This is not a good moment. My day had been an okay one. Nothing of importance happened. I felt okay. I didn’t hate myself. I didn’t love myself either. I know a girl with problems. But, even with her mental health issues she still makes it to the gym. She has a killer body. I used to have a great body. When I was drinking I was in the best shape of my life. Funny, huh? But this girl…with all her issues, she has a killer body AND a new guy who’s gorgeous and loves her. I was supposed to be part of that crew. The Gym Crew. It was my way to the popular crowd. But I got injured, lost my abs, got sober and far more depressed, and now I’m on the outside again. Where I always find myself no matter what I do. So Miss Issues got a new man, a man she met through my Gym Crush. My Gym crush I can’t fucking get over after 2.5 years. My Gym Crush who found his amazing beautiful girlfriend for 2 of those years. My Gym Crush that would treat me terribly and leave me insecure. But he still has me after all this time.
But now I’m sober. Depressed. Gaining weight. Out of The Crew. Alone with my thoughts. And I just want to die. I’m so fucking tired of waiting for “it gets better”. I want to drink. I want to get fucked up. I dont want to feel any more pain. I want to be free from this fucking pain. I want to die. I want to die.
I wont though. I’ll never go through with that. I just hurt.