Just when I was starting to feel guilty again, a vindication.

He’s been really trying. I can’t figure out why. It’s as if he found these posts and had a serious wake up call. It’s not all roses, but he’s been making an effort. I don’t like it, because it’s a whole hell of a lot simpler to be mad at him than it is to be confused.

I have not been a great wife. I’ll own that. I don’t try. I do my job and I care for him, but I don’t go out of my way to be affectionate and I avoid being touched as much as possible. It feels fake. It’s got to be what a prostitute feels like, I swear. Going through the motions, and it’s so intensely cold that you can’t even close your eyes and pretend someone else is touching you. Reality is too real for that. I don’t even mean sleeping together. Just any contact at all. I realize if I don’t, I’m the one with the stick up my ass, but it’s hard to want to be near someone who makes you feel miserable constantly.

Long story short, I’ve been feeling so guilty. Maybe if I could let this shit go, we’d have a chance. Maybe he did change and it’s my problem now. I’m the one being an asshole.

He left his tablet home when he went to work. Ever since I found out he cheated and sexted a ton of people, his phone and computer have been locked. Can’t have the wife finding shit, right? Well, his tablet had a password too, but I guessed it first try. Nice.

I checked it out for pictures, certain problematic apps, browser history. His instagram didn’t even open to the home screen, it went right to where he left off…on a search tag page with the hashtag “sexyvid” that he searched for. You know, pornographic stuff is not the hugest issue, but he’s so high and mighty about it and acts like he’s so strong against temptation. Whatever. Busted.

Then, I looked in facebook messenger. That’s the big one from 2 yrs ago where I found so many bad chats. Now, it’s full of people he sells cars to and friends on fb. Boring stuff. Any photo of a woman though I clicked on and read. I know, so very wrong. Screw that. After your spouse has done what mine has done, you don’t feel bad spying anymore.

I found one. From last month. It wasn’t dirty, but it wasn’t good. She sent a pic and he said, “Wow, hot.” and he sent a pic and she returned the favor. Then he said, “The last post you did is making it really hard for me to work *wink*. That dress was sexy.” She said sorry and he said no need to apologize.

Any guilt I had at all is gone. The bitch is back.

I delete a lot of stuff now because of what I found with him over the years. Any conversation with a guy, and it’s all friendly, sometimes too personal that would hurt his feelings, but friendly, I delete when it’s over. Honestly, it saves me a defensive conversation that is unnecessary. He’d be right to be mad, though. I would too. He doesn’t even talk like a friend to anyone though, or about his life or marriage. I would understand if he did, because we don’t talk much, and we don’t get along. Like, talk about me, trash me, whatever. But he goes right in for the kill and is obviously trying to feel them out for something more. Ugh. I don’t get how that works. How can you be so comfortable to do that? I couldn’t type half the stuff he says if I was single. It’s just slimy.

I didn’t even get sad when I saw the chat. I laughed. I screenshot the while thing. I could not be more emotionally dead inside. Wonderful. I needed this though.

Why is he trying? Why does he keep playing with me? We broke up 2 times before marriage, he begged me back. I almost left him a few times, one very close to, and he begged me back. Why? Why bother? I literally think it’s because he knows he won’t eat good, and he knows no one else would be a doormat as much as I’ve been.