The most wonderful time of the year

I’m low on cash, but we have money coming in. I tried for 2 days to talk to my husband about Christmas gifts, what the kids want, and how we should pay for them. Which account or card? I don’t make major purchases without checking with him because it’s just good to be on the same track on Christmas. No surprises. He doesn’t care at all, but it’s my way of forcing him to be involved at Christmas.

Every year, I handle the entire thing. He finds out what “we” got the kids when they open them. Terrible. But, he knows what I’m spending and I tell him most of what I get, he just doesn’t “hear” me.

I found an online deal that is expiring asap and asked him last night what we should use. I suggested his PayPal because it has no interest for 6mos, but it’s his card and account and I needed his login and password for it. He blew me off last night. Tonight, I said, “Ok, let’s handle this. What’s your login.”

He said he wanted to go to the store site and enter all the details himself. I said I already had the order made and filled out, so just tell me the login info for paypal. 15 minutes goes by and he’s trying to find a way to send me a link or send me a text of the password, because it’s “long.” He’s the king of ridiculous passwords, by the way. But still, tell me and I’ll type it.

“Just tell me the password, I’m here right now, ready to type!”

“No, it’s long, just let me text it to you.”

“We’d be done 10 minutes ago if you told me the password! Omg!”

He finally texted me the damn thing, and it was only his password, not his email for the account! He has over 10 email accounts. Absolutely ridiculous.

I said, “I need the email.”

He got up and screamed, “Shut the fuck up, fucking bitch! God damn it, just shut the fuck up! You’re being combative! Shut the fuck up, bitch!”

Then he stormed upstairs without telling me which email. So, I angrily followed him up. I did nothing but get annoyed by how long it took for him to not be helpful. That’s it.

“First of all, don’t yell at me. Second, I need the full login, what is your problem?”

“I’m not telling you. We aren’t getting that gift. Buy it with your own fucking money from your sister’s job. I’m not getting it. You can get all the fucking present yourself this year! You’re not using MY money.” I make 400 a month for reference, and it barely keeps us alive while we wait for our apartments to get rented again. But, ok…

Pretty bold for someone who just got caught cheating-ish again last month and should be kissing my ass. Why on earth is this password so secure? I pay the bill with my own password but I need HIS to purchase. There’s nothing secret going in or out of this account. I can see it on my end.

I guessed the email and got it right. Gifts are coming. Fuck him. I hate him so much. For Christmas I want him to disappear. Really. Gone. Leave. Such a bitch? Leave. Please.

On a brighter note, I had my period all week, and he’s been groping me and being gross, telling me he can’t wait, and I’m done and was having major anxiety about him trying to mess around tonight, (real anxiety about sleeping with my husband…really quite a lot of anxiety) and I did not want to at all. Things have been awful and I just can’t stand him, his touch, his beard, his fucking existence. This fight has me off the hook for a while, and for that, I am glad. Silver lining.


This morning I didn’t talk to him at all. I packed his lunch, because at my worst, I’m still not an asshole, even though I should be. He left and hugged me, while I stiffly stood there and didn’t hug back, and said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

I wish that was all it was. Yelling at me. Whatever. We didn’t just have some little argument. He called me a fucking bitch who needed to shut up because I wanted his email for paypal. Not normal at all.

I’m so tired of I’m sorry.

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