Crying at weddings and the rest of life

We went to a wedding yesterday. Don’t go to weddings when you no longer know what love even feels like anymore. It’s asking for an emotional breakdown.

On the way to the wedding, I made a comment about being annoyed by his mom reminding me for weeks that, “This is a black tie optional wedding, don’t forget. Black tie optional…very fancy.” She always reminds me, because I’m a huge fucking idiot slob monster (not true) and she has to baby me every time there is a dress up event. It’s so annoying. She thinks she’s real classy shit, and she makes me feel awful all the time. I have gorgeous dresses, so shut up, I know how to dress for a wedding. She makes sure I know my husband should wear a suit. I know this! Oh my God, woman. Plus, isn’t very fancy Black Tie, not optional? Anyway…

I made that comment, “she reminded me several times it’s black tie optional like I’m an idiot.” HE WENT OFF. He was wearing a suit and a red tie. He flipped out because I didn’t tell him, like his mommy, that the invite had in tiny print black tie optional.

#1 OPTIONAL

#2 Said invite has been on our fridge for 2 months.

#3 Black tie optional says more about the level of dress for the event, not that you actually have to wear a black fucking tie. Maybe there is some part of the country where that means actual black tie, but not in NE Ohio.

He was screaming at me, calling me an idiot, because I made the comment about his mom, I didn’t tell him, and now he was going to look out of place (Omg lol), and that his mom was right to be nagging me because I clearly didn’t handle it and make sure he knew.

Un-fucking-believeable. Completely.

He wanted to turn the car around to change his tie. I’m trying to calm him down saying it doesn’t mean there is a dress code, you just look nice. Wear a suit and tie. He was so angry and nasty.

Long story short, we get there, everyone is wearing fucking (I love this word for the moment) red and blue ties. He didn’t say a word about it, because he was swearing at me in the car for no reason.

I’m in a really nice dress, and his mom walks in wearing this low cut cotton tropical maxi dress, and it’s cute, but probably not black tie optional wedding attire. Her boobs are just hanging everywhere. It’s not even about what she wore, it was nice besides the boobs all over the place. She made me so fucking anxious about what to wear, like she does for every event, and she wears some sloppy dress. When am I going to learn to not give a shit about what she says.

The wedding starts and everyone is so teary-eyed and happy. I don’t know what that feels like. At weddings, I feel like I’m an alien trying to understand why all these humans are so excited. I barely remember my wedding, but I know I didn’t feel this way. I didn’t feel it since. I’m so happy for the couple up there, but it is so hard to remember what that felt like. And I wonder if I will ever feel it again, you know?

So I’m trying not to cry, because I’m so bitter and miserable, every time I hear the pastor say the words, “honor and respect” I scooter further away from my husband. Those words make me so angry. Where is mine? Minutes earlier I got called a fucking bitch and an idiot because I didn’t have him wear a black tie. Now he’s trying to hold my hand. Fuck off, pal.

We got to our assigned table, with his mom of course, and he immediately started talking to everyone. He makes it so easy it’s gross. His mom made one comment about her having cancer, and he elbows me and said, “way to make it all about you, mom.” He interrupted her, then proceeded to talk about how he sells cars for the next 30 minutes. He will dominate any conversation ever. Ugh.

I very rarely dance. I think those corpse flowers bloom more often than I dance at a wedding. And it’s about the same result, just stinks, hahaha. When he drinks, he gets grabby. For years and years, when we are at weddings, he basically molests and embarrasses me on the dancefloor. We were out there for a slow dance, and he’s rubbing me all over, grabbing my butt, getting low (not sure how to describe it) to the ground and running his hands down the length of my body. He thinks it’s so funny. I’ve told him for years stop and he laughs. Just one more thing he does that pleases him and him alone, regardless of what I say. So gross. That happened. I have to push him off me sometimes. At his 15 yr class reunion he was grabbing me so inappropriately and humiliating me, that I pushed him off and his friends saw and laughed at him. It’s that awful.

We got a few really nice pictures of us at the wedding. Everyone is liking them and it’s all bullshit. He was swearing at me 30 minutes earlier. I looked cute though☺

Next morning, we went to church. I was a little hungover but we had to go. They were doing setting special for the kids going back to school and they wanted to go. I felt terrible.

We are sitting in church listening to music and I had this overwhelming thought that I want to die. I have been having them more. I’m not going to ever do that. I mean it. Pinkie swear. But I have been feeling absolutely hopeless lately. I was staring at the stage of the church, and couldn’t stop the thought. Sometimes your thoughts, I don’t know, you hear them. Really hear them. “I could just kill myself. It’s the easiest way. There’s no end to this.” It scared me, and I hid tears. It does feel like this is how it will be now and forever. My marriage, I mean. I remember now! I was looking at this couple we know. They are so cute. So happy. Just all around model couple. That’s what triggered the thought. I immediately got depressed and thought, “That’ll never be me.” Writing that makes me want to cry. I feel I should say again, because this isn’t the first time I’ve admitted to it, that I am not going to hurt myself or anything like that. I’m noticing a pattern of desperate thoughts that I don’t like and don’t agree with, and everything seems so bleak sometimes. Other times, I’m happy as ever. It’s hard to see around a large problem. Everyone else gets to see it from outside. I’m just looking for the end, and I can’t see it yet. I’m discouraged. I’m feeling desperate, like time is running out on some invisible timer, amd if I don’t act now, it’ll be too late. It’s a very consuming problem. I’m always thinking about some aspect of it, and I wish I didn’t have to. It’s exhaisting.

Even if I take a stand and we get divorced, I can’t seem to picture that ever being me. Having someone who really is a good guy, respects me, is just nice! I took for granted how amazing it is for someone to be nice! Seems to simple! Treats me nice! I treat them nice back. I don’t recoil when they touch me. I worry that I won’t like being touched by a man ever again. That’s how long I’ve hated being touched by him. I don’t know if I would like it with someone else. I am truly a mess. Agreed? Agreed.

That’s enough introspection for today. If that’s not the correct word, I don’t care.

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