41: What keeps you going…
There’s this song I’ve never heard playing in the background of my mind. I can’t make out the lyrics or the tune. An essential question dropped in my heart the other day, but I was too distracted to listen and now, I can’t remember. I was up for most of the night since last night, silently praying about different things in my heart. It never fails, knowing He’s always there to talk and listen, even at the oddest hours. So, I sat up in my bed and let my thoughts flow — this is the life I’d rather be living. I don’t know how to live any other way.
When I got this job, it meant I was going to have to move and start afresh in a new city where I never wanted to be. I’d been praying for an opening, but I didn’t exactly confirm if it was what I’d been waiting for. It’s always been clear that the events in my life from when I was way younger till now could have only been orchestrated by God. No one else could write this story this way. First off, it was in a city I dreaded, one I am trying to navigate.
“Relevance… why do you want to be relevant? Why does the validation of your relevance come from others? If people say you aren’t relevant, does that make it true? What other validation of relevance is needed beyond knowing that the One who made the world came in form of man to die for you?” This was the conversation going on in my mind earlier as I did my chores before settling in to work.
I almost gave up on writing because it felt like I was losing attention. All the times I’ve doubted myself it was because it felt like people didn’t rate me. It creatively blocks me. Fine, these gifts are to be used for the benefit of the people, but I’m not the star of the show. I’m a conduit, an earthly vessel filled with heavenly treasures. The decision to write every day for the rest of the year was not to draw attention, but to monitor growth, to practice consistency. When did it become a show that I’m putting on for people?
That burst of joy I was having, it’s at a all-time low. But I’ll push on and be so much better. I have learnt some things of recent and I’m grateful that the Holy Spirit is taking me on this journey where capacity is being built. No matter what happens, this kid will be alright.
