This is True 1306: Careful What You Ask For

Randy Cassingham

Bad Idea: After two crashes of the Boeing 737 Max jetliner killed 346 people, the model was ordered grounded worldwide, and the cause of the problems was traced to the plane’s software. The company hopes to have the plane flying again this summer, but Boeing acknowledges a renaming might be in order. “We’re committed to doing what we need to do to restore it. If that means changing the brand to restore it, then we’ll address that,” said Greg Smith, the company’s Chief Financial Officer. “I’d say we’re being open-minded to all the input we get.” (RC/KING Seattle) …Great! I suggest Crashy McCrashplane.

Author’s Note: A couple of readers are a bit cranky about this story, saying the tagline is “insensitive” to those who were killed. My response is in my blog: “Let the Public Decide”? Bad Idea….

Rescue 911: “This is the police,” said the 911 caller. “Yes sir, this is the police, what’s the nature of your emergency?” replied the dispatcher. It took the caller a few tries to get across that he wasn’t saying whom he was trying to reach: he was telling the operator who was calling. Salt Lake City, Utah, police officers were stuck on an elevator. In what building? the dispatcher asked. “The one you’re currently in ma’am” — the department’s. The dispatcher said she was sending firefighters. “Oh great,” said the caller. “These jokes write themselves! I’ll bet they can’t wait to post this on social media!” This entire story is as related by the Salt Lake City Fire Department in a Facebook post. (AC/KTVX Salt Lake City) …Maybe the jokes didn’t write themselves.

Torch Song Felony: After a house fire in Del City, Okla., investigators were suspicious that it was arson. While poking around after the fire was extinguished, they noticed that the next door neighbor had security cameras. They asked Annie Durham, 59, if they could look at the recordings, and she willingly gave up the password so investigators could see them. Sure enough, one of the cameras caught a clear image of someone throwing something burning into the vacant house’s open door: “A stick with a rag or towel wrapped around it,” says Del City Fire Chief Brandon Pursell. “It had some lighter fluid poured on it.” And the image was clear enough that a suspect could be identified and arrested: Annie Durham, who had been in an “ongoing dispute” with her neighbor. “She caught herself on camera setting the fire,” Pursell says. (RC/KFOR Oklahoma City) …She got the cameras to catch obliviots who were up to no good — and they worked!

Annie Durham allegedly committing arson, which evidence was recorded by Annie Durham’s own security camera. A later update alleges the same camera caught her shooting at the same house earlier.

Lost and Found: Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra, 56, went to eat lunch at a Jersey Mike’s Subs restaurant in Linden, N.J. “The bread is so hard on those subs,” Dykstra told a reporter later. “I took my teeth out and put them in a napkin, folded it up and forget them there.” He was nearly home when Dykstra realized he’d forgotten his dentures in the napkin. “When I went back, the workers said they threw all the napkins in the garbage,” he said. “I told them there was no f*****g way I was leaving without my f *****g teeth.” He and a friend, tag-team wrestler Sprinkles the Clown (no, really!), started digging through the restaurant’s dumpster to find them. The teeth — custom made by a fan using bone marrow and valued at $80,000 — were finally located after nine hours of searching. (MS/Newark Star-Ledger) …Note: there may have been some extra sprinkles on the teeth.

Unicorns are Real: This one tried to kill a kid in Florida (but he escaped without a scratch thanks to rescuers). Florida teacher arrested, and which was worse: stealing from the students, or stealing from the school? Man drives himself to AA meeting …with a blood alcohol level more than triple the legal limit. Politician’s briefing hilariously marred by the camera used to live-stream it being in the wrong mode. Firefighters wish they hadn’t rescued that particular cat…. Police in Florida ask, “Have you lost an ear?” (and then it gets weird!) You can still read all of these stories: just ask for your upgrade to start with the 23 June issue. Upgrades start at just $9.

Return to Sender: “Return to Order,” an arm of the Roman Catholic group the American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property, says the TV show Good Omens, based on the 1990 humor novel by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett of the same name, is “blasphemous.” It urged its followers to sign an online petition to demand Netflix cancel it. More than 20,000 signed. There’s just one problem: Netflix doesn’t produce or air the show, Amazon and BBC did. “Did”? Indeed: it was a 6-episode mini-series, and no more are being made anyway. (RC/Los Angeles Times) …Return to Order is using the gathered momentum to next demand George Burns never reprise his role in Oh, God!

Honey, I’m Home!
Florida Man Comes Home from Overnight Shift
to Find Alligator Waiting at Front Door

WOFL Orlando headline

In This is True, I Rail about obliviocy, using real people and their stories as examples. In the Uncommon Sense podcast, talk about the opposite: the cure for obliviocy …using real people and their stories as examples. The two sides are actually at war, so let’s define our terms — and think about what the stakes are. It really is worth 6–1/2 minutes to talk about it: The Stakes are High. As always, there’s also a transcript.

Basic Subscriptions to This is True are Free at All stories are completely rewritten using facts from the noted sources. This is True® is a registered trademark. Published weekly by ThisisTrue.Inc, PO Box 666, Ridgway CO 81432 USA (ISSN 1521–1932).

Copyright ©2019 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved.

Randy Cassingham

Written by

Author of Weird News feature This is True — — and creator of the Get Out of Hell Free card:

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