks my heart…. Where individuals are so determined, focussed and almost elitist about their own child’s educational journey that their behaviour and actions forgo others, they forget they are part of a community or could be part of one, that looking out for numero uno or in this case their own child in this very selfish manner teaches children poor ethics , poor communication and social abilities, to function in society or in a sense they are creating a society which has that “I only matter… as long as I have what I need who cares” attitude, it’s not just this pocket of people I’m seeing it everywhere where people are just becoming more inward and self centred. Being empathic means I see and hear it more often and I struggle to get my point across through all this noise, I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. My husband keeps telling me I will continue to get hurt and that maybe I should be a bit more like them as our child will have better chances if I was more single minded and driven this way… I’m not sure I ever can!
As home education feels right, it is a hard journey for me personally as the energy needed surpasses the energy I have, I’m driven by love for my daughter to continue to make it work. But I’m also so tired and exhausted. It’s sometimes feels like a battle and I’m hoping one day with the connections made it will be less so.
The positive impact on the social encounters we have had has improved and enriched our lives, my daughters friendships look like they can be long lasting and meaningful and healthy at last.
A rocky start where acidic and poisoned friendships had burnt us, where selfish individuals took advantage of our very open and good nature… dare I say I was naive to think that everyone valued friendship as deeply as I do, I blame myself for allowing us to get so hurt and badly bruised and for my daughter to feel the huge loss of connections she wanted to hold dear and close to her heart. She shares the same values as I do, its somewhat idealistic and has hope that most people are kind and caring. We have learnt some life lessons that some people are broken and whatever has hurt them has made them hurt others…. We can’t always fix that no matter how hard we try and it’s ok to let go especially if you are being brought down with them. Slowly we are learning that we can choose what makes us happy and who makes us happy and that is ok we can’t be a saviour to all. For me and I know my daughter is similar, I have this urge to help people because if I was that sad and lonely I would want someone to be there for me, it also invades my mind that someone is hurt and I struggle to forget about it, my desire to help others sometimes cancels out to help myself. I know I should practice self love more and pursue some personal dreams and wants.
Selfishness is very prevalent in home education groups and as mentioned previously it troubles me to my very core. There are lots of cliques that are suited to singular personal needs and wants, it’s hard to see meaningful connections. The facade continues in this society from the ones who broke away from expectations and rules have created a sub text on how to “act” it so blatantly obvious that these little groups have a hierarchy and act in pack like behaviour. Maybe we can’t escape it, but it does bother me how people can not be individual and embrace who they truly are. How there is a leader who has control (this controlling need is routed from mainly insecurities and anxieties and some personal gain) you usually have a supporter… one or two that praise the leader and their choices, making sure everyone stays in line and will do allot of the dirty work (thus loosing respect in the process) the rest follow, some because they are frightened that if they don’t follow the groups rules they will be kicked out and their child will not get the activity or opportunity they think their child needs. Some just follow what is said, just ride it and never question… as long as their child is getting something from it, why rock the boat? Why stand up for appalling behaviour and ousting. And sadly some just don’t care who they trample on in their way…. They have an end result and are almost blinded by that path that basic human emotions are just disconnected and over zealous with greed for their own child’s future. There are also those who are completely and blissfully unaware and maybe that’s a good thing. The problem with this incredibly juvenile situation is that the children will learn from it… they will see how this little clique works and will think it’s a normal way to behave and treat people. They will treat friendships like this they will choose to be a “leader” or a “follower” either being essentially a bully or the bullied. Both in my opinion is not something I want to subject my daughter to. So we were ousted almost immediately from a few factions as we didn’t fit the mold even in home education! How about that! I do grasp why some are driven this way, it’s basic human nature after all… survival of the fittest, fight if you feel threatened or in danger, herd together by the fire but I would like to think we have evolved a little from that era.
It’s not all doom and gloom you do however find these amazing individuals amongst the grit what I like to call “gems” you feel compelled to see them often, almost like magnets we find each other, we have similar ideals and interests our children are so connected and understand each other and something just “clicks” into place. You find you end up going to the same places, seeing them time and time again… I like those encounters they always feel right. I’m still very guarded on how much to trust and I Inadvertently babble, sometimes I wish I can be more thoughtful to what I say, but when I’m nervous.. which is often…. Words just come out and I’m always thinking I should of said things in a better manner or held back with out baring my thoughts and opinions too much, I think like my daughter we don’t have daily social interaction so we offload, it’s something I’m very aware of and trying hard to be better at and knowing what can be said and when to stop. My husband warns me to be weary as not everyone is as friendly as me and he believes my ideal of friendship is an immature one and I still have allot to learn….. he may be right and I fear more tears will be shed.
The good thing about home education is that it’s ever changing it can be so many things and you can dip your toes into many opportunities allowing your children (and yourself) to experience life a bit fuller, it widens their horizons and allows them to know themselves more, I think a sense of self is very important in this day and age and you can easily get lost. It builds character and personality, I love chatting with the children just as much as I love chatting with the adults. (Sometimes I secretly prefer it) I like that there are no inhibitions, they say how they feel or what’s on their mind there and then… no regrets which is something I truly admire how innocent yet confident, funny and most of all happy they are or becoming.
I’m not even sure we doing everything right… I guess no one really knows no matter what they choose to follow or do. It got me thinking about what I have that classes as success in life… everything I class as valuable and am very proud of were not measured by my education but who I was as a person, my GCSE’s my degrees all are worthless now to me, I only gained some gruelling life lessons and left with many scars from that system. The jobs I had were based on me and how I performed, the work type success I have had were of when I worked hard and did what I thought was right and valued at the time even though I have magazine publications, blog award nominations, turned down two tv opportunities and book deal none of them were from those pieces of paper and also none of them although noteworthy actually matter to me, I worked hard to get there but it never brought me any sense of wholeness or happiness. I’m now just proud who I am, who I’m learning to be, those I love and hold dear are of great importance, my success as deep as it sounds is living a life and making it matter. I don’t really care how big my house is (although I do daydream of owning a barn conversion one day) what possessions I have all seem inconsequential. We don’t have a step by step plan per-say our main goal is for our family and those around us to lead a happy and for filling life. It’s not surrounded by Exams and a tick box upbringing, it’s surrounded by love and as cliche as it sounds I think that matters most. Even with all the doubts, inner turmoils, the social inequalities it still feels right.
This of course is my own personal encounters, everyone has their own agendas, wants and needs, their own home education journey and story to tell… this was mine.
