Meaning in Nothingness :The Burden Of Belief.
I was conceived almost twenty years ago, yet i still do not know for what purpose or reason. It’s an incredible pain to bear, especially when it seems invisible to everyone but you. Last night was a quite one, the same street light softly shed its rays through the glass of my window, the faint light tickles the dark corners of my room and the wind softly moaned. Beneath this curtain of silence i was saying my prayers : “Dear god, I pray to you to keep my soul if i die tonight …”
There was no particular reason -away from the nostalgic habit- to compensate the idea of death but once i finished my prayer i was struck by a deep terror; I realized that i might truly die at any given moment without the slightest warning.
I couldn’t bring myself out of the idea as it sucked the peace out of my mind. My glorified existence was once and for all dethroned and shadowed by how passive and negligible it was. I came here, to be, just as a blind wanderer in the dark who desperately chases the illusion of a mere ray of light within the nothingness. It’s not even the fact that horrifies me, but it’s my foolishness that struck my foundation.
The next day i asked everyone i met, all the stranger that seemed so close to who i am as we both meditated upon the fact that one day the lights will go off unexpectedly. The answers were “full of blind belief” as no one seemed to see how senseless they were.
“Were all going to hell”, “We’re born to die” and my favorite one was “God will welcome us into his eternal kingdom”. All these answers do not even come close to looking into the problem.
How do i see it ?
Simply, It makes no sense, and that is why i force myself to believe. I can’t accept the idea of death, hence i make the most senseless and inadequate excuses. Although i know somewhere deep inside that the very foundation of the idea of god’s existence is shaken to the limits, i still try to maintain whatever hope in that particular idea.
From times to times i think that if it gives me peace then i’m careless about the fact whether if it’s true or not, which is pragmatically right and morally quite wrong. Even the spectrum of “Right” and “Wrong” seems to fall apart, if we are desperate lost organisms that have no purpose nor mission, no great battle nor war and not even a “meaning” there should be no limits.
No moral construct shall conduct the way i should behave as long as i am fully aware of my behavior, and what i mean by awareness is not the strategic study of the consequences and impacts of any certain act but to be aware of the act itself. This “Free Will” must not be determined, it must be understood and accepted no matter how immoral, unethical or unreasonable it is. We shall do what we do because we can.
Just like feral beasts in outer space who were meant to be just the way they are for they are who they were meant to be and no matter how insane it is to realize it, it just is as it always were and always will be.
In the most far-fetched chances we might all be the subjects of an omnipotent being who fiddles our strings as the puppeteer for his own pleasure. It may sound terrifying when you put the words in that kind of order.
No matter how “unbelievable” the situation may be it is quite rational and possible.
Although this might seem quite freeing for the soul; Tonight before i sleep i’ll recite my prayers again…
“Dear god, I pray to you to set my soul free if i die tonight …”