Breakfast At Tiffany’s
(Lights up on a man and a woman sitting at a bar. The woman is reading a magazine. After several beats the man starts softly singing ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ by Deep Blue Something.)
Man
And I said ‘what about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?’…she said ‘I think I remember the film…and as I recall I think we both kinda liked it…’
(Beat. Man starts humming the song again.)
Do you hear that?
Woman
Sorry?
Man
Are you hearing that?
Woman
What?
Man
I keep hearing Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Is someone singing it or something?
Woman
You are.
Man
Was that me?
Woman
Yes.
Man
I don’t think so. I think it was someone else. But I don’t know. People are just always signing that song.
(Beat)
You know?
(Beat)
It’s ok — you don’t need to pretend.
Woman
Excuse me?
Man
It’s me.
Woman
It’s who?
Man
Right. You don’t need to be embarrassed.
Woman
Do I know you?
Man
Yes, you do. We both know that you do.
(Beat)
I’m the lead singer of Deep Blue Something.
Woman
Deep Blue what?
Man
Good one. But seriously, you can talk to me like a regular person. Just do it quietly. I spend enough time getting mobbed by groupies in bars, trust me.
Woman
I’m sorry. Who are you?
Man
I’m the lead singer of the band Deep Blue Something. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of our songs.
(To the bartender)
Can I get a Jack and Coke? Put it on her tab. Now when you go back home you can tell your friends you bought the lead singer of Deep Blue Something a drink.
Woman
Don’t do that.
Man
Do you want me to sign them?
Woman
What?
Man
Your breasts. Do you want me to sign your breasts?
Woman
Absolutely not!
Man
Not in the bar. I get it.
Woman
Not ever. You know you only had one song, right?
Man
That’s all you need when you have a gem like B at T’s. Rolling Stone called it “bar none, without question, the best song ever written by any band at any time in any
country.”
Woman
That’s not true.
Man
Who knows if it’s true? Things kind of get blurred together on this crazy rock and roll ride.
Woman
Have you guys even done anything since 1995?
Man
So what are you looking to get out of this? Are you just looking to get nailed by the lead singer of Deep Blue Something, or are you looking to make a plaster mold of my junk that you can show all your friends later on? Because I’m cool with either.
Woman
All I want is to have a drink while I’m waiting for my friend.
Man
Is your friend a Deep Blue Something groupie too?
Woman
Okay, I’m leaving. And not for nothing — your song is one of the most annoying songs ever written.
Man
Just do me a favor and don’t tell anyone outside I’m in here. People here that the lead singer of Deep Blue Something is inside and next thing you know it’s going to be like Altamont in this bar.
(Woman leaves. A man walks in and sits at the bar. He starts singing Closing Time by Semisonic to himself)
Man 2
Yes, it’s true. I’m the lead singer of the band Semisonic.
Lights.
