A Letter To My Ex
“Bocanegra ( Black Mouth ) — denoting a foul-mouthed or abusive person.”
When you enter a relationship, you expose your deepest fears. You confess your insecurities, in hopes of validation. Reassurance. You are wounded from previous heartbreaks but choose yet again to make yourself vulnerable to pain once more. That is the beauty and the beast of new love. No one can prepare for deceit.
I understand that you saw innocence in me. You saw purity. You saw devotion. All of these things terrified you. Because you knew yourself. You knew you could not deliver. So, instead of running you stood. Because, dont you just love a challenge?
You tricked me.
You were self righteous. You were the very man you made me to fear. You were the man you said would try to conquer me and use me. You were the man you said wouldn’t appreciate me because of where I’m from. You were the man you said wouldn’t want me because I’m a mother.
I dressed up, I changed things, I compromised, I sacrificed. I had everything to lose while you lashed comfortably with your hands out awaiting me to keep giving. As if you deserved it all. All you did was take. You sucked me dry.
I abandoned myself, because you starved me for affection. You fed me just enough to get by. You complained if I questioned it. You were unbothered by my longing for love.
While I stared at myself in the mirror wondering why you didn’t want my body, you made me believe I was just crazy. Bored. Perhaps I was bored.
I wanted to feel wanted, because I stopped doing the things I loved, making you my only source of fulfillment. You were my confidant. You knew my deepest insecurities. You knew I was abandoned before. You knew I had no one.
But you also knew I was strong-willed. You knew I learned like a sponge. You knew I was onto you but called me skeptical without reason.
I was the perfect candidate.
Because I did all the work. Since there were no obvious tracks, I had nothing to pin you. No evidence. You felt safe — because you bleached your tracks.
I was the perfect candidate because I trusted you, so I never went searching.
I was the perfect candidate because when the only reason for doubt I had was my intuition — your rationalization made sense to me.
I was just perfect, because all you had to do was lie, and I just believed.
You put me in a drawer and called me “love”, and put all the others in the drawer above me, and called them lust. My sister was in that drawer above me. My friends. And other clueless women. You’d close the drawer and try to erase the guilt and be so exhausted that you forgot I existed.
You said they meant nothing, yet hid me from them, and them from me. They didn’t know you’d be coming home to me. I didn’t know you were coming home from them.
We were partners, I thought. Working toward the same bigger picture. But no. You’re agenda was different. I was absent in your bigger picture. But its a game as old as time. And you played it well.
You worked hard to upkeep the agenda. It’s no wonder the energy was gone with me. Your patience was low. Always too tired. Always had a headache. It is truly no wonder, now.
Perhaps I took your manhood. Perhaps you could not look me in the eye or fuck me because you knew I was clueless.
Perhaps you actually felt something, and for that you left me to ponder my yearning for you. I did everything for you. I did more than everything.
You who knew everything, so arrogant.
You who I looked up to, so ambitious.
I gave you so much credit. And forgot my worth.
You made me believe I was nothing without you. With your mendacious mouth you whispered self doubt into my subconscious.
Your skeletons were pouring out of the closet which you chained and taped and superglued shut.
And the one that slipped out was the ugliest. It revealed to me the beginning of the end.
When I looked into the skull of that skeleton, all the absent pieces for every single fucking doubt, every single question, every odd mystery, were chaotically thrown together.
After the first skeleton, dozens more followed. I was buried in your lies. I could hardly breath.
For every piece that found it’s place, clarity came. Each mystery solved killed me a little more inside.
You thought I wouldn’t leave.
You were so comfortable. You thought you could just talk your way out of it. You thought maybe we just needed space.
You thought fear would keep me — But fear, is what kept you.
Love is what kept me.
I was your stability. I was your food, your home, your encouragement, your affection, your reassurance, your money. Fear of losing all this, is what kept you. Love is what kept me.
You must have been dumbfounded.
With a sore body, and clouded mind I sat on the beautiful tile shower floor of my new apartment, with my knees up to my chest as the entire shower filled with steam.
I just sobbed and sobbed.
I couldn’t tell my tears from the water falling on my face. To me they were all tears.
I did not feel accomplished for my move. I could not feel joy for my new home.
I felt as if, this was something I HAD to do. It wasn’t an option. It happened to me, and I reacted.
Although I was applauded by my friends for being “the strong one” and “the brave one” I felt empty.
What I felt was the epitome of losing someone I’d known my whole life.
It was like you died.
Because by the end of it all, you were not who you said you were. You were a stranger. The idea of you that I fell in love with, was entirely nonexistent.
So, I mourned as such. Never before had I experienced that kind of pain.
The pain of unquestionable deciet.
The pain of mourning the loss of a living person.
But let me tell you something.
You taught me what I should truly fear.
Because I thought that without you, I’d be nothing.
When in reality, everything you had was a result of having me.
I started to remember
I had friends. I remembered I had family. I remembered that I love dance, I love art, I love singing, and volleyball, and nature, and animals. Board games and beaches. Loud music and lights. Running in the rain. Writing poetry.
I remembered all these things.
And I recalled how you wouldn’t do any of these things with me.
I know now that my worth is not what I have, but who I am.
Never again, will I compromise who I am.
The kind of man you are, you were long before me. So I stopped asking myself why because,
It wasn’t me.
I didn’t do this to us.
You will not succeed in life at the cost of others. Your game of half-truths and persuation will not take you far because in the end, you are left with yourself.
Your true character will come to light.
I don’t wish you the best, because you are undeserving.
But, I forgive you, because forgiveness frees me.
Now only you bare the weight of your true self.