Tales of an eBay Lister

When taking photos of pants, you take a close up of the back pocket detail. The butt shot. The money shot if they have bling on them. Show me sexy.

Any time I have a velour pant, my Tim Gunn voice comes out. “Make it work!” “This velour is going to hug your ass in all the right and wrong ways.”

I had a pair of American Eagle Khakis with a blue stain from a belt under the belt loops. When asked how we should describe this, I said, “Say it’s from Mugatu’s Derelicte Campaign, and you can Derelicte my balls.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “I need to get into these women’s pants,” and it’s never not funny.

My Mom started selling on ebay from her home, and I read some of her listings to my sister and we laughed, we cried. I’m not sure what was funnier: She said the color of these purple pants was the same gorgeous color she painted her spare bedroom, then she referred to the waist size as the circumference of the body above the hips. We love her. She makes us giggle.

Sometimes in a rush, I forget how to say measuring tape and I call it the number thing.

A men’s Chaps dress shirt wasn’t washed yet, and I put my hands inside and touched a thick layer of deodorant. Thick like Mayo on bread. Someone was a sweater. I washed my hands many times. After washing, it was listed as “Used Chaps…” and we laughed because that’s why they were so crusty.

It’s cute that Chicos makes up its own sizes to make older women feel skinnier. Ok, 1.5, we all know you are an 8–10. Accept it, Barbara. Tim Gunn says, “Make it work!”

My sister has Joy Mangano of QVC hangers and we haven’t run out of bad jokes about them yet. But, I love them. I will still destroy things verbally even if I love them. Ask my husband.

There is nothing worse than finding a great deal on an item than seeing that some jackalope listed the same item for far less and you can’t compete with them and make the money you deserve.

Daisy Fuentes clothes are apparently still a thing. “Do you remember when MTV played music videos? Do you like thick knit jeans? These are for you!”

You don’t know the pain of a wasted 10 minutes until you’ve 99% finished listing an item then you see the stain on it. *throws desk across room*

I could work for a men’s suit store or a tailor. All the Googling it took to learn how to describe, measure, and inspect a men’s suit jacket got me an online associates degree.

9/10 sport coats have tissues left in them, sticks of gum, mint wrappers, and funeral cards. I’m no longer shocked by the treasures they hide. My sister told me they planned on putting a balled-up condom in a blazer pocket on April Fool’s Day for me to find, but they decided that was too much. It was, but I would’ve loved it.

Blouson, surplice, ruched, shirred, worsted, shift dress, sheath dress, and espadrille are all new words I use.

I can hold clothes and know how to ship them and for how much. I’m a human USPS scale. I’m already a human thermometer as we haven’t owned a working thermometer for 10 years, so just one more high tech adaptation for me.

Someone asked me if I’d take $5 for a $9 girls coat because my $4.99 shipping was too high. It wasn’t. I checked out his site. He had a 3oz baby dress listed with shipping $7. Piece of garbage. People are the worst, but ebay people are the worst of all the worst people. It’s a worst people bottleneck.

I trained a girl who’s helping me and she doesn’t use punctuation in her descriptions, she spells waist as waste, inseam as in seam, and measures the waist and doesn’t double it. Who has a 13" waist? This might be the end of me.

You can’t imagine how many people write sequence for sequins. You can’t. It’s beyond comprehension. Possibly the same people who use prolly for probably. *head explodes*

I love what I do, it gives me no marketable edge for anything I will do in the future, but I feel like a little boss in my own mind, and being the boss of your own mind is pretty cool.

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