Depression Girl Turned Vibrant

First feeling of happiness clocked.

My aunt advised me about about life in my tweens. She said, “You know how people say, ‘Life’s a bitch and then you die’? Life is a bitch and then…. You. Die. That is life. The earlier you learn that the better.”

I have recently separated myself from a 40 year depression without the use of medication. Not because I wanted to tough it out but because Obamacare, Bush Healthcare Reform and Reganomics would not include my mental health needs in their healthcare programs. My goal for balanced mental health was never to be just functional at a 9 to 5 job but to actually be happy being myself. Psychiatrists rarely returned my calls when life was really bad. I was too aware of my depression to be diagnosed as depressed. It was almost as if I wasn’t allowed the diagnosis of depression because I wanted to be happy over depressingly functional.

Every time I went to a mental health clinic, I was continually referred to a young social worker who would help me obtain an application for food stamps instead of referring me to a therapist or psychiatrist. I didn’t want the social help. I wanted a happy soul and a clear mind. My mind was steadily slipping through my fingers. I had to do more than think I was too worthless to live in order to get mental help. I had to attempt to kill myself in order to receive the tiniest bit of mental healthcare. I use to cry all day, everyday, for months, which turned into years. Big crocodile tears. I can’t tell you the amount of energy it takes out of a human being to produce these huge rivers of tears. It was severely exhausting. I was nearly ready to kill myself. I mean, no one really cared about me at the time. There was just one exception for living. I still had the goal of being happy. I couldn’t accept the fact that I wasn’t meant to be happy being myself. The concept just didn’t add up. It wasn’t often but I’d seen other people who were happy. I should be able to be happy too. Certainly people are not picked for happiness.

In 2009 I’d made a conscious decision that I was no different than those happy people. I would search for happiness and the proper mental healthcare with or without health insurance. I had worked my ass off for decades to build my depression into an empire of victimization and chaos. Why not utilize the same energy to climb out of this hell hole in my mind and be happy? I mean, it’s still my mind, right? I’d fixed so much for so many. It was obvious that I had the same resources to fix myself. There was a good deal of work to be done. Facing my own monsters and demons would be scary but no scarier than the abusers and narcissists that I invited into my heart, home and family to justify my role as a mega victim.

I started my journey to happiness by engaging in resources I could find on the surface, such as, working out, eating healthy, and forcing positive thoughts. I striped my day to day responsibilities to the absolute necessities: food, basic hygiene and a basic job. I wanted to focus what little energy I had on locating the feeling of happiness. I’d read somewhere that sunshine boosts one’s spirits, so I took an extended walk everyday in the sun. After a few days of walking I began to notice my souroundings. I always passed this geyser fountain where children played. Well, they did more than play. They released their minds and didn’t care who watched. They laughed from the gut, rolplayed and experienced the feeling of joy in the sunshine as they splashed away. The whole scene was infectious. Then something twitched inside and warmth broke through and flowed in my chest. My intuition told me it was a happiness moment. I hung out at that fountain for the rest of the summer. This was the only activity that stopped the tears from streaming everyday. It took several years to find something else that brought me happiness but, after 40 years, I had a baseline.

Now, 6 years later, I’ve found peace in my mind, comfort in my soul and self-nurturing from my own spirit. The healing was right inside of me all of the time. Talk about convenience. It became clear that who I am is enough and much more than I thought I was worth. There’s way more of me to unfold. As I do, I’m happy to share my stories and tips with you on this journey into vibrancy. Healthy and happy living is a choice available to everyone.

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