The Wall
The writing is always there. Like graffiti that never dries.
No pain, no gain.
Nothing important is ever easy.
You can’t win if you don’t play.
Enjoy the ride.
Live in the now.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
And, my personal favorite,
Everything happens for a reason.
Yet, with each obstacle that comes with each important time, with every pain before every gain, I find myself alone, sitting on the fucking curb, staring at my shoes, hemming and hawing about when its time to put my bare hand on the grimy, shit-laced sidewalk to get myself up, pick my wedgie, and begin my 1000-mile journey. Because it begins with a single step, right?
Here, in this moment, I choose to open myself up to the uncomfortable, to put my naked hand on that curb and suffer through it. To see if I come out on the other side in one piece. To see if the world outside is actually on fire. To see if the people I love still love me back.
So, I fuel my 1000-mile journey with Decisions. Decisions help me keep on the keepin’ on. These Decisions have oh, so many names.
Stupid Cupid
Mistake
Three Year Mistake
Five Year Plan
Yes To The Dress
Where Do I Sign?
My Bucket List
Operation: Get Fit!
Operation: Time To Focus On Me!
I Do
I Just Can’t Anymore.
Just plain Yes,
Oh, Hell Yes
the never-so-plain No,
and all of their aliases.
And what value I place on these Decisions! Some of them become my new and forever BFFs; sure to show me the way! The writing on the wall makes sense and my Decisions are right by my side. They can make me whole. They can finish the journey.
Plot Twist: Sneakily and unbeknownst to me, I forge a new relationship, one that will keep coming back unless I know how to chase it away. Its name is Fear. And Fear loiters and brings with it a gaggle of shithead cronies. Fear’s tag: If you’re at odds with your most valued Decisions, there will be failure. According to Fear, it will all fall apart. Everything will burn. Everyone will turn their love away.
Yet, as loyal and faithful as I am to my Decisions, my all-fulfilling guides, I always find myself back on the curb. One moment, my eyes are up and feet are fancy, dancing in the rain, step-by-step, under the passing street lights. The next moment, I am cursing the gods, sentenced to plant my ass on the curb to stare at my shoes again. Fear looks on from across the street, pointing and laughing, hands and arms gesturing to show that I’m back where I started, sarcastically applauding, baiting me to rush across and tantrum.
But, as is my nature, I’m here to learn. So, I plant my ass and I hem and haw. Chant my shouldas and ifonlys. Draw out the decision to dirty my hand again. And man, my shoes look like shit, they did a lot of walking.
Hey… wait a minute.
They did a lot of walking.
Did you hear that, Fear?
No?
Listen closely, you cheeky bastard.
I Decided. I walked. I earned. I gambled. I lost. I was uncomfortable. I learned. I grew.
And you know what else? So did the woman who became besties with Three Kids by 35 and the boy who is very much in love with College or Bust. I’m walking with them now.
Uncomfortable means learning. Learning means putting a huge dent in the 1000-mile journey. Period. There is no such thing as the boogeymen named Backtracking. Regressing. Shaming. Quitting. Also, take back your cronies, Alone, Unworthy, Unloved and Unlovable. You are all imaginary.
Give me the damn spray paint.
I am not alone.
I am worthy.
I am loved.
I am lovable.
*plants hand on curb.*
Now that’s what I call fresh paint. Let's keep walking.
