Even in my fantasies I’m not good enough, and there isn’t a happy ending. How did I get to feel so unworthy that I can’t pretend someone could really love me? I’m someone that a man would lie to, make feel guilty, leave, and cheat on, and it’s really all I’ve ever been from the time I dated in high school until now.
I truly can’t imagine a good man wanting me anymore. I think that’s why I stay (besides security), because what future is there? I wish I didn’t have to worry about ever needing or wanting anyone else, instead being strong alone, but I don’t want to be alone.
If I found a good one, I’d ruin it worrying he was going to cheat and lie to me anyway. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to see my goodness, sweetness, and worth. I want to trust and believe in someone. I don’t want to be a victim of my past.