This is True 1311: Insensitive

Randy Cassingham

It’s Guaranteed Someone Will Try: Matty Roberts says he created an “event” on Facebook, but “it was kind of a joke.” Even though it is scheduled from 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. and located deep into the Nevada desert, the September event notice so far shows about 2 million people say they are going, and 1.4 million more say they are “interested” in going. The event: “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us”, and the post suggests folks “meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction” to “coordinate our entry.” The tourist attraction is 74 road miles from the military site at Groom Lake. Area 51 is the popular name of an Air Force facility which conspiracy theorists believe is where the government keeps captured UFOs for study and technology exploitation. The event notice says that “If we naruto run [use anime ninja powers], we can move faster than their bullets. Lets [sic] see them aliens.” The Air Force says it “highly discourages” anyone to actually try to storm the site, saying only that it would be “dangerous.” (RC/KLAS Las Vegas) …Translation: they’ve been itching to try out the Series 4 De-Atomizers they got from the aliens.

Alert: A 911 caller told Chicago, Ill., police there was an active shooter in an office building. About 30 employees hid in one closet; others tried securing themselves in restrooms. The block was cordoned off, police went through the place one floor at a time, and even a neighboring building went into lockdown. But there was no active shooter. There wasn’t even a drill. “This was an instructional training video,” said the building’s tenant, AT&T. “In the case of a drill, our team would have notified our employees in the building in advance.” (AC/Chicago Tribune) …And you thought you were annoyed about not getting any signal from AT&T.

Poly Wants a Beer: Wasatch Brewery of Salt Lake City, Utah, won’t be able to sell two of its brews in North Carolina after the state’s Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission rejected the beers’ names: Polygamy Porter and Polygamy Nitro Porter. The names poke fun at the historical polygamous marriages that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practiced until the 1890s, but, as the commission explained in a letter, “Polygamy is illegal. Therefore these products will not be approved.” The rejection surprised the brewery. “We were not expecting it especially because we’ve been making this beer now for 18 years,” said brewmaster Jon Lee. The brewery is appealing the decision so they can add Polygamy Porter (with the slogans “Why have just one?” and “Take some home to the wives!”) and Nitro Polygamy Porter (“Meet the sister-wife of our classic brew”) to the list of 20 beers they already sell in North Carolina. (MS/Fayette Observer, KUTV Salt Lake City, KSTU Salt Lake City) …It’s not like you can enjoy multiple beers at the same time.

Nine(!) More Stories: “Alien abduction insurance” is available from …a Florida man (of course!) Burglar arrested by police in Florida because his getaway vehicle walked away. Judge so tired of the run-around from the state police he orders its director to appear in court. Florida man claims wild turkeys came at him in “a coordinated attack.” Christian book distributor has to change its name for an interesting reason. Cop gets bored guarding a house, so he did something so outrageous he was arrested. Another Internet “influencer” shows how little influence she even has over herself. Air conditioning company slapped over a cheeky ad idea. Young boy uses a novel method to run away from home, but at least an interesting place to go to. Happily, you can still read all of these stories: just ask for your upgrade to start with the 28 July issue, and get a full year of expanded issues for just $32 (still!) See your options here.

Yee Hah! Police in Kilgore, Texas, were called to ask homeowners to quiet down a large party with blasting music. “We did ask them to turn their music down some,” a department spokesman said, “but we found out Karla was celebrating her 22nd birthday.” Apparently to help Karla celebrate, “Officer Besser” noticed that part of the noise was due to the cheering of people watching others ride a mechanical bull set up in the backyard. “It wouldn’t be a memorable birthday celebration without KPD showing our bull riding skills,” the spokesman said: Besser rode the bull — in full uniform — for about 30 seconds before falling off, leading to high-fives from partygoers. (RC/KLTV Tyler) …While the cheering for him resulted in another complaint call about the noise.

Other officers record (and provide to the public!) the photographic evidence. I especially like the meta of a cop taking a photo of a cop taking a photo.

Some Don’t Like It Hot II: Jennifer K. Ost, 27, had an important appointment at Community Hospital in Anderson, Ind. Two hours into the appointment, police received a report of a young child inside a car in the parking lot, with all the windows up, in 86-degree (30C) heat; the boy, who was soaked in sweat, was watching a movie on a cell phone. A police officer brought the child into the hospital, and a check of the car’s license plate led to Ost. What appointment was so important? Ost was being interviewed by the Department of Child Services as part of an investigation into possible child neglect of her newborn baby. She admitted leaving the boy in the car because he “didn’t want to” come inside. Ost was arrested on two charges of child neglect, and both children were taken into protective custody. (RC/WXIN Indianapolis) …But did he make it the end of “Dante’s Inferno”?

Hemingway He Ain’t
American Gored During Running of the Bulls Was Trying to Get a Selfie
AP headline

I Almost Pulled the Story about the kid in the hot car, but when I read it to Kit she said “it’s an important story” that needed to be told. That meant I had to come up with a tagline first. We riffed a bit back and forth and I didn’t like anything we came up with. I asked her, “What movie was he watching?” Before she could reply, “Dante’s Inferno” popped out of my mouth. I had to check to see if there really was a movie by that title, though I thought it was likely. Indeed there was: in 1924 …and 1935, and 1967, and 2007. I busted out laughing at the description of the last one: “a puppet comedy film version of Dante’s hell.” If a child were to watch a film based on Dante’s 14th-century work, that would be the version. In the film, Virgil, who guides Dante through hell, was voiced by James Cromwell of Babe fame.

Not to mention such a place would indeed be a suitable venue for the mother to spend some time; her Get Out of Hell Free card has been marked VOID.

Before you complain “that tagline is insensitive,” consider first reading this 2016 blog post: That Tagline is Insensitive, which delves into the same subject.

The Series 4 De-Atomizer, of course, is the primary weapon of choice of the Men in Black.

Sorry, But I Need to Cut Back on the podcast for awhile: with this year’s demanding travel schedule (I’m heading out again soon), I can’t keep up, so Uncommon Sense is going to every other week for awhile until I can catch up.

Basic Subscriptions to This is True are Free at All stories are completely rewritten using facts from the noted sources. This is True® is a registered trademark. Published weekly by ThisisTrue.Inc, PO Box 666, Ridgway CO 81432 USA (ISSN 1521–1932).

Copyright ©2019 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved.

Randy Cassingham

Written by

Author of Weird News feature This is True — — and creator of the Get Out of Hell Free card:

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