Thoughts on “Autism Parents”

I know there’s a big community centered around parents of Autistic children, and I know that many of these so called “Autism Parents” find a lot of comfort in their little community.

However, a lot of the time this little community is quite hurtful and harmful to Autistic people.

I know they don’t mean to be, they’re only trying to do what they think is best for their children, but sometimes what ends up happening is the opposite of what we need. It’s no fault of their own, at least not for the most part. As much as some people like to point fingers at the parents, a lot of the time it’s all due to misinformation from organizations like Autism Speaks that purposefully spread misinformation and stories in the news from under educated writers.

So through, usually, no fault of their own “Autism Parents” find themselves believing the drivel these sources try to force feed us.

“Autism Epidemic!” “Scientists Close to Finding Cure For Autism!” “Girl Asks Autistic Boy to Prom!”

Flashing headlines of complete misinformation and harmful ideas that only add to the ignorance that people already have about Autism.

So here I am to tell “Autism Parents” to take a step back, learn what they can before they jump head first into the community. Listen to the voices of Autistic people, listen to them when they tell you you shouldn’t do something. Don’t believe everything other parents try to tell you, because odds are that they probably don’t know what they’re talking about.

So great, find your little communities, meet with other parents of Autistic children and find support for yourselves, but please don’t think you know everything just because your child is Autistic.

And please, please, don’t invalidate, belittle, or unintentionally harm your child. Even if you think they can’t understand you.

I have seen parents express a desire for their child to never have been born or to die right in front of them, and that is possibly one of the most harmful things you could do. Your child that you believe to be unable to understand you could hear every word and know you want them dead.

I have known my own parents, as wonderful as they are, to tease me for traits that I can’t help. My stimming, my need for order, such as the placement of cups in the kitchen, but complete mess of a room, and my special interests, or “obsessions” as they commonly refer to them.

Don’t undermine Autistic people when they tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, especially if that person is your child. If your child tells you not to do something then there is a reason for it. My mother didn’t listen to me when I asked her not to touch my neck, it made me super uncomfortable, but now it’s so bad that I go nonverbal or have a meltdown when it happens too much.

All of this has made me afraid to show who I am in my own home, so the only places I find safe are my bedroom in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, coincidentally this is both a cause and a result of my chronic insomnia, and working at camp where these things are seen as quirks that add to your ability to interact with the children as opposed to flaws.

My word of advice to autistic parents: don’t believe everything you hear or are told, don’t trust even the professionals blindly, they are often not as educated as they should be. Don’t ignore your child when they tell you something, don’t ignore their needs or their behavior even if you think it doesn’t mean anything, often times these behaviors have a meaning behind them. And most importantly, don’t hide your child’s diagnosis from them, don’t make them feel broken or a burden, but instead give them a community in which to grow.