Confessions of an Asian-American

I don’t mean to sound rude or racist at any point of this blog post, but if I do, please just remember that I’m a hormonal teenager who has no idea what’s going on and honestly if Donald Trump is allowed to open his mouth in public then I should be able to write this possibly racist/rude blog post.

I’ve lived most of my life surrounded by other people who are NOT Asian. In my elementary school, I was the only Asian until the second grade, then someone from China came to my school. When I was in middle/high school, there was apparently only like 9 or 10 Asians in the school, including my sister and I (I say apparently because someone told me multiple times and I kind of just believed them because honestly would anyone actually go around the school surveying the ethnicity of all their fellow students?? (in case you were wondering the answer is no)). I’m also part of an Italian family and my sister and I are the only Asians. So, after all of that, I feel like I’m a little more justified than others to say that sometimes I forget that I am Asian. It’s an honest mistake really. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror my entire life so when I look at myself in the mirror now I don’t pay too much attention to how I look (thus the phrase “I woke up like dis” really does apply to me because I spend the least amount of time getting ready for anything).

Sometimes forgetting my ethnicity comes with all sorts of awkward problems that can cause internal conflict within me. When people make racist jokes about Asians, like “good stir fry, what’s in it?? doggg????” I would laugh without hesitation. The reality sets in a little after once I’ve realized that I’m Asian (queue the internal conflict) and still to this day am unsure if I’ve actually eaten a cat or dog (more internal conflict). I mean honestly I guess if it was legal and I didn’t see where the house pet of choice came from I might try it but it’s only because I appreciate food and maybe if I pray before eating the dish like Robin Hood did it’ll be okay (I’m kidding of course).

Other times, I think too much about being Asian. More because I’m adopted and am technically an immigrant, but Asian nonetheless. Fun side story, I was adopted when I was five and moved to New Jersey after I was like eleven. Not so fun story, when I went to go get my driver’s license my mom found out that none of my legal papers actually make me legal (except for like the state of Florida) and I could possibly get deported if I ever run into any contact with government officials. Even less fun story, my mom went to call the agency that she got me through and they ended up not existing anymore. So as you can imagine, I’m a little frazzled at the moment and possibly at any other moment of my life until I die.

BUT WAIT! THERE’s MORE

My manager was talking to me and she was like “were You born here” and I automatically get into flight or fight mode (yaaaaa AP Bio where you at??) and of course I chose the flight mode part because like what if she deports me?????? So like any other person caught in my situation, I told her that I was. AND SHE BELIEVED ME. (honestly why would I ever need roller coasters in my life when I can just have strangers come up to me and ask me if I was born here). She then went on talking about how her nephew is going to Japan next year and she was going to go with him for like a month and thEN OF COURSE I HAD TO BACKTRACK BECAUSE WHY WOULDN’T I BE CAUGHT IN THIS SITUATION and I had to PRETEND LIKE I FORGOT WHERE I WAS BORN SO I CAN TELL HER THE TRUTH THAT I WASNT BORN IN THE UNITED STATES SO THAT SHE DOESNT THINK THAT IM A LIAR. I know. It was a crazy day.

Another kind of concerning thing, recently and intermittently throughout my life, I’ve had nothing going on in my head. Like there’s no words or anything. And I guess it’s kind of ok right now but it gets really inconvenient when I’m trying to talk, as you could imagine. Because I don’t even know what the next thing I’m going to say is. Because there’s nothing in my brain. I don’t really have a point here, but I feel like someone should know, just in case something happens.