By many measures I’ve lived a fairly eventful and exciting life to this point. I am 27 and I’ve done and seen more than many of the people I’ve known. I’ve visited over 25 countries, snowboarded on 4 different continents, been skydiving in New Zealand, snowshoeing through the Rockies, (attempted) surfing in Costa Rica, seen the northern lights in Alaska, went paragliding in the Alps, went backpacking in Western China, drove across the United States in the middle of February on a whim, and it goes on like your typical bucket list of things you want to experience before you die.

Yet recently I’ve been trying to think back on the significant moments in my life. The ones that you look back at as pivotal to shaping who you are, why you do the things you do. Events that make change the course of your life entirely in a single moment or inspired a life motto that has dictated on a basic level every decision you made from that point. I can’t recount a single one of these moments, yet I know they exist through hearing about them and reading about them. They are the moments that people risk everything, cast away any fear of failure and dive head first without a moments hesitation. These moments aren’t always an overwhelming success, in fact most times it seems that they are a massive failure, but regardless of the outcome these events have the power to reshape perception, values, and ideals.

After digging hard into my past, thinking back trying to pin point any moment that had such an impact on the way I approach life I kept coming up empty. Then I realized that although I’ve lived an eventful life it has been one uninspired, and controlled by fear, fear of losing something, someone, somewhere. I find comfort in the things I know, the things I can control, and predict. And I am uncomfortable with anything that is beyond my control, particularly when it comes to my emotions and my ego. I close up and withdraw back to the safety of my bubble when encountered with situations like these. Falling back to the comfort of my friends, my home, situations in which I’ve lived repeated and can control. When faced with a challenge beyond my capability I avert it at all costs, limit myself back to what I know I am capable of and confident enough to accomplish. And in the end this has led me to live an enjoyable, yet predictable and uninspired life, a life full of events but void of meaning. In my attempt to control my environment and my emotions I’ve prevented myself from really feeling anything. I now don’t believe I have ever truly loved, inspired, lost, believed in anything or anyone in my entire life. I’ve been too afraid of what I might lose in the process, what I might feel, what utterly uncontrollable situation I may find myself in.

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has never truly given his all to anything, bared his soul to anyone, invested his whole being into any single person, moment or experience, I can’t tell you what it takes to do it, or the rewards you may get from it, or even the pain you may feel from it. But I can tell you that if you live in fear of what you might lose, you will always have a limit on what you can gain, and one day you may look back like I have today and realize that you’ve lived a life void of true inspiration.